Truth:Chapter 10

Truth:Chapter 10
Colin was noticing me withdrawing. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I was living in my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. It was much more preferable than real life. Don’t get me wrong, things were going well in my life. Colin and Tony were a steady couple and they made sure I kept sane, Timmy brought a few laughs; I was back in school- doing quite well in school actually. Yet, the smile didn’t reach my eyes. When I laughed, it felt hoarse, rehearsed- as if I was just doing it on cue, not because I was enjoying the moment.

I was still seeing Char. He was a sweet guy. He was into photography and nature, so he took photos of me all the time. “You’re beautiful in the sunset, do you mind?” We would take hiking excursions on Sunday Mornings; he’ll tell me everything about myself; assuming I did the same. Of course, I didn’t. We didn’t play “Truth” That was exclusive between me and Tom. I haven’t seen him in weeks now.
I learned when two people are that angry, that hurt, it makes a difference who apologizes first.
I get flashbacks of our time together.
“It’s my turn.” Tom said, after t taking a long sip of his coffee
“Shoot.”
“What was your first kiss like?”
“Sweet. It was on the playground in fourth grade. This boy, Billy, cliché as it sounds, always used to pull my pigtails. One day this other boy did the same thing, and he just pushed him and kissed me, in front of everyone.”
Tom leaned in, “So, it went-
I never got to hear the rest because my cell phone rang; I wonder what would have happened.

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“You don’t talk about Tom, anymore? Any reason?” Dr.Maynes asked.
“We had a falling out.” I shrugged. I didn’t like to think about him, much. He’s still my best friend, and knowing I was the cause of us not talking, upset me. But, I didn’t tell her that.
“How do you feel about that?”
“Fine, just fine.” I replied.
Speak, I thought, speak.
Colin moved out a few weeks later.
“Hun, I want to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Me and Tony are just a few blocks away, you have the spare key in case of emergencies, okay?” Colin checked, pacing around nervously. I overheard him talking to Tony, he didn’t want to leave me alone because of my “fragile condition.” Please, I’m not a damsel.
“You are in order with everything: cleaning, cooking, organizing…I never thought someone could be too organized.” He muttered “Anal retentive”
“Colin, I’ll be fine.” I assured him.
He gave me a disbelieving look.
“Okay, if you feel lonely, I posted a few names on the fridge-you might be able to stand enough, to be roommates. “ He was going to say more, but gathered me in his arms.
“I’m going to miss you, hun.” He whispered into my hair.
“Me too, Colin.”
I wasn’t much into tearful goodbyes, but even I was crying. My best friend was leaving without me. He was practically Momdad to Timmy. I couldn’t help, but feel a little resentful. He was mine, first.
000000
It was pouring outside. I mean Noah’s arc standards. I was grabbing bread for the low-fat pasta I was making, at the farmers marker. It was a typical day. That is until I saw him. It has been four months since we got into that confrontation.
We were crossing the same streets. He didn’t see me, until my tote with my bread spilled in front of him.
“Christina?” he raised his voice from the pouring rain.
I stared dumbly at him. This was the man whose number my hands were always trying to call; the man I thought of when there was nothing else on my mind; my best friend.
“Christina?” he repeated. “We should get out of here. My car is at the corner. Let’s grab dinner.”
When we reached the car, Tom put the heater all the way on. “Don’t worry, the place we’re going to is a 45 minute drive. We’ll have plenty of time to dry off. We’re meeting my friend’s fiancé, Serena.”
My hands paused on the seatbelt. Serena? I thought. Surely, not my sister whom I haven’t seen in 3 years- the one who…no, I stopped myself. Don’t think about that.
It was a surprisingly comfortable silence.
“How have you been?” I asked.
“Oh, school has been keeping up my time. Been hanging around with Greg mostly. You?”
“School is pretty tiring for me as well. Oh, Colin moved in with Tony and Timmy. “
“Seeing anyone?” he asked
“Char. You know, the delivery guy from that night? He’s studying law.”
Tom swerved the car a little; which is unusual because normally he is a very cautious driver.
“You?” Please say no, Please say no.
“A few actually. Just looking at my options.”
“Oh.” It was all I could say.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was escape that car.

