Truth:Chapter 13

Truth: Chapter 13

“I gotta go.” I said.
“You are staying with me, now?” Tom said, in that logical way he always does when I was being ridiculous.
“Um, I’ll be in my room!” I rushed to the temporary room, I would be staying in.
Shit Shit Shit.
What did I just do?
There was a knock on the door, hesitant at first, then pounding.
“Christina.”
Don’t respond.
“I-“
“I love you.”
I didn’t answer for a few minutes, and then I locked the door.
He must have heard the click, because he commented on it.
“Unlock the door! I’m telling you I love you, and you lock the door in my face. Way to boost the ego, Chris.”
“Oh, god. Tom. I have to think about this! It’s all so sudden. I-“
“We’ve been dancing around in circles for months.” He sighed. “I’ll be outside waiting.”
I bided my time like a coward, until I smelled the freshly brewed coffee. Columbian. My favorite.
I opened the door slowly. “Tom?”
“I couldn’t get you out of the room, but coffee could? You wound me so.” Tom shook his head in either disgust or astonishment; I wasn’t sure.
“I can’t live here anymore.” I started. “Its not-“
“You it’s me. I’ve been through the break up before, no need to repeat the lines.”
I was growing frustrated. This isn’t what I planned- sure I just planned it right now, but still.
We stared at each other for a few moments.
“Tom. You don’t want me. I’m all messed up inside. Don’t say anything. I am. I don’t need you to be my Prince Charming, riding in your white horse trying to save me. I’m no damsel…I’m not broken, either. This is going to sound so angst-filled, but I need to find me, before I can figure out us. Besides, you’re too good for me. “I looked at him for a second longer and walked away.
I didn’t think it would be that easy. Walking away, I mean. The movies and books make it seem much more excruciating than it appears. ‘Oh, she walked away from true love and now she can never move on’ that’s not me. The real pain was when- I kept walking and didn’t pause.
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“Christina, you love that boy.” Colin told me, sipping his coffee.
“I know. It’s just-I don’t know if he can handle me. Colin, I’m crazy. I have a past. How would he handle my condition? I’m not normal, Colin. He deserves someone better.”
“Honey, no one’s normal. Fuck, if he wants a Step ford Wife, he could get one easily. But, he chose you. You, honey.”
The thing about Colin is he makes me feel better when no one else can. He’s upfront. He doesn’t lie to spare my feelings, but at this moment I wish he would; knowing that Tom chose messed up me- makes it more difficult to get him out of my life, to save him from myself.
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“Why are you terrified of the thought of love?”Dr. Maynes asked me.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. She gave me the Therapist Stare “I guess I’m scared of losing control, of my love being denied, of it being loss or destroyed- or me ending up heartbroken. My Aunt Yvette always told me “Never marry someone you love.” She said it just adds complications. Complications such as battles of whom…okay, I don’t know what that means exactly. All I know is I rather protect my heart. Being in love is like giving someone else something precious, and they have the opportunity to destroy it, leaving you shattered. And frankly, I’m not willing to take that chance. Yet, I never felt this way before. When I look at Tom, I get butterflies and that annoying drop in the stomach. All that cliché romance bullshit, I used to make fun of girls for doing- I am doing. It’s not fair. I’m being illogical.”
“How is having feeling of love illogical? It’s human nature to long for romantic companionship.” Dr. Maynes stated.
“It’s illogical for me, because it contradicts everything I set myself to believe in. I’m the girl who scorns love. It’s for saps, people who have nothing to lose; what I mean by that is, people who are willing to lose control. It’s illogical because I’m the type of person who has to be in control. That’s why I’m so anal retentive. Everything has its place, everything a certain way or manner-it’s a way of controlling my environment. “
“What about your condition?”
I should have seen that coming.
“I know during my episodes control is the least thing on my mind; it’s like a lost habit; something I know but without in my grasp-or rather something I don’t care to be in my grasp. That’s why when I’m well; I tend to do the exact opposite of my manic stage. It makes me feel weak, and abnormal. Which brings me back to Tom, why would he want that?”
Dr. Maynes took a deep breath.
