Truth: Chapter 19 The end

Truth: Chapter 19
“Tom. Dude, are you seriously going to go solo to a wedding?” Greg asked me, while I was tying my tie. Christina picked it out for me. It was deep crimson, “Tom, it will make your eyes pop out! Get it now, so we can get coffee! Well, do it!”
I shook back the memory, and responded “Yes, and what?”
“Shouldn’t you be going with Watson?”
“She’s going with Char….that asshole” I muttered.
“Dude, you’re in love.” He laughed. “That’s classic!”
I punched him on the arm.

00000
“Colin, relax! You’re freaking me out!” I told him, holding back a scream.
He was pacing back and forward rapidly, and pulling his hair- muttering something like “What if he leaves me at the aisle? Like that Julia Roberts movie- shit, I can’t remember the movie. I’m gay! I should know these classic romantic comedies…”
I walked over to him, and slapped him hard across the face.
“Control yourself. Tony is not going to leave you. Jeesh, you are stressing me out. Come on! We have 3 hours until the wedding, let’s grab coffee.” I soothed (besides I wanted coffee)
“Oh, Christina! I have to get ready!”
“Colin, you are not getting fitted into a dress or putting on makeup- you are just going to shower and put on your suit-“I stopped, and remembered Colin’s ridiculous bathing ritual. “It’ll take an hour.”
He looked thoughtful, then “Invite Char and Tom- I can’t see the man-bride before the wedding.”
I laughed, but started to text the two men.
0000
“Black and white Frappe, blended, nay on the whip cream, Turtle Truffle Frappe, Columbia, hot, and Brazilian, iced. “ The waitress handed us our Beverage of the Gods.
“So, Tom. Still whoring yourself out?” Char asked casually.
Colin laughed. That boy always liked awkwardness.
“Char, still longing for a girl who will never love you back?”
“Fuck you.” Char rose from the table. “I’m sick of your condescending comments, and looks. You think you are better than me? I’m studying to be a lawyer, I’m handsome, fuck you. If Christina loved you, she would have made up with you 3 months ago! You are nothing but a fickle asshole. “
Tom sipped his coffee, and stood up. There was a 2 inch height different “Listen, you insecure bastard. I know I’m better than you. I’m studying to be a doctor- helping people, rather than ripping than off. I love Christina, more than you’ll ever know- more than you are capable. Shut your goddamn mouth, before I do it for you.”
They stared at each other for a moment, then knocked over the table and started fighting.
“AH. I SPILLED MY COFFEE! AND STOP FIGHTING! STOP IT, NOW! YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF IMBECILES! “I screamed.
They looked at me.
“Char,” I looked at the brown-haired, freckled lover- the guy who made me laugh for months “You don’t love me. You love the idea of me. Never once, have you said it. Never once, have we had deep conversations. You are constantly looking at other girls. Tell me, I’m wrong. “
He looked down, ashamed. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
He turned to leave, “Still best friends forever-ever? “
“Are you sure you’re not queer?” Colin chipped in.
“No, Will and Grace, and you are getting married! Shame on you!”
We shared a laughed, and some of the tension was eased.
0000
“Char, pick up your freckled asshole! Char, I swear- if I go alone to that wedding, I’m going to throw a pot of scalding hot coffee on you…”
“Christina?” Char picked up on the fourth ring.
“Oh, hello. I was calling to see, why you are 5 minutes late to pick me up…”
“Did you just threaten to spill hot coffee on me?”
“That’s not the point.” I started. “Pick me up! I’m already dressed.”
There was a knock on my door.
I opened it, anxious. That better be Char.
“Char! It’s about- sorry, I had a pot of coffee. “I paused. “Do I have coffee breath?”
He leaned close. “A little. Grab an altoid.”
I looked at him, closely. This was Char. Char, I made out with. Char, I laughed with…Char had a zit.
“Char, you have a giant zit on your chin. Let me put concealer on it.” He shook his head. “You are going to take pictures, with that monster on your face?”
He sighed.
“Great! You gave in. Let me grab my make up bag. “
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“Colin, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband in the state of Maine?”
“I do.”
There were cheers from the crowd.
After the ceremony, I ran up to Colin and hugged him. “Colin! Congrats! You are a married man! I love you so much- Tony,” I started, when he walked up to us. “Take care of my best friend. Use your manly man muscles for some good, kay?”
Tony nodded.
This is it, I thought, we are all growing up. No more, 10 pm dashes to the movie store, because we are stressed from finals. No more sleeping until noon on a Tuesday, becausee class doesn’t start until 2. No more, what? I can’t say that we are going to grow up and become the Adults our parents were-just yet anyway. We are in our early 20s; yet, still, Colin and Tony’s marriage brought me to this conclusion: Everybody’s evolving from the ever-changing world.
000
“Char, are you sure about this?” I asked him quietly. “Boston College is so…in Boston.”
“It’s a 70 percent scholarship, Chris.” He looked at me for a moment, and then grabbed my hand. “It’s only 4 and a half hours, and think of all the adventures you can have driving there. The neighborhood coffee shops, singing to college radios….we’re graduating in 2 weeks. I already made my decision. I love you, but this is for me. “
I gave him a sad smile. “I have this theory, that when you are a teenager- you honestly believe the world is about you. When you are in your 20s, it is blatantly clear, it is not- yet, and you still want it to be so. But, to me, it’s always been-the world is about decisions of other people- that may or may not include you. Like on a Sunday, if you want brunch-and they don’t invite you. Or…you know. “
He laughed, already used to my rambling after a year, and squeezed my hand.
“Here’s looking at you, kid.” He raised his glass.
“Are you going to get me drunk again, so I can sleep with you? How cliché.”
He rolled his eyes, but clicked my glass.
“Here’s to us.”
000
“Honey, I’m drunk.” Ms. Patty told me, handing me a glass.
“That I can see.” I laughed, but grabbed the champagne nonetheless.
“Char is leaving for Boston,” Grandma Watson came up to us “I think he’s gay.”
“What if he’s just a self-actualized man?”
The two old women looked at each other.
“Tom, Christina isn’t behind you.” Mrs. Watson told me.”He’s-“
“Behind you?” Char appeared, just as I knew he would. Nah. I saw him walking this way, when Mrs. Watson came over.
“Queer boy! Doesn’t this Gay Wedding inspire you?” Ms. Patty asked him, clapping him roughly on the shoulder.
He laughed. “Just because a man is well-dressed, knows good movies, likes dark chocolate- the candy, Control yourself! I am not gay.”
At this, there was a tense silence.
“Okay, I came here to confess my undying love to Tom. Christina was all a ridiculous ploy to get this yummy flesh of man. “Char paused, when the two old women gave knowing looks, “Are you serious?!”
“Forget it. They are already gone. “After I said this, I looked at the two women slapping the table, and laughing uproariously at some joke.
He motioned me away from the two drunken biddies.
“Undying love?” I scoffed.
“Shut up. It was some ace sarcasm.”
I rolled my eyes. “Gilmore Girls?” He nodded, pathetically. “Seasons 5-6 all weekend, 3 weeks ago.”
I laughed “Been there. But, we just got to season 3.”
And then, a shared looked between two men whipped, without being together with the actual girl took place.
“Thanks for taking care of her, when I was gone.”
“Gone-by choice.” Char laughed, then “You’re welcome. If she wasn’t adorable as a basket case…”
“Yeah.” We said together.
“It takes a lot to handle her. You were doing it for a year and a half, before me….good luck again.” Char extended his arm.
“Are you asking for my hand in marriage? I thought you weren’t gay?” I joked. “Thank you. Keep in touch. “I said seriously.
“Bon Voyage. “ Char waved
“Bye, ass.” I waved back.
Instead of getting into a fight, we both laughed- So, this is how adults handled the cowboy showdown.
Oh, god. That’s not a Brokeback reference.
000
Graduation. I’m graduating. Chilton University kiss my short ass goodbye!
I took a deep breath.
This is it. Once I get my diploma, I am officially an adult. Suddenly, I started worrying about if I’ll find a job after graduation. I changed my major at the end of my sophomore year to Education. I thought of Tom and Colin going to NYU for their medical degrees. They don’t seem scared at all. Why do I?
Hands shaking, I rummaged in my cabinet for my lorezapam; an anti-anxiety medicine. My panic attacks have gotten better, but there is still the random episode.
My cell started ringing; the ringtone is The Kooks ‘She moves in her own way’
“Tom? Yeah, I’ll be right there. “
Huh. He sounded excited. I guess I’ll find out, when I get there.
000
He was wearing light blue. I always liked him in light blue. It brought out the gray in his eyes. Eyes, sadness, happiness- I love how I can tell how he’s feeling through his eyes.
“Christina.” He had coffee ready for me.
“Tom, how are you?”
It felt awkward for some reason.
“Good, let’s go for a walk. “ He grabbed my hand and we walked out of Coffee Blues.
I looked back; Miss. Patty was smiling at us.
000
“Truth.” He looked at me seriously.
“Shoot.” He was making me nervous with his stare. It wasn’t his usual roll-of-the-eyes affection, but something deeper. What was it?
“If I were to tell you, I want to wake up to your smile and cute screech for coffee in the morning, listen to you ramble when you are nervous, love you even when you doubt anyone can with your “neuroticness” - would you believe me?” He stared at me then, and it felt like the world wasn’t falling apart, for once.
“Yes.”
000

Graduation was over 30 minutes ago, and me, Tom, Colin and Tony were at ihop.
“What is it about the tutti fruiti waffles that is so godly? “ Colin asked us.
“I don’t know, but the coffee for a diner is pretty okay. “ Tom told us.
“That’s weird, “I told him.”I was just going to say that.”
He smiled and grabbed my hand.
“So, what’s next? “ Tony asked us. “You graduated; I have my master’s degree already. What’s going to happen next?”
We paused.
“We are going to keep in touch. “ I started. “And evolve to mature adults, all the while sharing laughs and looking forward to the distant future.”
“Does it have to be so dramatic?” Tom challenged.
“No, but I’m overdramatic and ridiculous. Get over it.”
Colin laughed. “She’s been like that since she was in high school.”
Tony shuddered. “Hiding in the closet, especially as a football player is terrible. “
“I came out when I was 17.” Colin informed us, “Right after I broke up with Christina.”
I scoffed “I broke up with you!”
“Sure, my dear. “
We all sipped our semi-godly coffee.
“Neurotic faces the world. Chapter one” I said.
“Gay men facing marriage, Chapter One.” Colin answered for Tony and himself.
“Boy in love. Chapter 3” Tom looked down.
“Awww, Cheesy!” I said, but grabbed his hand.

After we said out goodbyes, Tom and I walked to my apartment.
“Is your cat there? “
I blinked back imaginary tears. “I am allergic.”
He laughed.
That’s how it started:
Truth and laughter.

The End.