00000
“We’re here.” Tom announced, unbuckling his seatbelt.
It was a nice place; the restaurant over-looked like a cottage by the seaside.
Tom went to the other side to let me out.
“Always the gentleman.” I smiled and took his hand.
It was nothing like Char, his was rough, a wrestler hand.
My thoughts were interrupted when I saw the girl in Tom’s friend’s hand.
Flashback
Mother was in her closet, laying down. I went to shake her.
“Mother.” No response. “Mother!”
At this point, I was scared and called my older sister, Serena.
“SERENA! MOTHER ISN’T MOVING!”
Serena walked in silently, smoking a cigarette. “It’s your fault, you know.”
“My fault?” I asked.
“Why she killed herself. She sad she couldn’t handle the stress- and having a crazy daughter can do that to do. I called the police. They should be taking you away. “
“Serena! Please, don’t” I started crying.”Please.”
0000
“Christina, my, it has been a long time.” At this my sister smiled, and flicked back her straight, blonde hair; so unlike my brown, unruly curls.
“Almost four years, actually.” I said demurely.
The thing about girls like Serena, is they play mind games. Upfront bickering is considered a lost.
We were seated near the window.
Tom and his friend, Jacob made small talk about what med school they wanted to get into; leaving me to fend off Serena by myself.
“Christina, you’re in college, correct?” my sister asked
“I am. I’m studying journalism and advertising.”
“Oh.” She said.
“Christina is really talented.” Tom came to my aide.
I smiled at him and mouthed “Thank you.”
“It’s remarkable what you are doing considering you were in a mental asylum a few years prior.” My sister said calmly.
My hands started to shake- no one but my therapists knew that, not even Colin.
“Honey, this isn’t the time.” Jacob started.
“I’m merely saying she’s grown into such a lovely lady from the royal pain in the ass she was when mother died. It was her fault you know.” At this point, the other patrons in the restaurants stared.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“Well, Serena, seeing as you’re the picture of sanity. I’d like to thank you for sending me away, to save myself from being a frigid bitch like yourself. Another thing, it was never my fault mother killed herself, and to blame me was childish and cruel. Have fun burning in hell.” I breathed an angry breath. “Are you ready, Tom?”
Tom wiped his mouth on his napkin, took my hand and we left the table.
00000
It was silent in the car for a few minutes.
“Your sister is a bitch.” Tom said simply
“That, she is. She’s always been like that. Ever since we were little.” I started.
There’s always that sink in your stomach, when you let someone in, even just a little bit.
“Really? Why?”
“She always wanted to be the best, the favorite, and when I was born, she wasn’t. She took her rage out on me in everything; when she didn’t do well on a test, when a boy scorned her- on anything really. It was the same thing when I became…bipolar. My parents and grandparents were supportive, ‘Oh, you’re not crazy, sweetie.’ But, Serena, god, she used it as leverage- like it was my fault, like it was somehow proof that she was better than me. Then, when my mother killed herself, she said it was my fault- because she ‘couldn’t handle a crazy daughter.’ It hurt, but countless therapy sessions later; I realized I’m stronger than her. She can’t handle the pain, so she pinpoints it to other people- innocent people. I handle it- I take the shit, and bare you know? In myth, like Jesus bares the fucking cross, you know? Does that make sense?” I sighed, suddenly tired.
He nodded. “Perfect sense.”
0000
I dialed Tom’s number
“Channel 64 They are doing infomercials about…” I said
“This ingenious coffee maker. I’m watching it right now.”
“I need to get that shit.” I mumbled
“You’re drinking coffee, aren’t you?”
“It’s 4 am, and I have work at 8. How am I supposed to function?”
“Uh, sleep.” Tom said like it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Sleep is for the weak. Consuming coffee should be an Olympic Sport. Oh, the dreamy guy is on.”
“He’s like 50 years old..”
“Still dreamy.”
“Go to sleep, Christina.”
“But I don’t wanna. There are monsters in the closet! Oh, and my cat won’t get up from my lap.”
“You have a cat?”
“I have to give in to the lonely old lady stereotype?”
“You’re 21.”
“Ah, youth escapes me !This coffee machine is the Porsche of all coffee machines. “ I stated, in awe.
“I have my credit card right here.”
“Would you really?” I asked.
“If it gets you to shut up, yes.”
He put me on hold for a few moments.
“Got it. You should be expecting it in 3-5 business days.”Tom told me when he got on the phone
“Did I ever tell you you’re my hero- you’re the wing beneath.”
“Oh,god.”
“Tom!” I exclaimed, almost drunk from lack of sleep. “I have a voice of an angel.
“From hell.”
“I’m insulted.”
“And so are all the choirs in the city. Christina? Great. You fell asleep on me again.”
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“Char.” I started.
We were talking a walk in the park.
“We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. I haven’t met your friends. Tom despises you. My cat uses you as a scratching post- but you are cute, and make me smile when I’m having a bad day.”
“You’re right. We aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. But, you bring the childhood boy in me with your odd quirks- and leave me smiling in a middle of our kiss. What does that make us? Friends with benefits?”
I shook my head.”No, that would mean I’m some sort of harlot! I think we are friends that like to make each other laugh and occasionally kiss. Aha. Perfect way to describe us!”
Char then tried to hold my hand.
“I didn’t put hand-holding in the description.” He gave me those brown eyes puppy dog look”and if I wanted to look at puppy dog eyes, I would adopt a pet.”
“Ah, my sweet, you are too cruel.” He put his arm around my shoulder in a friendly manner and we walked towards the sun.
00000
“Colin?”
“Yeah, hun?”
“What do you think of this dress? It’s yellow, and that usually washes out my skin.”
“I would go with the red. It looks good with your skin tone, and hair.”
“Thanks for your Gay Man Opinion. Hmn, I wonder where Tom is taking me to dinner at.” I murmured.
“Probably to profess his undying love for you. “Tony put in from painting his nails(“beige-all natural, but elegant)
“Now, stop. He’s not in love with me.”
Colin and Tony exchanged a look.
00000
“ How’s the chicken?” Tom asked.
“Remarkable. The steak?”
“Fantastic.”
“Are you still seeing those girls? The “Other options.” I laughed at this, it seemed so unlike Tom.
“No, I know who I want now.” He looked at me in that way he always does.
I cut my meat into twos, then into threes, then into fours. I know, anal retentive.
“Who?”
“She’s about 5’4, brown, curly hair, neurotic, anal retentive- definitely, adorable, cute, yet frustrating, she gets on my nerves virtually every other day, she’s-“
“This isn’t about that girl in Annie Hall, right? Because she’s not real.”
Tom sighed. “You really don’t have a clue, do you?”
The waiter came “Check?”
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“You seem sad today, Christina. Is anything troubling you?” Dr. Maynes asked
How about Tom not talking to me? Or that I’m hearing things in the shower- are the voices? Flash backs.
“I’m just not feeling well,is all.”
“I see. How are your medicines. Are you eating?”
“Yes.” No
“I see.”
“What do you want to accomplish in this therapy session?”
She asks this every month- as a way to sum up my “progress” or some other psycho-bullshit.
“I want to get better.”
It’s a generic excuse, but she buys it.
And that’s all I want- to get better.
But how?