I looked at myself in the mirror. Plain, I thought. I’m not self-absorbed to think the extremes of ugly or pretty. That just seems silly. It’s like you have to be either, or, to accept yourself. No, I’m just plain. I lifted up my shirt to examine my body.Ribs.Oh, god.They are right. I am too thin.
Sighing, I went on my way to do my normal morning routine. When I got dressed, and reached the kitchen a pot of coffee was already waiting for me.
“Ah, Colin.”I said sleepily.”Thanks for making the coffee.”
He smiled, and poured me a cup.
“Hungry?”He said, turning his back on me; almost as if I would already say no.
“Yes, I am actually.”
We looked at each other in that way only best friends can, that dawn of understanding- that things are going to change.
“You look better.” Dr. Maynes stated.
“Thank you,” I responded.”I feel better.”
“Cognitive therapy is working for, then?”
“I think so, yes.”
“Colin Zim said you occasionally have nightmares. May I ask what about?”
Losing my mind? Going back to that place? My mother dying? My sister…
“No, I’m fine.”
“Very well.”
“Are your relationships going well?”
“Yes. Colin is accusing me of being an anal retentive.”
Dr.Maynes laughed. “Is it your organization, or OCD tendencies that triggered the comment?”
“Both actually.”
“Hey, Tom.”
“Hey, Come in.” he motioned me into his apartment.
I hung up my coat on the rack, and couldn’t help but notice several other women’s coats.
I stared for a moment.
“Christina? I got Everything’s is Illuminated and-“
“Yeah, that’s fine. Can I have a glass of water?”
He gave me that funny look he always gives me, and walked to the kitchen to grab me a drink.
“That’s the delivery guy. I hope he got that veggie dish I asked for…they always forget.” I told Tom, grabbing the money for him.
When I opened the door, I saw the most gorgeous man I’ve ever see. I admit, I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by beautiful men; Colin, Tom, Tony- but they were just friends.
“Hi, Dugrey?” he looked up and smiled.
“I’m Char.” He smiled. He has a chipped front tooth. It was cute.
“Christina.” I said, smiling back.
We talked for a few minutes, until we were interrupted by Tom’s call.
“Chris? Is the delivery guy here?” Tom walked to the front entrance. “Oh.”
Funny. It felt like tension was in the air- oh; maybe it was when I was Tom and Char sizing each other up.
“I’m Char.” He said, trying to ease the awkwardness.
“And I don’t care. Give us our food and leave.”
“Tom. “I warned.
“Its okay, Christina. You still have my number, right? Call me, later.” Before he left, Char leaned down (I’m 5’4, he’s at least 6’1) to give me a kiss on the cheek.
I closed the door.
000000
I met up with Char at Coffee Blues; he bought me a coffee(okay two) and we were sharing a crispy crumpet.
“Favorite color?”
We were trying to guess each other answers.
“Green as your eyes, like a pickled toad.” Char said.
“Ah, a Harry Potter reference! You get a cookie for that one.” I smiled.
“How about a kiss?”
“Ah, but a lady doesn’t kiss on a first date- especially a coffee meeting. Unless, of course, it’s raining.”
He smiled cheekily .”What if I said, I wished on the stars for you?”
“I’d say you’re full of shit.”
“What if I said- you’re my one and only?”
“I’d say, a tired line and that’s all you could come up with? Hmmn, have you heard of a game.”
At this moment, Tom grabbed my arm.
“Christina, we need to talk. Now.” Tom said furiously
“WHAT is your problem,?”I demanded putting my hands on my hips.
He stood up, “You.”
“May I ask, how am I your problem?”
“You flirting with that idiot make you happy for a moment when -Everyone is trying to help you, and you just won’t give. You hide behind your ‘I’m fine, just fine’. And it takes some stranger, instead of your best friends to make you feel better- some idiot to makes you smile like that, when I have been trying for months? It’s annoying. Why-
Ouch
“I can flirt with whomever I choose to. That’s unfair to Char- he’s not an idiot. Why are you being like this? You do make me smile. You’re my best friend, Tom. What’s annoying?”
“You’re annoying. I can’t stand you being a zombie anymore. Hiding behind your “fine, just fine.” When are you going to be the Christina I met a year ago…”
“ If I’m so annoying, why don’t you leave Tom? God, everyone knows you have other options. What hope do you have hanging with a neurotic, and two homosexuals with a kid? From now on, you’re nothing to me- if all I am is an annoyance. Good bye, Tom.”
When I looked at him, I knew he was hurt. I was so angry, I didn’t care. I wanted to hurt him.
Now, the only thing left to do was to leave. I knew when we next saw each other, assuming we ever did, things would never be the same. We may never be the same. Hell, we might not be friends. I knew this, but at that moment, all I wanted was for him to feel the hurt, I haven’t been feeling- because the intensity of his hurt, equal the intensity of my numbness. Few things felt right anymore.
A few days later, I learned nothing felt right without Him
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