Truth: Chapter 18

Truth: Chapter 18
“So, what do you want to do?” Tom asked me.
We were lying on the ground; the movie just ended and we were at lost on what to do next.
“My hands are aching” I told him “Massage it for me, please”
“Come over here. “ He patted the spot next to him
“You smell good”
“Are you sniffing my hair?” I asked “And it’s my new vanilla shampoo”
He gave me that stare again.
“What do you want from me” I whispered.
“You”
I woke up in a sweat.
I took a shower, got dressed, made coffee and then called Colin.
He picked up the phone on the third ring
“Yes, my dear” he answered
“I need to talk to you” I told him urgently. I needed to talk to someone about this dream, and my appointment with Dr. Maynes wasn’t until a few more days.
“I do”
“What…”
“I’m practicing for the wedding! It’s in 2 weeks and a half”
I sighed deeply. “Colin. I had a dream about Tom- it wasn’t a sex dream, rather something out of a romantic comedy.”
“Classic or Ashton Kutcher?”
“What does it matter?”
“Classic is true romance, whereas Kutcher is just fluff!” Colin told me dramatically.
“Classic. I asked him what he wants from me, then he looked me in the eye and said ‘You’ “I paused “What does that mean”
I didn’t tell anyone about the list, so Colin has no idea that I’m in love with Tom.
“It means you love him.”
“I don’t-“
He interrupted. “You two have been going around in circles for months; just admit it.”
So, I told him everything. He is, after all, my best friend.
When I was finished, I asked if he wanted to meet at Coffee Blues in 2 hours.
I needed to see someone; not to cry it out. God, no. What do I look like? A Basket case?
I mean, I am a basket case- but I don’t look like one! Wait, do I?
I took deep breaths that Dr. Maynes taught me. I was getting too paranoid.
0000
My father said, “Whatever you do, don’t fall in love.”
I never got that meaning until I met her.
She annoys me. It’s really that simple. I don’t know if I want to push her away for being so ignorant of my feelings, or force her to understand.
I’m not going to gather her in my arms “Oh, Christina! I’ve loved you from the moment I met you!”
It’s true, of course. But, that will only make her vomit from the sappiness and push her away.
She’s a funny girl, that Christina. I could list all her faults, reason my way out of my affections- but I know I’ll keep coming back. Always.
She’s mine, and that Char guy has nothing on what we have. Nothing.
It’s time to win her back. No more whores, I want love.
Oh, god. I think I might vomit from the sap; but it’s true. Besides, I heard Crystal has Nasty Snatch Junk.
Back to the point, how can I get her back?
As if lighting struck me, I looked at the mug on the table.
Coffee.
0000
I heard someone knock on my door. I always found that annoying, when I was making my coffee. Shouldn’t there be a signal that I’m making the beverage of the Gods?
I sighed and walked away from Melvin (my coffee maker) and reached the doorway.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Tom.”
I smoothed out my hair, checked my teeth in the mirror next to the door and took three calming breaths Dr.Maynes taught me.
What? I can’t seem like a basket case to the man I love.
I opened the door.
0000
Was it my imagination, or does she look shorter?
I stared. “I brought coffee.”
She smiled and reached over.
“Black and White, two sugars, no cream?” She asked me
“Yes.” I smiled. “It’s a great peace offering, no?”
“Coffee can end wars, they say. “ She smiled again, and motioned me into the kitchen.
“I’m making waffles. Do you want?” She asked me. “Slightly burnt, extra syrup and strawberries, right?”
“Affirmative. “
“I missed you. “ We said together.
“I called, you know. Those unknown numbers were me. “
“Shit. Now, I owe Tony a $20. And here I thought, it was some stalker. “She laughed. “Were you stalking me?”
“Only on Thursdays. “
After that, everything seemed back in place. The puzzles fit again.
000
“I saw you and Tom together! Yay for making up! Now, tell me, did you have mad sex?” Tony asked me.
“Yes on making up, no on mad sex and who says that?” I furrowed my eyebrows. “Strange Queer.”
“Ignore him. He’s cracked up on red bull.” Colin told me.
I slapped Tony in the face. “RED BULL?! Traitor! That’s treason. Energy drink over coffee? I. am. So. Ashamed. “
“Calm down, Chris. “ Tony told me, scared for his life.
Or, I liked to think he was scared for his life. The thought of being intimidating, instead of cute when angry brings me joy.

“Christina Watson! I asked who you is your date to the wedding!” Colin told me, exasperated.
“Char. We planned this month ago. “
“Char? But, Tom is blonde. “Tony argued.
“What does hair color have to do with it?” I asked him
“Blond men are prettier. It’s my Gay Man Opinion, so it must be true. “Tony patted my head. “You have much to learn.”
I slapped his hand away, and walked to the door.
“Well, I already told Char and that is that. “ I glanced back, saw Tony’s stricken face, and stuck out my tongue.
Gay men!
0000
“Char, quit- Char!” Char was kissing my neck. I know he does that when he wants something or is angry.
You are probably thinking, ‘kissing your neck because he’s angry?’ I don’t pretend to understand him.
“Chris-Tina. Are you friends with Tom, again. Yes or no?” Char stopped kissing me, and look at me.
I rolled my eyes. “Would you like me to get a piece of paper and check mark, yes or no?” I told him sarcastically. “Yes, I’m friends with him, Char. You should be too. He’s me, Colin, and Tony’s best friend; and it will be awkward to the group if both of you dislike each other!”
“Wait.” He raised both hands. “I didn’t know the feeling was mutual. “
“And why wouldn’t you think that.”
“Chris-tina.” Here, he looked at me very seriously. “I’m completely loveable.”
I threw a pillow at him.
0000
“Truth.”
We were walking Central Park eating scones and drinking coffee.
“Shoot.”Tom said, taking a bite of his strawberry scone.
“Why were you with all those girls when we had friendship-up. “
“Friendship-up? What is that?”
I stomped my foot (very maturely.) “It’s when friends break up! Now, tell me why.”
There was a silence.
“I was trying to get over you.” He looked at me carefully, that look that I’ve grown fond of, and then looked away.
000

“Then, he said “I was trying to get over you.” What does that mean? Was he in love with me? Or was he just hurt that we weren’t friends anymore. Or was he angry that I was seeing Char, and sought revenge-because he was in love with me OR he was hurt we weren’t friends anymore!” I gasped. “This is taking a lot out of me.”
Dr. Maynes was silent for a moment.
“Maybe, he was feeling both emotions?”
“Oh, god. Now, I’m going to overanalyze the situation until my mental health deteriorates further, and I start knitting! What 21 year old knits!” I leaned back in my chair “This is all very confusing. “
She hmm-nn. I find that very annoying. Why must all therapist “hmm-nn.” It’s this know it all sound. I hate it. It’s like, “I’m listening, and know everything.” Wait, that’s not it. It’s “I’m listening and can’t believe how neurotic you are. “ That’s-
“Christina? You are overanalyzing again. Deep breaths. One. Two. Three.” Dr. Maynes instructed me.
I did what she asked.
“Here’s homework for you. Make a list of all the things you love about Tom and Char. You’ll find the answer there. I believe our session is over.”
0000
Here’s the list
Tom.
1. I love our deep conversations, and then it can become silly.
2. I love how he can make me laugh with his sarcasm
3. I love how he challenges me
4. I love how he’s addicted to coffee
5. I love how he doesn’t tell me, like all my other friends, that I’m drinking too much coffee
6. I love how he gets along with my family
7. I love that no matter how harsh the fight, we always come back

Char
1. I love how he makes me laugh
2. I love our scamming adventures
3. I love his goofy adorableness
4. But, we use each other for companionship- we don’t love each other. He’s competitive over Tom. That’s why he’s jealous. Tom is the man he wants to me. I figured this out in therapy. Sometimes, he doesn’t listen. He doesn’t challenge me.
5. He isn’t Tom.

I looked at the list, at all the perfections and faults of the two men, and made my choice.
Oh, god. Cry me a river. This is going to be hard to break the news

Truth:Chapter 17

Weeks in writing!

“Char, Char, Char! I can’t wear yellow to the groombride shower. It washes out my skin” I told him exaggeratedly.
“Groombride?” He questioned, shaking his head. His brown hair was getting too long, and starting to wave on the bottom. It was kind of adorable, actually.
“Yes, Tony isn’t really a man, is he? It’s like a bridal shower- for a man? He doesn’t want strippers, just renting out a hotel room and getting facials.” I told him.
“You make him sound like he’s the gayest man in the world. He’s, as you say, “looks manly man.”
“Yes, I know. Anyway, let’s not talk about it. Hold my purse, please?” I looked up at him with big eyes.
He sighed. “Why, again?”
“For ultimate embarrassment.” I paused. “And because you love me.”
He took my purse.
0000
“How are Tony and Colin’s wedding plans going” Dr. Maynes asked me, popping nicotine gum in her mouth.
“It’s okay. One month left! Colin is freaking out about the menu. And table cloths. And venue.” I paused. “He’s freaking out about basically everything. “
“Ah. Who are you intending to take?”
“Most likely Char. We are kind of seeing each other. I mean, we are always with each other…and stuff.”
“Stuff?”
“Stuff” I looked at her meaningfully.
She’s a woman, but she isn’t my friend and I’m not that comfortable to talk about things like that with her. Now that I think about it, I don’t have much “lady friends”
“Ah, I see” She gave me her therapist stare. It was very annoying
“Yes.”
We talked about my senior year, and my lack of panic attacks; how that was a sign of my mental health progressing.
Then it was time to leave.
Dr. Maynes looked at her watch. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Sure thing”
I walked out of the office, and then got into my car.
I found myself dialing Tom’s number, wanting to tell him how my session went. It’s almost automatic to pick up the phone and call him when something happens, or just to talk; but I can’t do that anymore. Maybe it’s time to make up. But, will he let me?
0000
“Truth.”Tom told me. We were walking in Central Park, one of our favorite activates after getting coffee.
“Shoot. “ I told him.
“Do you have a 5 Year Plan?” he asked me.
“I don’t go that far into the future. I have 2 year plans. “
“Why not 5?”
“5 are so long term and it has this sense of concrete to it. Life plans should be flexible, yet, concise. “I took a sip of my blended mocha truffle coffee.
“Ah.” Tom looked thoughtful. “Explain.”
“I mean, plans are basically a semi-elaborate list-what to do first, and then next. If you are making normal, everyday plans like ‘Where do you want to go? What time should we meet?’ It has to be definite, or it’ll fall through. Life Plans, on the other hand, can’t be so because time comes up faster than we expect it- We’ll fall short on our 5 Year Plan. Besides, 5 years is too great of a time to even want to predict what may come.” I stared at me. “You follow?”
He rolled his eyes. “Would I be here, if I didn’t?” He grabbed my arm. “There are puddles everywhere. “
“Oh, Tom. You just want to hold me!”
We laughed and continued walking.
00000
Three weeks left until the wedding

“Talk to him.” Dr. Maynes told me.
We were talking about Tom for five sessions now. I can’t help that I have nothing else to talk about…
“But, if I talk to him- after what, 3 months, it’ll seem like I miss him and I’m desperate for his companionship.”
She stared.
I sighed deeply. “If he wanted to contact me, he would have by now. “
“What about those unknown numbers? Tony told you his theory about that being Tom.” Dr. Maynes told me quite calmly.
“Tony also has a theory gay men are nicer than lesbians. “
She laughed, then sobered up. “We’ve been talking about “saving yourself” in these sessions, but what we didn’t breach is, sometimes you have to let other people aide you in the process. We live in an interpersonal world. People need people for, as you say, “don’t go mental and start knitting.”
From all of what you told me and my belief that Tony’s theories are correct, you two friendship is worth fighting for. You don’t meet real friends like that very often. “She looked at her watch. “It’s time to leave. But, first, I want to give you an assignment.”




000000


Doctor Maynes is making me write a list; a list about my feelings- my “iffiness” with Char, Tom and Myself. It’s stupid, but here it is.

Love. A word. An Emotion. A failing.
It hurts.
You don’t sleep.
You get so nervous at the thought of him, you act like some crazy, OCD twit.
Jealousy makes me break out.
My hands shake so much when I imagine them together, I spill my coffee. My coffee…COFFEE.
I don’t like how he just let me go, and didn’t fight for me.
I hate how I want him to be jealous.
I hate how I’m leading on a great guy, but can’t help it because I’m so sprung on Him. Asshole.
I hate how he makes me figure things out for myself; like now- that I love him, after almost 2 months of being angry, but longing.
I hate how I enjoy our debates, when half the time he is winning. He never lets me win.
I hate how I compared every other guy, even the Classic Hollywood Men, and they fall short.
I hate him.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate the loss of control. I, a girl with everything in its particular place, 2 year plans; to do lists- can’t control the situation, my emotions. God, don’t make me say heart!
I hate that after all this time, He’s known all along.
I hate how I have to apologize.
But, I learned, hating something means less than doing what you must for the one you love.
And I love him.
Huh.
I said it.
I love him.

useful for writers

http://www.phrases.org.uk/index.html

Author's note:

You may have realized this already... but I am taking a break on writing Truth.I don't have motivation. There is my other story "Another Angst Story" It is Tom POV. Check that out please.