“There is nothing abnormal about you. You got a condition. So, do individuals with hypertension and diabetes- does that make them abnormal? I’m not supposed to say this, considering this is a professional environment,” at this point fun therapist made her return “But, girl, you’re like a flame that attracts the moth. And from the pictures you shown me of Tom, he’s a very hot moth. “
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The therapy sessions made me feel better, but that didn’t stop me from avoiding Tom.
My voice mail was full of his messages:”Christina pickup.”, “Christina, we need to talk.”, “Christina.”
I felt awful at first, but over time I knew it was for the best. I was saving him- does that sound fucked up, or what? What girl would want to save some gorgeous guy from herself? Oh, right. A crazy, anal retentive one. I won the lottery of insane traits. Fictional God really fucked me over this time. I must have run over a cart of nuns in a past life.
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The thing about being Bipolar is I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I always view an episode as an “it.” The fabled monster under the bed, you could say. I live in this sort of anxiety that it will come again, and my life will be in shambles, again. And I’ll have to pick it up the pieces, again. I know it’s been building steam, biding it’s time before it makes an appearance, and now that it’s finally come- I’m still shocked. There were the signs: not eating and avoidance. But, when I took all those pills, god, when I took them- that’s when I knew. It returned.
I sighed, and got out of my bed. I did my morning ritual: brush teeth, make coffee, consume coffee, eat oatmeal, consume more coffee, and get ready for work.
It was summer time, and I was still working at that fancy bistro downtown. Older gentleman still invited me out for drinks after my shifts, and sometimes I considered it. It got, ah, not lonely- it got rather boring after awhile. I don’t get to hang around Colin much. He’s playing Momdad to, and I just don’t want to get involved. They are a family. My family is as nutty as ever. Billy visits Grandma Cheryl with me on occasion. She keeps asking about Tom. I told her he’s not my boyfriend, and we are not acquainted. That only made her more determined to find out why we aren’t together.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
The more I tell my mind to do something, to try to convince myself, the more my emotions rebel against it. It’s like when someone tells you not to look, and you look anyway. It’s a reflex to do the opposite. That’s what my mind and emotions are doing now. My mind is telling me it’s only logical to focus on the present, to let go of the past, yet, my emotions are all for holding on. Does that make sense? I can’t dwell on it now; work is in ten.
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“Hey, sugar. How about the grilled chicken and your number?”
“Coming right up. And suffer, baby.” I said taking my regular’s order.
He laughed with his buddies (who were actually really nice) “Good one, Christina!”
I let out a small smile. Life isn’t that bad, I thought.
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“My turn.” I told him.
“Shoot.” He said, grabbing a strawberry from my pancake.
“Hey!” he smiled “Worse memory.”
“You mean all of them that didn’t involve you?”
“So sweet of you. But, you’re changing the topic.”I told him, shaking my head.
“12. Parents died in a car accident. Want more coffee?” Tom said blasé’ like.
It got awkward for a few moments.
“I’m sorry.” I told him, grabbing his hand.
“It’s okay. Everyone has to die sometime. My parents died earlier than expected. It doesn’t matter. I hardly saw them anyway. “At this he shrugged .I didn’t know if it was because he was trying to be the Strong and Silent type or something else.
“Why are you sharing this with me?” I questioned him.
“Because you asked.”
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I was slowing withdrawing. I wouldn’t answer Colin’s calls, or accept his invitations to go out. I just didn’t feel like it. It wasn’t like I was depressed and wanted to sleep all day. It’s just I’d rather be by myself. There was so much organizing I could do, and lists. I made so many lists. I made lists on what to do with my life, lists of pros and cons to socialize, lists for everything; important or unimportant. I was so stuck on inane projects such as organization and drawing up plans for a distant future, I was forgetting my friends. I couldn’t explain it. It was like I didn’t want them to bother me. Maybe I was becoming that lonely lady with cats at 20, without the cats.
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“My turn. When was the last time you were in love?” I asked.
“Pass.”
“You realize you lose, and at a later date I get to ask you whatever I want and you have to do it?” I frowned slightly. I wanted to know the answer.
“Okay.”
That was the last question I asked, now weeks ago, and I still wanted the answer.