Truth:Dressing Rooms

author's note:companion piece to Truth

"Colin!The purple cuff links or the white?Tony asked, holding up an extravagant pair of each.

"Purple is too gay. White." Colin told him while he browsed through the ties.

"Yes, but-"

"He's right.Too gay. " I told Told.

We were in Tux's and Gow for 45 minutes and I was already growing annoyed.

"And you're too short and neurotic!" Tony stuck out his tongue.

"I'm 5'2 AND a half." I said, sniffing."That's average height."

"At the shire- oh are your feet hairy too?"Tony clapped his hand like the gay dinosaur he is. No!Leave me alone!"

It was too late. He was already taking off my flats.

"Mismatched socks?Really?"

Tony shook his head.

"Grow a pair."

"Colin can vouch for that."

I made a disgusted face(and who can blame me) and walked out.

Truth:Chapter 16

Truth:Chapter 16
“Your first crush?” I asked Tom, taking a sip of my coffee.
“Melissa Akers. 4th grade. She was gorgeous. Blonde hair, blue eyes… I was a boy in love. “ He sighed. “Too bad I was a scrawny kid.”
I pinched his muscles. “You’re not anymore.”
“ I know.” He told me”Okay, same question.”
“Timonthy Allen. 2nd grade. Forgot what he looked like. I was too skinny as well.”
“Sad.” He did that eyebrow thing“The curse of ugly kids.”
I threw my spoon at him.
“I wasn’t ugly!”
“I was just kidding!”
“No, you were doing that eyebrow thing- you always do that when you are trying to be serious.” I shook a finger in his face.
“You got me.” He rolled his eyes. “Are you finished with that?” Tom pointed to my half-eaten waffles.
“Yes, dutch this time?”
“I’ll pay.” He motioned for the waiter “Check please.”
0000
“YOU BROKE MARVIN!” I screeched to Char. I can’t believe he broke my coffee maker! What a sin!
“I swear-it just happened!” He ducked my punch.”I’ll buy you another one.”
“Okay, let’s go now. “ He stared at me blankly.”I’ll get dressed! God, like I’ll go out with just my jammies on.”
0000
“What about this one?” Char pointed to a Mr. Coffee machine.
“That cheap piece of shit? Uh, no.” I wandered down the aisle looking for the perfect replacement for Marvin(RIP) “Char!”
I started jumping up and down, which was a bad idea because I almost bumped into an old woman.
“LUXIST!It’s in red…and its on sale!”
“Christina, that is $400…”
“Marvin was a Luxist…this could be his son or daughter. You owe me, Char.” I tried to look intimidating, but he just laughed.
“You’re lucky I have a job.”
“Where do you work at?”
“I whore some girls out.”
“Haha,cute. I know you quit the delivery place, so where?”
“I got an internship at the law firm. It doesn’t pay much .Just $15 an hour…”
“Oh. Well, that’s more than me…if I don’t get any tips. Which I do, I mean, not to be conceited but I am a young, attractive woman.” I told him.
“That you are. Hurry, let’s pay for this, and go back to my place.”
“Rent movies?”
“NO Monty Python!”
I sighed. “Deal”
0000
“Ah, I wish all guys could profess their love like Harry.” I told Tom
“Yeah, like all guys have a script in front of them.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Where’s your sense of romance?”
He trampled on top of me and whispered “Is this romantic?
“If you think cutting off my air supply is romantic, then no.”
He rolled off.
I miss Tom. I shouldn’t be thinking of him when I’m with Char…I shouldn’t.
0000
“I’d like to apologize for my unprofessional behavior, Christina.” Dr. Maynes said when I sat down.

“It’s okay. It seems we are both going under some stress.”
“Go on. “
“I finally admitted I miss Tom after I saw him with another girl. Me and Char got drunk and had sex. We weren’t drunk, and had sex again. Colin and Tony are getting married. I want to quit my job. I’m anxious about senior year…I’m just so confused.” I started to tear up. “Shit. I hate crying. It makes me feel like a damsel or a basketcase. I guess I’m leaning more to the basketcase.”
I started to laugh. “When did everything fall apart?”
“You have to decided that for yourself. I can’t tell you how to feel.”
“Or it wouldn’t be self-help, right? “
“Yes.”
0000
“Colin, you really need to organize your paperwork! It won’t surprise me, in this mess, you will lose your bills and have to file bankruptcy. And then-“ I paused for dramatic effect “You can’t take me out to dinner.”
“Christina, I’m a pharmacist in training- I will make enough money to feed you and Tom’s kids!” Colin sighed when I turned silent.
“Can you two just get over it? You miss him. He’s fucking everyone to pretend he doesn’t miss you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I’ve been watching Dr. Oz.”
“ Ew. His arms are so hairy- like a caveman. “ Colin stared. “What? I notice these things!”
“Back to the point, avoider of topics, “ Colin started. “You miss him. Call him. Have babies, I want to be an Uncle.”
“Don’t you have a sister? “ I threw a pillow at him “Kids are retarded midgets! You know that!”
He laughed. “You’re mistaking the general population for your childhood. “
I threw another pillow at him.
00000
I’m going to do it. I’m going to call the man I’ve been avoiding for months. Now…
“Christina, honey dew, you are saying your thoughts aloud again.” Tony told me.
“Shut up! Let me call…okay…someone hand me the phone. “
“The phone is in your hand.”
I threw the phone “Someone get me the phone and hand it to me. “
My friends stared. “Ah, I can’t do this. “
5 minutes later after Char pulled me down and putting the phone in my hands, I called.
“Char, you really need to work on those abs. They are not as hard.”
“Hello?” a girl answered Tom’s phone. She’s probably a slut. And blonde. And tall. And gorgeous. Ag.
“Is Tom there?” I asked politely.
“He’s getting dressed.” The girl said, bored.
I hung up.
“He has another girl over there. “
“ Oh.” Colin said. “Maybe she’s there to pick up something. “
“Like her panties” Char muttered.
“He’s getting dressed. They had sex!” I groaned “He’s over me.”
“Don’t cry.” Tony said, already passing me a tissue.
“I won’t. “
0000
There was a knock on my door.
“Ugh. Too early.” I rolled off the latest bint and got out of bed.
I opened the door to find two angry men.
“Hello, Dugrey. Can we come in?” asked Colin, not waiting for the formal invitation, he walked inside.
“Can I help you?” I said gruffly.
“ You can.” Tony said “Quit being an ass and call Christina”
I groaned “She told me she doesn’t need me. What am I supposed to do? Bother her until she does? No thanks. I’m fine right now.”
“Whoring yourself doesn’t seem fine, does it Tony?” Colin asked his fiancée
“No, it doesn’t. It sounds like he’s running away. I think that’s it, fiancée”
“Yes, I think-“
I interrupted them “If you are done trying to guilt trip me. I’m going to stop you right now. I need coffee.”
Almost automatically, flashbacks of Christina appeared in my mind.
“I’ll make it.” Colin offered, pushing me out of the way and into the kitchen.
“Ew. Maxwell House? You lowered your standards in everything” Colin tsked
“I’m a struggling college student”
“No, you’re not.” Tony said off-handedly “You are a struggling college whore.”
“Enough with the antagonism, Queer Eye. I can always kick you out, you know.” I told them, frustrated.
“You don’t have the muscle power.” Colin told me
Tony then flexed.
“Right. “ I rolled my eyes. I’m really sick of these two making me out to be the bad guy.
“You are the bad guy.” Colin told me, drinking my coffee. “You voice your thoughts aloud…like someone else we know.”
I scowled. “Out!”
Colin pushed Tony out the door.
“Good. Now, its just the boys.” Colin told me.
“Tony isn’t one?” I asked, smirking
“He likes to pretend he is, but I know better.” Colin walked closer to me. “You. Need. To. Make. Up. With. The Love of your life. “
“Emily Blunt won’t return my calls.” I told him.
“Listen, smart ass, I am not leaving until you call her. She’s lonely without you.”
“Fine, Elton John,” Colin scoffed at me “Hand me the phone”
He did. I started dialing. She picked up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?” Christina answered. In the background, I could hear shuffling “Char!” Giggle.
“I’m sorry. Who is this?” She asked.
I hung up.
“Lonely, huh? Sounds like she’s fine with another man.”
00000
Damn you, Christina. I thought. Char was supposed to leave at 3! I told that girl…
“She’s probably watching Sex and the City. “ Tom stared at me disbelievingly. “That’s her favorite show, now that its on E!” He still stared “Oh, so you can whore yourself, but Christina can’t be with her friend? That’s hypocritical, Dugrey. A double standard, actually.”
“Out. Now.” Tom interrupted me.
I nodded, and headed out.
0000
“He was heartbroken, Tony, I’m telling you.” I explained to my fiancée. “That’s the only reason why he would be so angry.”
Tony nodded indulgently.
“Maybe I can prescribe him Prozac…” I wondered aloud
“What’s with pharmacist- or future pharmacists- and drugging everyone?” Tony asked me.
“I’m not a frat boy drugging some freshman. Its prescribing medicine that can help you.”
“And Prince Charles is attractive.”
“He does have that charm.”
Tony turned his showtunes up.
0000
“What are you doing?” Char asked me.
I was applying my moisturizer for the fifth time.
“Moisturizing. I don’t want wrinkles.” I told him simply.
“This is your sixth time applying that goo to your face.” Char reminded me.
“The fifth. The first thing I put was for my brown spots.”
“You’re PALE.”
“You can still get sun marks. “
“You get sunburn every time you go outside- You don’t go outside.”
“That’s not true. I went to get the paper across the street” I shook my finger at him “I’m not a zombie that comes out at night. I love the sun…even though it’s a bitch that burns me. Nevermind, I don’t like the sun. The sun can go to hell..wait there is already a sun in hell. I mean, that’s why its so hot, right?”
“Ask Tom.” He muttered.
I chose to ignore his comment.
“Let’s just get coffee, okay?”
He agreed.
I want someone that challenges me, I thought.

One shot:Paperworks

"Christina." No response. "Chrissssttttina"

"Shut up, Tom. I have to do this paperwork. Those twats at the office gave me a ton." Christina sighed. "6 months after graduation, and I already have a soul-sucking job."

"Quit?" Tom offered his suggestion.

Christina looked at the red clock on the left side of the wall.

"I can't. Seattle Times hasn't called yet- I mean, they are a new company. I guess they need to get everything together before they hire someone...6:45. I guess I can take a break."

Tom leaned in for a kiss, but was stopped by Christina's exclaim "Tom! You smell like curry. Gross, brush your teeth. I can't stand curry!"

Tom sighed and got off the cough. "There better be some spooning when I come back."

5 seconds later. "Oh, and mouthwash too!"

"My girlfriend is crazy" Tom thought.



author's note: Just something to keep my one fan by.

Truth:Chapter 15

Truth:Chapter 15
Woah. Too much to drink last night. Way, way too much to drink. Where was I again? It was a messy apartment, law books everywhere…wait law books?
I looked at the man next to me on the bed:brown hair, lean body, freckles on the nose…CHAR!
“Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god” I muttered.
“What?” Char looked at me”Shit. Shit. Shit.”
“Did we?”
We both looked under the covers. Naked.
“I was drunk!” we both said simultaneously.
Suddenly, memories of last night came flashing back. It was the end of finals, shots, oh, god…so many shots, saw Tom with another girl, Char comforting me, Char kissing me, Char taking me to his apartment, Char…I can’t believe I had sex with one of my best friends.
“This,” I said “should never be repeated.”
“I agree.” Char told me. “Breakfast. You’re pretty wild.”
I laughed and slapped his hand.
Some thing will never change.

00000
“Waffles or pancakes?” Tom asked.
“Waffles, definitely. Pancakes remind me of old men in diners.”
It was then that I saw an old man glaring at me.
“Wow, suave, Chris. “
“A standing ovation for my classy observation and delivery is in order!”
Tom used his fork to tap his coffee mug.
“Thank you, thank you. “
“ The word “post-its” or “sticky-notes”?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. That’s a legitimate question. Some people refer it as ‘sticky notes’, like me, some people refer to it as ‘post-its’, like Char; I didn’t notice his scowl when I said his name; Now which one?”
“Sticky notes. Real men don’t refer to anything as inane as “its”
“Hmmn. Don’t agree. What about frat boys “Dude, I did it with her!”
“That’s only in That 70s Show. “
“What about, “Dude, I did that shit.”
“Point taken. Out of all your guy friends, who do you like spending the most time with?”
“Tough.” I had to ponder on this one. “Colin. He’s my best friend. I’m not saying you, Char, or Tony aren’t great- but me and Colin are close close. Like I’m his Fag Hag and he is my Gay. “
“I see.”
Is it my imagination or does he look disappointed?
0000
“Coffee please. “ I ordered.
“Same here.” Char said tossing the menu to the side.
“And your meals?” the waitress asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
Gag me.
“ The omelets special. Christina, my girlfriend, will have the light.”
I smiled smugly at her, only to get a glare in return.
“Girlfriend? Thanks for ordering for me, sexist.”
“If you mean, sexy dictator, welcome. And she’s ugly, I had to make her stop ogling me with her ugly eyes.”
“Char! You shallow man! I’m sure she has a great- she’s a bitch and ugly. A double curse. “
“Ay, Ay.”
5 minutes later our food was ready and brought out.
“This omelet is amazing!” I exclaimed “Ew, Char, you’re eating like Tom.”
I frowned. I missed Tom. How long has it been since I talked to him? 3? 4 weeks?

Char grabbed my hand “Just give him a call. He’s your love. Besides, if he can take you as you are, anal retentive loon, then he’s the one. I mean, you’re hard to handle. I can handle you because I’m God’s gift to the world- I’m like a-“
I covered his mouth with my hand.
“Do shut up. And I can’t just call him! I basically told him I don’t need him- and did you see him with that other girl last night? She is TALL, and pretty. And here I am short, and mere cute.”
“Like a bunny or some adorable creature.”
I glared.
“Just making a point. Besides, he was staring at you the whole night.”
“I guess. Maybe, I’ll call him…call I put him on speaker phone with you?”
He patted my hand “You, poor, adorable woman. Of course, you can.”
0000
“How are you today, Christina?” Dr. Maynes asked, popping a nicotine gum in her mouth.
“I’m doing great. I’m finished with my junior year at the university; and see Char, Tony and Colin all the time.”
“What about Tom?”
“Um, we don’t talk much.”
“I see. How are your migraines?”
It feels like a fat man is jumping on my forehead.
“It’s getting better. “
“Great. Have you been going to your anxiety support group?”
Never been.
“Yes, its enlightening.”
“Hmmn, you are bipolar, neurotic, and a compulsive liar. “
“That’s all true.” I told her. I’m used to therapists being upfront when they want to get me to spill.
“How does it make you feel about yourself?”
“Very bad. Very bad indeed. Like a murderer of morals, like a thief of standards, like a-
“Sarcasm is not necessary, Ms. Watson. I am asking why you are not following my suggestions, yet say you are.”
“Honestly, its because I don’t need it. I’m fine figuring shit on my own. I don’t need a support group to feel sorry for me. I have my friends to understand and sympathize. No offence, but you are a paid professional, you have no right demanding me to follow your “suggestions” I do believe this session is over.
0000
“God, Colin. Dr. Maynes is a real bitch when she doesn’t smoke. “
“What did she do?” Tony asked.
“Tony, get your big show tune mouth out of it.” He looked sad. Ha, always does- tricks me to tell him more”If I wanted to look at puppy eyes, I would adopt a pet. Where is Timmy?”
“He’s with his grandparents for the month.” Tony replied, filing his nails.
“May I ask why?”
“We are going to get married!” Colin squealed.
“Oh my god! Really? Where at?”
“Maine! It’s next June!”
“Colin, Tony this is great! Who is going to be your best man?”
“Um, I was hopefully you would be the best WOMAN.”
I blinked back tears. “Really? Oh, that would be amazing!”
We talked excitedly about the wedding plans in the car, and on our way to Tony and Colin’s
0000
“I can’t believe we had sex again…” I groaned into my hands.
“And you weren’t even drunk this time!”
“Char, this isn’t funny!”
“What? You think my sex skills are laughable?” he put a tan hand to his chest and sighed “That hurts. Right here, Christina.”
I rolled my eyes.”Don’t tell anyone.”
“But, what about our true love? We can’t hide that from the world!”
I grabbed a pillow and wacked him with it.
“I got to go to work. “
He leaned in for a kiss.
I sighed but gave him a peck.

Truth:Chapter 14

The cheerful birds chirping was my wake up call. Did I say chirping? More like squeaking loudly in an offensive manner.
I groaned and got out of my warm bed. It was time for class.
I quickly grinded the coffee, Brazilian this time and waited for it while I ate jam and toast.
“Today better be a good day.” I thought to myself, while I grabbed my travel coffee mug, my school supplies and coat and walked out the door.
0000
Today sucked. And Blown up. Like a nuclear bomb, but with shittiness.
I was missing a half of page in a 10 page essay for my nazi-marketing professor, and she freaked and gave me an “incomplete”
Incomplete=worse than an F at an university.
When I got home, I kicked off my shoes and went to what I called the maker of Heaven: My Coffee Machine. I christened it Marvin. It seemed sophisticated. Don’t ask me why because I haven’t got a clue.
I checked the messages on my machine.There were two from Colin and one from Char reminding me that we have dinner tonight at 7. I looked at the clock. 5:45. Shit, I thought.
I hurried to take a shower, and get ready. 40 minutes later, I was all dressed and putting the finishing touches on my makeup, when Char knocked on my door.
“Char.” I smiled, opening the door and inviting him in.
“You moved your furniture, again; the second time this month. “ He laughed and gave me a hug “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” I murmered taking in his familiar cologne of Hugo Boss. I went with him to buy it- he used to wear the cheap stuff. Bleh. “Law school keeps you so busy. We hardly spend any time together.”
“I know. That’s why I’m taking you to dinner. Are you ready?” he asked.
“Yes.”
I was moving on slowing from Christina. She was another fish in the sea, after all. A rare, beautiful fish- but just another one, nonetheless.I’m focusing on my studies, Nerd Mode you could say. It’s working out because I’m acing all my classes. In a few months, my junior year will end and then I’ll be getting a summer internship at the hospital. It doesn’t pay much.But, at least it’ll keep me distracted from thoughts of Her.
0000
“Nice place.” I tried to whistle, but it just sounded like I was blowing air from my mouth.
Char laughed. “It is, isn’t it? Come on, the reservations are already set and its almost 7.”
We walked into the fancy restaurant and all I saw were flowers- they were everywhere: on the tables, on the shelves, on baskets hanging from the ceiling.
“Are you going to propose? What’s with all the flowers?” I asked curiously.
“Don’t feel special. I took a girl here last week and got la-“ he stopped when I saw his glare.
“You have such a way with words. “ I said, following the waiter to our seats.
“What would you like to drink?”
“No funny accent, this time?” Char asked
I slapped his hand”Char!”
“Oh. I was doing that as a joke.” The waiter explained “Your drinks?”
“Water. What, Char?” I asked when he gave me a funny look.
“How am I supposed to take advantage of you ,when you don’t get drunk first?”I glared “Kidding, of course.”
“Of course, my ass””
“And a very fine one, at that” Char finished for me.”I’ll have a water, as well.”
We made small talk for a few minutes until I felt something weird.
It was funny. My hands started shaking, my toes were tingly. I couldn’t breathe. Everything was going so fast. It was like things were in a blur. I blinked trying to push back the feeling of not breathing. My hands, still shaking, rushed to my face. Was it still there? Everything felt funny. My heart was beating really fast, like a rabbit thumping. Thump. Thump. Thump. I thought it lasted for hours, but it lasted for minutes. I didn’t hear anyone calling my name until someone shook me.
“Christina! Christina! Are you alright? I’m going to take you to the hospital.”
“Oh Okay. “ I said slowly. I calmed down, but my hands were still shaking.
0000
“Everything is normal.” The doctor told us. “She just had a panic attack. It can be caused for a variety of reasons. One of them being from stress or medication.”
Me and Char looked at each other. “I’m on a few medications. “ I then listed all the medication I was on.
When I was finished, he gave me his work number to give to Dr. Maynes to discuss “possible treatment options.”
Great. This is fantastic. Absolutely amazing- I won the lottery of fuck up in all things life. My, how proud Mother would be. Mother, I thought, the woman who always believed in me. I wonder what she thinks of me now?
000
“Relax, Christina, it was just one panic attack.” Colin tried to console me.
“Colin, but what if there is something else wrong with me? God, I don’t mean to sound all angst-girl, but I’m already Bipolar!Next, I’m going to be some neurotic who can’t leave the house, and have to get too many cats, and have stringy hair and-“
Tony threw a pillow at me.
“Calm down, Chris. IF, and I mentally capitalized “IF” you are a neurotic, who cares? You’ll still be Christina. So, what if it may make you more anal retentive and annoying- I mean, you’re not annoying. “ Tony tried to save himself
“ You’re sinking, Hun, sinking.” Colin told his boyfriend, shaking his head.
“Guys. Enough. This, as always, is about me and how fucked up I am.” I laughed bitterly.
“Christina. Please, just get some rest. Look at the bags under your eyes. When was the last time you slept?”
3 days ago, I thought.
“Last night.”
“LIAR” Tony called from the kitchen
“Okay, I’ll guess. I’ll let you guys go do your gayly deeds.” I sighed, grabbing my coat and walked out of the door.
00000
“My panic attacks have an underlining meaning?”
“I believe so.” Dr.Maynes told me.

Truth:Chapter 13

Truth: Chapter 13

“I gotta go.” I said.
“You are staying with me, now?” Tom said, in that logical way he always does when I was being ridiculous.
“Um, I’ll be in my room!” I rushed to the temporary room, I would be staying in.
Shit Shit Shit.
What did I just do?
There was a knock on the door, hesitant at first, then pounding.
“Christina.”
Don’t respond.
“I-“
“I love you.”
I didn’t answer for a few minutes, and then I locked the door.
He must have heard the click, because he commented on it.
“Unlock the door! I’m telling you I love you, and you lock the door in my face. Way to boost the ego, Chris.”
“Oh, god. Tom. I have to think about this! It’s all so sudden. I-“
“We’ve been dancing around in circles for months.” He sighed. “I’ll be outside waiting.”
I bided my time like a coward, until I smelled the freshly brewed coffee. Columbian. My favorite.
I opened the door slowly. “Tom?”
“I couldn’t get you out of the room, but coffee could? You wound me so.” Tom shook his head in either disgust or astonishment; I wasn’t sure.
“I can’t live here anymore.” I started. “Its not-“
“You it’s me. I’ve been through the break up before, no need to repeat the lines.”
I was growing frustrated. This isn’t what I planned- sure I just planned it right now, but still.
We stared at each other for a few moments.
“Tom. You don’t want me. I’m all messed up inside. Don’t say anything. I am. I don’t need you to be my Prince Charming, riding in your white horse trying to save me. I’m no damsel…I’m not broken, either. This is going to sound so angst-filled, but I need to find me, before I can figure out us. Besides, you’re too good for me. “I looked at him for a second longer and walked away.
I didn’t think it would be that easy. Walking away, I mean. The movies and books make it seem much more excruciating than it appears. ‘Oh, she walked away from true love and now she can never move on’ that’s not me. The real pain was when- I kept walking and didn’t pause.
0000
“Christina, you love that boy.” Colin told me, sipping his coffee.
“I know. It’s just-I don’t know if he can handle me. Colin, I’m crazy. I have a past. How would he handle my condition? I’m not normal, Colin. He deserves someone better.”
“Honey, no one’s normal. Fuck, if he wants a Step ford Wife, he could get one easily. But, he chose you. You, honey.”
The thing about Colin is he makes me feel better when no one else can. He’s upfront. He doesn’t lie to spare my feelings, but at this moment I wish he would; knowing that Tom chose messed up me- makes it more difficult to get him out of my life, to save him from myself.
00000
“Why are you terrified of the thought of love?”Dr. Maynes asked me.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. She gave me the Therapist Stare “I guess I’m scared of losing control, of my love being denied, of it being loss or destroyed- or me ending up heartbroken. My Aunt Yvette always told me “Never marry someone you love.” She said it just adds complications. Complications such as battles of whom…okay, I don’t know what that means exactly. All I know is I rather protect my heart. Being in love is like giving someone else something precious, and they have the opportunity to destroy it, leaving you shattered. And frankly, I’m not willing to take that chance. Yet, I never felt this way before. When I look at Tom, I get butterflies and that annoying drop in the stomach. All that cliché romance bullshit, I used to make fun of girls for doing- I am doing. It’s not fair. I’m being illogical.”
“How is having feeling of love illogical? It’s human nature to long for romantic companionship.” Dr. Maynes stated.
“It’s illogical for me, because it contradicts everything I set myself to believe in. I’m the girl who scorns love. It’s for saps, people who have nothing to lose; what I mean by that is, people who are willing to lose control. It’s illogical because I’m the type of person who has to be in control. That’s why I’m so anal retentive. Everything has its place, everything a certain way or manner-it’s a way of controlling my environment. “
“What about your condition?”
I should have seen that coming.
“I know during my episodes control is the least thing on my mind; it’s like a lost habit; something I know but without in my grasp-or rather something I don’t care to be in my grasp. That’s why when I’m well; I tend to do the exact opposite of my manic stage. It makes me feel weak, and abnormal. Which brings me back to Tom, why would he want that?”
Dr. Maynes took a deep breath.
“There is nothing abnormal about you. You got a condition. So, do individuals with hypertension and diabetes- does that make them abnormal? I’m not supposed to say this, considering this is a professional environment,” at this point fun therapist made her return “But, girl, you’re like a flame that attracts the moth. And from the pictures you shown me of Tom, he’s a very hot moth. “
00000
The therapy sessions made me feel better, but that didn’t stop me from avoiding Tom.
My voice mail was full of his messages:”Christina pickup.”, “Christina, we need to talk.”, “Christina.”
I felt awful at first, but over time I knew it was for the best. I was saving him- does that sound fucked up, or what? What girl would want to save some gorgeous guy from herself? Oh, right. A crazy, anal retentive one. I won the lottery of insane traits. Fictional God really fucked me over this time. I must have run over a cart of nuns in a past life.
0000000000
The thing about being Bipolar is I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I always view an episode as an “it.” The fabled monster under the bed, you could say. I live in this sort of anxiety that it will come again, and my life will be in shambles, again. And I’ll have to pick it up the pieces, again. I know it’s been building steam, biding it’s time before it makes an appearance, and now that it’s finally come- I’m still shocked. There were the signs: not eating and avoidance. But, when I took all those pills, god, when I took them- that’s when I knew. It returned.
I sighed, and got out of my bed. I did my morning ritual: brush teeth, make coffee, consume coffee, eat oatmeal, consume more coffee, and get ready for work.
It was summer time, and I was still working at that fancy bistro downtown. Older gentleman still invited me out for drinks after my shifts, and sometimes I considered it. It got, ah, not lonely- it got rather boring after awhile. I don’t get to hang around Colin much. He’s playing Momdad to, and I just don’t want to get involved. They are a family. My family is as nutty as ever. Billy visits Grandma Cheryl with me on occasion. She keeps asking about Tom. I told her he’s not my boyfriend, and we are not acquainted. That only made her more determined to find out why we aren’t together.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
The more I tell my mind to do something, to try to convince myself, the more my emotions rebel against it. It’s like when someone tells you not to look, and you look anyway. It’s a reflex to do the opposite. That’s what my mind and emotions are doing now. My mind is telling me it’s only logical to focus on the present, to let go of the past, yet, my emotions are all for holding on. Does that make sense? I can’t dwell on it now; work is in ten.
00000
“Hey, sugar. How about the grilled chicken and your number?”
“Coming right up. And suffer, baby.” I said taking my regular’s order.
He laughed with his buddies (who were actually really nice) “Good one, Christina!”
I let out a small smile. Life isn’t that bad, I thought.
000000
“My turn.” I told him.
“Shoot.” He said, grabbing a strawberry from my pancake.
“Hey!” he smiled “Worse memory.”
“You mean all of them that didn’t involve you?”
“So sweet of you. But, you’re changing the topic.”I told him, shaking my head.
“12. Parents died in a car accident. Want more coffee?” Tom said blasé’ like.
It got awkward for a few moments.
“I’m sorry.” I told him, grabbing his hand.
“It’s okay. Everyone has to die sometime. My parents died earlier than expected. It doesn’t matter. I hardly saw them anyway. “At this he shrugged .I didn’t know if it was because he was trying to be the Strong and Silent type or something else.
“Why are you sharing this with me?” I questioned him.
“Because you asked.”
000000
I was slowing withdrawing. I wouldn’t answer Colin’s calls, or accept his invitations to go out. I just didn’t feel like it. It wasn’t like I was depressed and wanted to sleep all day. It’s just I’d rather be by myself. There was so much organizing I could do, and lists. I made so many lists. I made lists on what to do with my life, lists of pros and cons to socialize, lists for everything; important or unimportant. I was so stuck on inane projects such as organization and drawing up plans for a distant future, I was forgetting my friends. I couldn’t explain it. It was like I didn’t want them to bother me. Maybe I was becoming that lonely lady with cats at 20, without the cats.
00000
“My turn. When was the last time you were in love?” I asked.
“Pass.”
“You realize you lose, and at a later date I get to ask you whatever I want and you have to do it?” I frowned slightly. I wanted to know the answer.
“Okay.”
That was the last question I asked, now weeks ago, and I still wanted the answer.

Truth:Chapter 12

Truth:Chapter 12
“Thank God” a tall man came running into the waiting room “Char, is she okay?”
“Yes, Colin. She’s fine. They pumped her stomach and made her take charcoal” Char said tiredly.
“Tom, I’m so glad you’re here! Were you the one that found her?”
“No, Char did.” I knew I sounded bitter. I should have been relieved, he found her so soon. But, she was with me first- I should have known.
The doctor came to greet us. We were all nervous at what he had to say.
“Hello. You guys are Christina Watson’s friends, right?”
“Yes.” I replied easily.
“She’s just fine. However, she’s not safe living by herself. She needs constant supervision. Will someone like to volunteer?”
“I will” I offered, without thinking. She’s my best friend, I’ll do anything for her.
The guys looked at me and nodded.
“Great. I’ll just get the paper work.” The doctor said and walked off.
0000
“Tom. Can I speak to you for a minute?” Colin asked. No, more like cornered me.
“Yeah?” I said, distracted with the mountain of forms I had to fill out.
“I know you have feelings for Christina, and I don’t blame you. If I wasn’t gay, I would too.But, she’s in a fragile position. And I doubt, even in her condition, she wants you playing Prince Charming and trying to save her. As cute and adorable as she is, that girl is strong. She has a past, and if she shares it with you- good. But, if she doesn’t, don’t push it. That’s why she is like the way she is- it is probably the reason she overdosed. You’re in love with her- don’t break her. Don’t smother her. She’s not the same girl she was a year ago. She’s flawed, and the sad part is; she doesn’t realize it. What I’m saying is, take care of her. But, for God sake’s, don’t treat her like a doll. That will just push her away. You follow me?” Colin looked at me.
“I follow you.”
0000
“This is it” Tom gestured to his small, tidy apartment.
“Hmn, it’s workable. Where am I going to sleep?” I asked him.
“Over here.” He then led me to a medium size room. It was bare, except for a drawing of a sunset. It was pretty nice.
“Who made the picture?”
He scratched his head. “I used to paint. Anyway, the room isn’t much. But, there is a dresser and a decent closet.”
“Okay.” I said.
“Are you hungry?”
“No, but I want coffee.” I told him, already walking to the kitchen.
“The doctor said you can’t have too much caffeine.”
I glared”Unless you want me to cut your balls off, I’m getting my goddamn coffee.”
He backed away.
To ease the awkward silence, I decided we should play ‘Truth’
It was, after all, our thing.
“When was your time?” I asked, taking a seat in the kitchen.
“What?” he sputtered.
“Your first time? Sex. Intercourse. Itchi Itchi Bang Bang.” I laughed.
“15. Drunk. Don’t know her name.”
“How romantic.” I muttered. “Your turn.”
“Your first time? What was it like?” Tom asked, smirking.
“17. Colin. We were going out for six months. He bought me a gold heart charm.”
“Colin? As in Colin Zim? Gay?” He laughed.
“How many gay Colin’s do you know?” I glared. I didn’t appreciate him judging me when he fucked some trollop when he was practically a child.
“Point taken. Pancakes?” He said already taking out the mix.
“Sure.”
000000000
“Why did you do it, Christina?” Dr. Maynes asked.”
For the first time, I was completely honest with her.
“I was angry at my sister. I was sad at the situation. I wanted to prove something- I knew it was stupid, even in all my manic rage, but I wanted to do something reckless, to live. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. I just had something to prove. It’s that simple.”
“Don’t you think there are more constructive ways to deal with your pain; instead of trying to kill yourself?”
I laughed bitterly to myself. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. God, why does everyone think that? It was about me being in control- it’s fucked up. But, I thought, in my sick point of view at the time, that I could be in control of the situation, by taking those pills, by showing people what I can handle.I didn’t know that I could have died.” I took a pause. “Colin, Char, Tony and Tom don’t know about it either. I told the doctor in charge not to tell them.”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“I don’t want them to worry.”
“Christina,” Dr. Maynes said slowly.”You overdosed, even if they didn’t know you seriously could have died- the thought has crossed their mind. They care about you. You have to tell them.”
“Oh, that’s right. We’ll all have pizza. “I scowled”Hey, guys. Remember last weekend? When I took all those pills? If Char came 5 minutes later, I would have died. Pass the diet coke, please.”
“You can joke all you want. It doesn’t change what you did- or the repercussions towards your actions. You must take responsibility. One of them, is telling your friends the truth what happened last weekend. You can’t hide anymore.”
I looked at her. I can’t believe she was the fun therapist; but I knew she was right. I had to tell them.
000
I told Char what happened last weekend, and all he wanted to was hug me.
“Christina.” He murmured into my hair. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m getting my degree in a few years, and I’ll seriously sue you for emotional distress.”
Colin and Tony were a bit harder to tell. Colin was in hysterics, with Tony trying to calm him down;Timmy wasn’t paying attention because his show was on.
“Christina Watson! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!”Colin screeched.
“Calm down.” Tony tried to soothe his boyfriend.
“Colin, I’m the one who did it to myself. I’m the one to blame. Colin- Colin.”
It took an hour to calm him down, and for me to finally leave.
Tom was next.
I knocked on his apartment door. Don’t answer, don’t answer. I thought.
He opened the door.
“Christina, come in.” Tom said. “Sorry, the place is such a mess.”
His apartment, of course, wasn’t a mess.
He was a lot like me in the cleanliness department. Everything had its place. Same with his life; Greg and Me were separated parts in his life. We didn’t mix. We- don’t start, I thought. This isn’t the time- and this isn’t what its about.
“Coffee?” he asked.
I smiled.”Do you even have to ask?”
We sat in silence while we drank our coffee. Mine:milk, 2 sugars. His:Black
“I know you almost died. God, Christina, why did you do it?” he pulled his blonde hair in frustration. “Char told me about it. Fucking perfect Char- whom you always seem to blow me off for. “
“Tom, quit. You know its nothing like that. You’re my best friend. Char is just a friend.”
“But, is he? “ Tom got this fierce look in his eye, like he was challenging me.
“Yes. That’s all we are. Friends.”
He didn’t seem satisfied.
“You…frustrate me. Don’t you see what you do to me? I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about you- I can’t”
In that moment, I did what was on the back of my mind for months- I kissed him.
And he kissed me back.

Truth:Chapter 11

“Tell me, again. Why we are going to visit your Uncle Jim? He hates me!” Tom said.
“He doesn’t hate you.” I said calmly, buckling my seatbelt.
“He threw a dinner roll at me.”
“It’s his way of welcoming you to the family.”
Tom looked at me in that way that he always does.
“Right.”
“It s should take about 6 hours to get there.” I calculated.
“We live in New York,they in Maine. Its more like 9 hours.”
“Smart ass.”
“Just for you, darling. “ there was a pause.”You need to stop making me watch those black and white movies.”
“Why? You are just like James Dean! All Suave and Debonair
”Uh huh. You hungry?” he asked.
“No. I just ate.” Of course, I didn’t. But, right now I couldn’t stomach food- it just seemed a waste for my body.
He shrugged.”Okay.”
0000
“Stop here!”I exclaimed. I needed a coffee fix.
“Ah, two hours without coffee. How did I know?”
We stopped at this place called “Coffee Jungle.”
“Hello,” a stunning blonde greeted us, immediately eyeing Tom”Welcome, have a seat anywhere.”
On whim I grabbed Tom’s hand, it was rough, yet smooth at the same time. He gave me a confused look.
“Let’s go, pet.”
When we were seated, the first thing he said was ”Pet? That sounds pedophilic.”
“Shut up. “

“Make me.”
I grabbed a spoon mixer and flicked it to his head.
“Damn, Chris. I didn’t mean literally. Good aim. For a girl.”
“What? There is such a thing as WNBA, you know? There is-“
“Oh, here goes your man-hating, non-shaving, burn-bra, feminist rant.” He sighed
“What does pointing out blatant chauvinist turn into feminism? I mean it is- but there is such a negative condensation to it. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent woman. I am, or I try to be.”
“Of course.” I knew that Tom was trying to change the subject, but I kept going because I liked him flustered. It was a little cute actually.
“Not to mention, when a woman wants something in life, and goes about it just as ruthlessly as a man, she is considered a bitch.But, if a man does it- he’s The Man. It’s such a double standard.
“Your coffees are done.” Said the elderly woman, apparently the blonde twit got mad and left. Okay, she was on break. “My, ya’ll are a cute couple. How long have you been going out.”
“Oh, we” I started
“A year.” Tom finished for me.
The older women left us with our coffee.
“Tom Dugrey.” I started. “Why did you say we are going out.”
He shrugged, taking a bite out of his bagel.
“There must be a reason.”
“God, Christina, it’s just a joke.”
“Oh, so going out with me is a joke? My, that wounds me. My heart is breaking.” I hid a smile.
“ Another topic for your therapist, Neurotic.”
“You love it.”
“I love you.” He coughed.
“What did you say?”
“I mean, you’re my best friend. Of course, I love you! Don’t you love me?”
“In a matey-mate way, of course.”
“See. Misunderstanding cleared.”
00000
“Ooh, my song.”
“Please, don’t sing! My ears can take only so much.”
I glared.
“Sorry, I forgot you have feelings.”
“Tom, honestly, you are such a prat.”
“It comes with the good looks, doll.”
“Haha, 30s lingo!”
“Damn you! I’m never letting you make me watch black and white movies again.”
“You will. You can’t resist my smile. It’s perfect- the angels above blessed it. The stars wink, butterflies flock to me-“
“It’s chipped- hillbillesque.”
I gasped. I grabbed my coffee mug and threw it at him.”It’s adorable! You giant asshole! “
“I’m sorry, it is adorable. “
“You’re just saying that because I have a deadly weapon.”
“I hardly think a coffee mug is a deadly weapon.”
I moved to throw it at him again.
He raised his arm up in defeat.
That’s right. I wear the pants.
00000

“Christina! Wake up! We are at the Day’s Inn.” Tom shook me awake.
“Ugh.” I said groggily.”Are you sure?”
“Well, there is a building with a sign saying ‘Day’s Inn’ on it. So, I’m pretty sure this is it.”
“Smart ass.”
“Comes with the territory.”
“Pray to the imaginary Lord that territory is in a secluded area.” I mumbled.
“I heard that.” Tom said, grabbing our bags from the trunk.
“You always do.Prat.”
“Heard that too.”
0000
“You should shower , first.” I told him.
“Do I stink?”
“No, but I’ll take all the hot water.”
“Point taken.”
15 minutes later, Tom came in with only his boxers. They were green silk. How cliché.
When I saw him, I burst into giggles.
“What are you laughing at? I have a nice body!” he defended.
“Let’s see if you pass the test.” I walked over to him
“Hmmn, “ I touched his stomach”One, two, three, four abs. Passable. Turn around. Hmmn, back. Passable. “
I turned away, but he grabbed me close to him.
“So, did I pass?”
“Just barely.”
“Let me inspect you then.” He smirked.
“Why! I am a good girl! A lady. Dare I say it, are you trying to take advantage of me?”
We laughed.
0000
“Christina!” my Uncle Jim deep voice boomed”and you brought your friend Tom.”
“Yes, Uncle. I told you on the phone, remember?”
“Yes,that’s right. Come in. Your Aunt Helda wants to show you her new cat”Uncle Jim said”crazy furball -have been trying to run over the damn thing for days.”
Tom rose an eyebrow to me.
“Shut up.”I told him.
“Christina! You brought your boyfriend, Tom. How wonderful! Meet the new baby, Crooks. Isn’t she adorable?” My Aunt Helda then shoved the orange tabby cat into Tom’s arms.
“Oh, he’s not my-“
“When’s dinner?” a portly man interrupted.
“Billy!” I exclaimed and ran over to hug my favorite cousin.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Not doing so well. The baby didn’t make it. Doctors said there is something wrong with my ovaries.” Billy smiled.
“Billy,you been using your man-pregnancy excuse for years. Besides, men don’t have ovaries.”
“It worked for that other guy.” Billy defended.
“Who used to be a woman.” Tom said from across the room.
“Who are you?” Billy asked “I like him. He can keep up.”
“This, “ I said, pulling Tom over”is my best friend, Tom Dugrey. Tom, this is my favorite cousin Billy Watson.”
“Nice to meet you,man.” Tom shook his hand.
“Same here. MOM. When are we going to eat!” Billy yelled.
“I don’t know. When are you getting a girlfriend and give me grandchildren?” Aunt Helda called out from the kitchen.
A half hour later, the food was done and we were all seated at the dining room table.
“Tom, what are you studying at the university?” my Uncle Jim asked.
“I’m a junior, studying premed.” Tom replied.
“ Very ambitious.” Uncle Jim concluded
There was a silence for a moment, until Billy burped.
“Billy, you disgusting child, how many times do I have to tell you not at the dinner table!” Aunt Helda scolded harshly but with laughter in her eyes.
“Sorry, Mom. I’ll face the wall tonight, and promise to eat all my vegetables.” Billy said solemnly.
“That hardly counts.” I said.”Since we are eating spaghetti”
Billy tried to kick me under the table, but missed.
“And now you are not allowed dessert, because you kicked your poor mother in the shins” Aunt Helda told Billy, who looked scandalized at the loss of dessert.
I stuck my tongue out .
I still wear the pants.
0000000
“Who are you texting?” I asked Christina.
“Char. He’s asking when I’m coming home tonight, so we can grab dinner.”
Oh. Asshole.
“Why?” She looked up, curious.
“No, reason.”
“Oh, I know why!”
“Why.”
“You sa-woon when you see him!” she started. I braced myself for a lunatic rant she tries to pass off as a ‘reasonable argument’ “You get that look in your eye, like a boy in the playground, a dog ready to hump a lamp post-“
“A lamp post?”
“A gay crush is the word I’m looking for!” She said ignoring me.
“Right. I have a gay crush on that pansy Char? That will happen when a woman becomes president.” Ha.I touched a sore spot.
She waited a few minutes, before she responded.
“Hilary Clinton was a strong contender! Look at all her accomplishments. She endorsed bills to 'extend period of unemployment assistance to victims of 9/11', 'pay for city projects in response to 9/11', 'assist landmine victims in other countries', 'assist family caregivers in accessing affordable respite care' and 'Designate part of the National Forest System in Puerto Rico as protected in the Wilderness Preservation System'.”
“You wiki’d that. I see it on your phone!” I told her.
“So? What do you think I am, a genius?”
I scoffed “Certainly not.”
Christina made a move to throw the coffee mug at me.
“But, you are pretty.” I reassured her.
She smiled, and dropped the mug.
That’s right. I wear the pants.
0000
When I got home, I was contemplating the wedding invitation I received from Serena in the mail a few days ago. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Mostly, because I didn’t think it was true.
Sighing, I went to the kitchen to make coffee. It was then I saw another letter from Serena.
“Christina, it appears that you were sent an invitation to my wedding by accident. Be assured, you are not invited. Seeing you again after four years, reminded me how much I enjoyed the lack of your presence. Don’t bother replying. You’re not a sister of mine, never were really. This is the last form of communication, I will ever send”
Serena”
I dropped the letter. Suddenly, I remember Serena making fun of me in front of her friend; Serena lying about me to our parents; Serena sending me…to that place, Serena-
In an eerily calm way, I looked at the pills on top of the fridge.
Lamictal, Invega, Prozac, Tomapax. They are just chemicals mixed together in a little tablet.
These pills, miracle drugs, are supposed to make me feel better, make me sane.
And I wanted to prove something- it’s stupid, and made sense at the time, but I wanted to prove that I can get better by myself, by taking these pills- without anyone telling me to, by me doing it myself.
As if in rage, or sadness, I don’t know- I grabbed the pills from the medicine cabinet on top of the fridge, and swallowed. 10. 15. 20.
My heart didn’t slow down or anything. It just felt like my vision was hazy. My legs wouldn’t move. I laid down. Everything was numb…what.
Someone knocked on the door, but I couldn’t get up to answer it. I hear someone open it and-
“Shit.” A manly voice said. And then I promptly passed out.

Truth:Chapter 10

Truth:Chapter 10
Colin was noticing me withdrawing. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I was living in my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. It was much more preferable than real life. Don’t get me wrong, things were going well in my life. Colin and Tony were a steady couple and they made sure I kept sane, Timmy brought a few laughs; I was back in school- doing quite well in school actually. Yet, the smile didn’t reach my eyes. When I laughed, it felt hoarse, rehearsed- as if I was just doing it on cue, not because I was enjoying the moment.

I was still seeing Char. He was a sweet guy. He was into photography and nature, so he took photos of me all the time. “You’re beautiful in the sunset, do you mind?” We would take hiking excursions on Sunday Mornings; he’ll tell me everything about myself; assuming I did the same. Of course, I didn’t. We didn’t play “Truth” That was exclusive between me and Tom. I haven’t seen him in weeks now.
I learned when two people are that angry, that hurt, it makes a difference who apologizes first.
I get flashbacks of our time together.
“It’s my turn.” Tom said, after t taking a long sip of his coffee
“Shoot.”
“What was your first kiss like?”
“Sweet. It was on the playground in fourth grade. This boy, Billy, cliché as it sounds, always used to pull my pigtails. One day this other boy did the same thing, and he just pushed him and kissed me, in front of everyone.”
Tom leaned in, “So, it went-
I never got to hear the rest because my cell phone rang; I wonder what would have happened.

0000000
“You don’t talk about Tom, anymore? Any reason?” Dr.Maynes asked.
“We had a falling out.” I shrugged. I didn’t like to think about him, much. He’s still my best friend, and knowing I was the cause of us not talking, upset me. But, I didn’t tell her that.
“How do you feel about that?”
“Fine, just fine.” I replied.
Speak, I thought, speak.
Colin moved out a few weeks later.
“Hun, I want to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Me and Tony are just a few blocks away, you have the spare key in case of emergencies, okay?” Colin checked, pacing around nervously. I overheard him talking to Tony, he didn’t want to leave me alone because of my “fragile condition.” Please, I’m not a damsel.
“You are in order with everything: cleaning, cooking, organizing…I never thought someone could be too organized.” He muttered “Anal retentive”
“Colin, I’ll be fine.” I assured him.
He gave me a disbelieving look.
“Okay, if you feel lonely, I posted a few names on the fridge-you might be able to stand enough, to be roommates. “ He was going to say more, but gathered me in his arms.
“I’m going to miss you, hun.” He whispered into my hair.
“Me too, Colin.”
I wasn’t much into tearful goodbyes, but even I was crying. My best friend was leaving without me. He was practically Momdad to Timmy. I couldn’t help, but feel a little resentful. He was mine, first.
000000
It was pouring outside. I mean Noah’s arc standards. I was grabbing bread for the low-fat pasta I was making, at the farmers marker. It was a typical day. That is until I saw him. It has been four months since we got into that confrontation.
We were crossing the same streets. He didn’t see me, until my tote with my bread spilled in front of him.
“Christina?” he raised his voice from the pouring rain.
I stared dumbly at him. This was the man whose number my hands were always trying to call; the man I thought of when there was nothing else on my mind; my best friend.
“Christina?” he repeated. “We should get out of here. My car is at the corner. Let’s grab dinner.”
When we reached the car, Tom put the heater all the way on. “Don’t worry, the place we’re going to is a 45 minute drive. We’ll have plenty of time to dry off. We’re meeting my friend’s fiancé, Serena.”
My hands paused on the seatbelt. Serena? I thought. Surely, not my sister whom I haven’t seen in 3 years- the one who…no, I stopped myself. Don’t think about that.
It was a surprisingly comfortable silence.
“How have you been?” I asked.
“Oh, school has been keeping up my time. Been hanging around with Greg mostly. You?”
“School is pretty tiring for me as well. Oh, Colin moved in with Tony and Timmy. “
“Seeing anyone?” he asked
“Char. You know, the delivery guy from that night? He’s studying law.”
Tom swerved the car a little; which is unusual because normally he is a very cautious driver.
“You?” Please say no, Please say no.
“A few actually. Just looking at my options.”
“Oh.” It was all I could say.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was escape that car.

00000
“We’re here.” Tom announced, unbuckling his seatbelt.
It was a nice place; the restaurant over-looked like a cottage by the seaside.
Tom went to the other side to let me out.
“Always the gentleman.” I smiled and took his hand.
It was nothing like Char, his was rough, a wrestler hand.
My thoughts were interrupted when I saw the girl in Tom’s friend’s hand.
Flashback
Mother was in her closet, laying down. I went to shake her.
“Mother.” No response. “Mother!”
At this point, I was scared and called my older sister, Serena.
“SERENA! MOTHER ISN’T MOVING!”
Serena walked in silently, smoking a cigarette. “It’s your fault, you know.”
“My fault?” I asked.
“Why she killed herself. She sad she couldn’t handle the stress- and having a crazy daughter can do that to do. I called the police. They should be taking you away. “
“Serena! Please, don’t” I started crying.”Please.”
0000
“Christina, my, it has been a long time.” At this my sister smiled, and flicked back her straight, blonde hair; so unlike my brown, unruly curls.
“Almost four years, actually.” I said demurely.
The thing about girls like Serena, is they play mind games. Upfront bickering is considered a lost.
We were seated near the window.
Tom and his friend, Jacob made small talk about what med school they wanted to get into; leaving me to fend off Serena by myself.
“Christina, you’re in college, correct?” my sister asked
“I am. I’m studying journalism and advertising.”
“Oh.” She said.
“Christina is really talented.” Tom came to my aide.
I smiled at him and mouthed “Thank you.”
“It’s remarkable what you are doing considering you were in a mental asylum a few years prior.” My sister said calmly.
My hands started to shake- no one but my therapists knew that, not even Colin.
“Honey, this isn’t the time.” Jacob started.
“I’m merely saying she’s grown into such a lovely lady from the royal pain in the ass she was when mother died. It was her fault you know.” At this point, the other patrons in the restaurants stared.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“Well, Serena, seeing as you’re the picture of sanity. I’d like to thank you for sending me away, to save myself from being a frigid bitch like yourself. Another thing, it was never my fault mother killed herself, and to blame me was childish and cruel. Have fun burning in hell.” I breathed an angry breath. “Are you ready, Tom?”
Tom wiped his mouth on his napkin, took my hand and we left the table.
00000
It was silent in the car for a few minutes.
“Your sister is a bitch.” Tom said simply
“That, she is. She’s always been like that. Ever since we were little.” I started.
There’s always that sink in your stomach, when you let someone in, even just a little bit.
“Really? Why?”
“She always wanted to be the best, the favorite, and when I was born, she wasn’t. She took her rage out on me in everything; when she didn’t do well on a test, when a boy scorned her- on anything really. It was the same thing when I became…bipolar. My parents and grandparents were supportive, ‘Oh, you’re not crazy, sweetie.’ But, Serena, god, she used it as leverage- like it was my fault, like it was somehow proof that she was better than me. Then, when my mother killed herself, she said it was my fault- because she ‘couldn’t handle a crazy daughter.’ It hurt, but countless therapy sessions later; I realized I’m stronger than her. She can’t handle the pain, so she pinpoints it to other people- innocent people. I handle it- I take the shit, and bare you know? In myth, like Jesus bares the fucking cross, you know? Does that make sense?” I sighed, suddenly tired.
He nodded. “Perfect sense.”
0000
I dialed Tom’s number
“Channel 64 They are doing infomercials about…” I said
“This ingenious coffee maker. I’m watching it right now.”
“I need to get that shit.” I mumbled
“You’re drinking coffee, aren’t you?”
“It’s 4 am, and I have work at 8. How am I supposed to function?”
“Uh, sleep.” Tom said like it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Sleep is for the weak. Consuming coffee should be an Olympic Sport. Oh, the dreamy guy is on.”
“He’s like 50 years old..”
“Still dreamy.”
“Go to sleep, Christina.”
“But I don’t wanna. There are monsters in the closet! Oh, and my cat won’t get up from my lap.”
“You have a cat?”
“I have to give in to the lonely old lady stereotype?”
“You’re 21.”
“Ah, youth escapes me !This coffee machine is the Porsche of all coffee machines. “ I stated, in awe.
“I have my credit card right here.”
“Would you really?” I asked.
“If it gets you to shut up, yes.”
He put me on hold for a few moments.
“Got it. You should be expecting it in 3-5 business days.”Tom told me when he got on the phone
“Did I ever tell you you’re my hero- you’re the wing beneath.”
“Oh,god.”
“Tom!” I exclaimed, almost drunk from lack of sleep. “I have a voice of an angel.
“From hell.”
“I’m insulted.”
“And so are all the choirs in the city. Christina? Great. You fell asleep on me again.”
000000
“Char.” I started.
We were talking a walk in the park.
“We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. I haven’t met your friends. Tom despises you. My cat uses you as a scratching post- but you are cute, and make me smile when I’m having a bad day.”
“You’re right. We aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. But, you bring the childhood boy in me with your odd quirks- and leave me smiling in a middle of our kiss. What does that make us? Friends with benefits?”
I shook my head.”No, that would mean I’m some sort of harlot! I think we are friends that like to make each other laugh and occasionally kiss. Aha. Perfect way to describe us!”
Char then tried to hold my hand.
“I didn’t put hand-holding in the description.” He gave me those brown eyes puppy dog look”and if I wanted to look at puppy dog eyes, I would adopt a pet.”
“Ah, my sweet, you are too cruel.” He put his arm around my shoulder in a friendly manner and we walked towards the sun.
00000
“Colin?”
“Yeah, hun?”
“What do you think of this dress? It’s yellow, and that usually washes out my skin.”
“I would go with the red. It looks good with your skin tone, and hair.”
“Thanks for your Gay Man Opinion. Hmn, I wonder where Tom is taking me to dinner at.” I murmured.
“Probably to profess his undying love for you. “Tony put in from painting his nails(“beige-all natural, but elegant)
“Now, stop. He’s not in love with me.”
Colin and Tony exchanged a look.
00000
“ How’s the chicken?” Tom asked.
“Remarkable. The steak?”
“Fantastic.”
“Are you still seeing those girls? The “Other options.” I laughed at this, it seemed so unlike Tom.
“No, I know who I want now.” He looked at me in that way he always does.
I cut my meat into twos, then into threes, then into fours. I know, anal retentive.
“Who?”
“She’s about 5’4, brown, curly hair, neurotic, anal retentive- definitely, adorable, cute, yet frustrating, she gets on my nerves virtually every other day, she’s-“
“This isn’t about that girl in Annie Hall, right? Because she’s not real.”
Tom sighed. “You really don’t have a clue, do you?”
The waiter came “Check?”
00000
“You seem sad today, Christina. Is anything troubling you?” Dr. Maynes asked
How about Tom not talking to me? Or that I’m hearing things in the shower- are the voices? Flash backs.
“I’m just not feeling well,is all.”
“I see. How are your medicines. Are you eating?”
“Yes.” No
“I see.”
“What do you want to accomplish in this therapy session?”
She asks this every month- as a way to sum up my “progress” or some other psycho-bullshit.
“I want to get better.”
It’s a generic excuse, but she buys it.
And that’s all I want- to get better.
But how?

Truth:Chapter 9

I looked at myself in the mirror. Plain, I thought. I’m not self-absorbed to think the extremes of ugly or pretty. That just seems silly. It’s like you have to be either, or, to accept yourself. No, I’m just plain. I lifted up my shirt to examine my body.Ribs.Oh, god.They are right. I am too thin.
Sighing, I went on my way to do my normal morning routine. When I got dressed, and reached the kitchen a pot of coffee was already waiting for me.
“Ah, Colin.”I said sleepily.”Thanks for making the coffee.”
He smiled, and poured me a cup.
“Hungry?”He said, turning his back on me; almost as if I would already say no.
“Yes, I am actually.”
We looked at each other in that way only best friends can, that dawn of understanding- that things are going to change.
“You look better.” Dr. Maynes stated.
“Thank you,” I responded.”I feel better.”
“Cognitive therapy is working for, then?”
“I think so, yes.”
“Colin Zim said you occasionally have nightmares. May I ask what about?”
Losing my mind? Going back to that place? My mother dying? My sister…
“No, I’m fine.”
“Very well.”
“Are your relationships going well?”
“Yes. Colin is accusing me of being an anal retentive.”
Dr.Maynes laughed. “Is it your organization, or OCD tendencies that triggered the comment?”
“Both actually.”
“Hey, Tom.”
“Hey, Come in.” he motioned me into his apartment.
I hung up my coat on the rack, and couldn’t help but notice several other women’s coats.
I stared for a moment.
“Christina? I got Everything’s is Illuminated and-“
“Yeah, that’s fine. Can I have a glass of water?”
He gave me that funny look he always gives me, and walked to the kitchen to grab me a drink.
“That’s the delivery guy. I hope he got that veggie dish I asked for…they always forget.” I told Tom, grabbing the money for him.
When I opened the door, I saw the most gorgeous man I’ve ever see. I admit, I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by beautiful men; Colin, Tom, Tony- but they were just friends.
“Hi, Dugrey?” he looked up and smiled.
“I’m Char.” He smiled. He has a chipped front tooth. It was cute.
“Christina.” I said, smiling back.
We talked for a few minutes, until we were interrupted by Tom’s call.
“Chris? Is the delivery guy here?” Tom walked to the front entrance. “Oh.”

Funny. It felt like tension was in the air- oh; maybe it was when I was Tom and Char sizing each other up.
“I’m Char.” He said, trying to ease the awkwardness.
“And I don’t care. Give us our food and leave.”
“Tom. “I warned.
“Its okay, Christina. You still have my number, right? Call me, later.” Before he left, Char leaned down (I’m 5’4, he’s at least 6’1) to give me a kiss on the cheek.
I closed the door.
000000
I met up with Char at Coffee Blues; he bought me a coffee(okay two) and we were sharing a crispy crumpet.
“Favorite color?”
We were trying to guess each other answers.
“Green as your eyes, like a pickled toad.” Char said.
“Ah, a Harry Potter reference! You get a cookie for that one.” I smiled.
“How about a kiss?”
“Ah, but a lady doesn’t kiss on a first date- especially a coffee meeting. Unless, of course, it’s raining.”
He smiled cheekily .”What if I said, I wished on the stars for you?”
“I’d say you’re full of shit.”
“What if I said- you’re my one and only?”
“I’d say, a tired line and that’s all you could come up with? Hmmn, have you heard of a game.”
At this moment, Tom grabbed my arm.
“Christina, we need to talk. Now.” Tom said furiously
“WHAT is your problem,?”I demanded putting my hands on my hips.
He stood up, “You.”
“May I ask, how am I your problem?”
“You flirting with that idiot make you happy for a moment when -Everyone is trying to help you, and you just won’t give. You hide behind your ‘I’m fine, just fine’. And it takes some stranger, instead of your best friends to make you feel better- some idiot to makes you smile like that, when I have been trying for months? It’s annoying. Why-
Ouch
“I can flirt with whomever I choose to. That’s unfair to Char- he’s not an idiot. Why are you being like this? You do make me smile. You’re my best friend, Tom. What’s annoying?”
“You’re annoying. I can’t stand you being a zombie anymore. Hiding behind your “fine, just fine.” When are you going to be the Christina I met a year ago…”
“ If I’m so annoying, why don’t you leave Tom? God, everyone knows you have other options. What hope do you have hanging with a neurotic, and two homosexuals with a kid? From now on, you’re nothing to me- if all I am is an annoyance. Good bye, Tom.”
When I looked at him, I knew he was hurt. I was so angry, I didn’t care. I wanted to hurt him.
Now, the only thing left to do was to leave. I knew when we next saw each other, assuming we ever did, things would never be the same. We may never be the same. Hell, we might not be friends. I knew this, but at that moment, all I wanted was for him to feel the hurt, I haven’t been feeling- because the intensity of his hurt, equal the intensity of my numbness. Few things felt right anymore.
A few days later, I learned nothing felt right without Him

Truth:Chapter 8

Truth: Chapter 8
I was back in the therapy office again, twice a week, Monday and Thursday, 2 pm for half an hour.
This session is about “my past” Drivel.
“Christina, what were you like as a child?”
“Normally, I would say ask my parents, but seeing as they are all dead…”
He was struggling not to laugh.
“What, in your perspective, were you like as a child?”
“Odd.” I replied.
“How so?”
“I wasn’t into dolls, or tea parties like my sister, and I didn’t want to play with the boys either. I read, watch AMC with my mother and learned about politics from my father. “
“So, do you think you weren’t like other girls?”
“There is no thinking about it. I know I wasn’t. “
“Ah, I see. What’s your relationship with your sister?”
If he asked me this when I was a teenager, it would take up the whole session- how much I hated her, why she was such a bitch etc.
“We don’t get along.”
“Why is that?”
Because she’s a vindictive bitch.
“We don’t agree on things.”
“I see. What about your cousins? There are several your age; how do you get along with them?”
They, too, are bitches.
“I never saw them much.”
“Yes- and how is…”
*
“That session was brutal!” I complained to Colin on our way home.
“If you didn’t-“
“Try to off myself like some silly twat- I wouldn’t have to go! I know, I know!”
I muttered mean things about Colin, which he heard, because he always hears them.
He sighed.”Christina, darling, insulting me under your breath won’t change the fact that you have to go to therapy, or take your medicine- you’re bipolar.” He shook his finger “Not uh, uh, and uh. You know you are- you had episodes in the past.”
I blinked
“Honey, there is nothing wrong with being bipolar- I still love you. Who cares if your bitch sister Serena thinks you’re crazy? You know your parents loved you more, right? They gave you 80% of everything- and her 20? “
We laughed bitterly at this.
“That’s because we got her at the zoo.”
“She is, after all, proof evolution is true.” Colin said overly academic like
“That and her beastly attitude make her…”
It went on like that until the way home.
To my surprise, Tony was there with his boy, Timmy.
“Hi, Timmy!” I said, trying to be cheerful.
I hate children, and Colin knows this, hence him trying not to laugh.
“Sorry, Christina, I was just stopping by and thought I would say hello! Say hello, Timmy!”
Timmy raised his stubby arms and waved
He looked like a miniature seal.
“Would you like to come in for coffee?” Colin asked.
Tony looked at how well-dressed Colin was- and did that “manly man judging stare” me and Colin coined
It’s basically when an ignorant, straight man looks at a queer and knows he’s gay- and doesn’t accept it.
Tony, surprisingly, wasn’t one of those people (ha, got you!)
“I know you, man. You went out with my cousin, Ryan.” Tony said and shook Colin’s hand “He was such an ass for breaking up with you like that- the whole family thought so. You were good to him.”

“Christina, how are you today? Are your meds working?”
Other than the fact, it makes me feel like a loon taking them- yes, it does.
“Yeah, it does.” I said.
He flipped a sheet on his profile of me (no doubt saying shrink like things like “patient seems nervous today; patient continuously longing for the past)
“How is Tom?”
“He’s fine, I guess.”
“You talk about him, often.”
“He’s important to me.”I coughed. “He’s one of my best friends.”
“From the way you describe your relationship, you guys seem more than friends. It’s very unlike the relationship between you and Colin.”
“Well,” I started, growing annoyed.”Colin is a gay male. Of course, there are going to be differences. “
“I see.”
*
“Colin! I hate this man! Get me another shrink now!” I growled putting on my seatbelt.
“Christina, he’s the best in the state.”
“He’s an asshole.”
“Yes, but-“
“It’s my money- my brain he’s picking at Colin!” I took a deep breath.”Can you please?”
He looked at me for a moment, and nodded.
*
“Welcome. I’m Dr.Maynes. I see you were practiced by Dr. Whitts, asshole that he is, probably made you even crazier. Now, now. CRAZY is not a bad word! You know that feminist movement in the 90s, right? Oh, too young? Yes, we took back the words “cunt, bitch, whore, CRAZY” Don’t take it as an insult; don’t take it as a compliment either- just acknowledge it. Oh, cute shirt by the way, girl. I would buy the same thing myself, if I wasn’t so fat” at this Dr. Maynes laughed.
She’s crazy, I thought. I like her.
“Now, one thing I don’t like about therapy is the lack of conversation- the only way I can really help you help yourself, is by truly knowing you. There is what my colleagues call “domineering conversation therapy” sessions. Basically, it’s about having a conversation, of your choice, and you talking it out, with me putting input, what I think, what’s good for your mental health. It works best with my patients because instead of the traditional therapy, you go further into the topics; I egged it on with my responses. And unlike traditional therapy, I give you details about my life. My colleagues and I always thought it was hypocritical to let the patient know nothing. Does this sound good for you?”
“Wow. Yes! That sounds wonderful! Of course.”
“Okay, Christina. Tell me about yourself. And when I say that- I mean a biography.” She laughed and I laughed with her.
“I’m Christina Watson, 19. As you read in my file, my parents died. My best friends are Colin, who is gay and living in my house; and Tom who is not gay. I read, drink too much coffee, I’m anal retentive, too blunt…and hate children.”
Dr. Maynes laughed again
“I’m Shawna Maynes, old. My parents died as well. My best fried is gay, Dom, I have a loving girlfriend Katrina, and live Downtown. I like to read, and I prefer tea over coffee. I’m unorganized; my assistant keeps everything in check. I love children.”
*
“That was great- Tony? Why are you here?”
Tony smiled, “Colin saw me and Timmy walking and invited us to have dinner. Do you mind?”
“No, not at all.” I looked at Colin confusedly. He merely shrugged in reply.
“No offence, Tony, but you are going to have to sit in the back.” Colin said.
“Why- oh.” He stopped when he caught me throwing his belongings on the floor.
I wasn’t being immature, I wasn’t. I was just helping get his stuff out of the car, FASTER.
“Thank you.” I smiled at him sweetly, which I apparently pulled off because he smiled back.
Colin put in his Broadway musical CD, and the 45 minute ride home was spent singing show tunes.
Hmmn, I don’t know any straight man that likes show tunes. Oh. Ooh.

*
“My turn.” Tom said.
“Go for it.”
“Why do you never eat anything- you’re getting thinner every time I see you.” He looked like he was struggling, and since I was in a bad mood, I made him dig deeper “You’re still beautiful, but you’re all skin and bones. Chris, what’s going on? You can tell Colin, but not me?”
I paused.
“I just don’t get that hungry is all, and I tell you everything I tell Colin.”
He raised an eyebrow.”Really- then why-“
“Ah,” I interrupted “It’s my turn. Why haven’t you gone out with anyone?”
*
“Why haven’t you gone out with anyone?” Christina asked.
Maybe, it’s because your crazy self takes up all my time? I thought, but I knew it was something deeper than that.
“I just haven’t found the right one is all.” I coughed. “My turn.”
“Go on.”
“Why haven’t you gone out with anyone?”
“Oh, you didn’t hear? Greg asked me out and I said yes!” she gushed.
“What? “ I sputtered “You can’t stand him! Ms. “He’s annoying, vapid, perverted- you’re laughing.”
“Honestly, Tom- me and Greg Pagusti?” She laughed again.
I remember what Greg said that night.”She’s not like other girls- like magic.”
“I gotta go.” I said and rushed out of Coffee Blues



*
“Mhm, great time last night. Ready again?”
I looked at the hot blonde, disgusted. I went to another frat party, and she threw herself at me; and like a dog I grabbed the bone.
“Get out.” I pointed to the door.
“Oh, I forgot.” The blonde said snidely “You’re Watson’s girl. The odd girl that everyone loves- whatever. She’s too good for you, you know? She has the two hottest guys, who cares if they are fags, at her beck and call- what does she need you for?”
“Fuck you.”
I pushed her out the door.
“You’re right.” I mumbled, and got into the shower.
*
“COLIN, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU USED ALL MY COLD CREAM!” I yelled from my bathroom
“What, dear?” he said wiping his hands on his apron.
“Don’t give me that Domestic Man look! I know how devious you are- first, you take all the hot water in the shower, then my cold cream? It was $70!”
“You’re rich!”
“That’s not the point!”
“It’s- “the phone rang “It’s for you,” he covered his mouth “Tom. He sounds drunk! “
I grabbed the phone from Colin. “Tom?”
“Christina. We” he slurred on the phone “we need to talk. Coffee blues tomorrow?”
“Okay. 11?”
“That’s fine.”
I clicked the phone and hung up.
“That was strange.”
*
“Christina, it looks like you haven’t been getting much sleep? Is that true?”
Great, Dr. Maynes is putting on her Concerned Therapist Face.
“I’ve been watching infomercials.”
“Ah, you do that often?” she asked politely.
Great, I get caught taking a few more pills and its back to “treat Christina like she’s crazy”
I miss fun Dr.Maynes.
“It helps me go to sleep.” I said.
“I see. Do you have anything on your mind?”
Other than the fact that I’m slowly losing it?
“No.”
“Okay. Let’s discuss your medicine.”
*
Grandma Cheryl was here for some “emergency meeting” about me. So, were Tony (Colin’s boyfriend, who we have all grown close to) and Tom.
“She’s not eating.” Tom said.
“She doesn’t sleep.” Colin added
Great, now they are ganging up on me.
I heard Timmy cry in the next room. I went to calm him now.
“Shah, Timmy. It’s okay. I know how you feel. You have all these words you want to say, but you can’t express yourself- it just brims up to the top and all you want to do is cry. But, instead of crying you hold it in, and in and in and-“I looked at the doorway, and saw Tom.
It was funny how he was always there right when I least expected him.