"Christina." No response. "Chrissssttttina"
"Shut up, Tom. I have to do this paperwork. Those twats at the office gave me a ton." Christina sighed. "6 months after graduation, and I already have a soul-sucking job."
"Quit?" Tom offered his suggestion.
Christina looked at the red clock on the left side of the wall.
"I can't. Seattle Times hasn't called yet- I mean, they are a new company. I guess they need to get everything together before they hire someone...6:45. I guess I can take a break."
Tom leaned in for a kiss, but was stopped by Christina's exclaim "Tom! You smell like curry. Gross, brush your teeth. I can't stand curry!"
Tom sighed and got off the cough. "There better be some spooning when I come back."
5 seconds later. "Oh, and mouthwash too!"
"My girlfriend is crazy" Tom thought.
author's note: Just something to keep my one fan by.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Truth:Chapter 15
Truth:Chapter 15
Woah. Too much to drink last night. Way, way too much to drink. Where was I again? It was a messy apartment, law books everywhere…wait law books?
I looked at the man next to me on the bed:brown hair, lean body, freckles on the nose…CHAR!
“Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god” I muttered.
“What?” Char looked at me”Shit. Shit. Shit.”
“Did we?”
We both looked under the covers. Naked.
“I was drunk!” we both said simultaneously.
Suddenly, memories of last night came flashing back. It was the end of finals, shots, oh, god…so many shots, saw Tom with another girl, Char comforting me, Char kissing me, Char taking me to his apartment, Char…I can’t believe I had sex with one of my best friends.
“This,” I said “should never be repeated.”
“I agree.” Char told me. “Breakfast. You’re pretty wild.”
I laughed and slapped his hand.
Some thing will never change.
00000
“Waffles or pancakes?” Tom asked.
“Waffles, definitely. Pancakes remind me of old men in diners.”
It was then that I saw an old man glaring at me.
“Wow, suave, Chris. “
“A standing ovation for my classy observation and delivery is in order!”
Tom used his fork to tap his coffee mug.
“Thank you, thank you. “
“ The word “post-its” or “sticky-notes”?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. That’s a legitimate question. Some people refer it as ‘sticky notes’, like me, some people refer to it as ‘post-its’, like Char; I didn’t notice his scowl when I said his name; Now which one?”
“Sticky notes. Real men don’t refer to anything as inane as “its”
“Hmmn. Don’t agree. What about frat boys “Dude, I did it with her!”
“That’s only in That 70s Show. “
“What about, “Dude, I did that shit.”
“Point taken. Out of all your guy friends, who do you like spending the most time with?”
“Tough.” I had to ponder on this one. “Colin. He’s my best friend. I’m not saying you, Char, or Tony aren’t great- but me and Colin are close close. Like I’m his Fag Hag and he is my Gay. “
“I see.”
Is it my imagination or does he look disappointed?
0000
“Coffee please. “ I ordered.
“Same here.” Char said tossing the menu to the side.
“And your meals?” the waitress asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
Gag me.
“ The omelets special. Christina, my girlfriend, will have the light.”
I smiled smugly at her, only to get a glare in return.
“Girlfriend? Thanks for ordering for me, sexist.”
“If you mean, sexy dictator, welcome. And she’s ugly, I had to make her stop ogling me with her ugly eyes.”
“Char! You shallow man! I’m sure she has a great- she’s a bitch and ugly. A double curse. “
“Ay, Ay.”
5 minutes later our food was ready and brought out.
“This omelet is amazing!” I exclaimed “Ew, Char, you’re eating like Tom.”
I frowned. I missed Tom. How long has it been since I talked to him? 3? 4 weeks?
Char grabbed my hand “Just give him a call. He’s your love. Besides, if he can take you as you are, anal retentive loon, then he’s the one. I mean, you’re hard to handle. I can handle you because I’m God’s gift to the world- I’m like a-“
I covered his mouth with my hand.
“Do shut up. And I can’t just call him! I basically told him I don’t need him- and did you see him with that other girl last night? She is TALL, and pretty. And here I am short, and mere cute.”
“Like a bunny or some adorable creature.”
I glared.
“Just making a point. Besides, he was staring at you the whole night.”
“I guess. Maybe, I’ll call him…call I put him on speaker phone with you?”
He patted my hand “You, poor, adorable woman. Of course, you can.”
0000
“How are you today, Christina?” Dr. Maynes asked, popping a nicotine gum in her mouth.
“I’m doing great. I’m finished with my junior year at the university; and see Char, Tony and Colin all the time.”
“What about Tom?”
“Um, we don’t talk much.”
“I see. How are your migraines?”
It feels like a fat man is jumping on my forehead.
“It’s getting better. “
“Great. Have you been going to your anxiety support group?”
Never been.
“Yes, its enlightening.”
“Hmmn, you are bipolar, neurotic, and a compulsive liar. “
“That’s all true.” I told her. I’m used to therapists being upfront when they want to get me to spill.
“How does it make you feel about yourself?”
“Very bad. Very bad indeed. Like a murderer of morals, like a thief of standards, like a-
“Sarcasm is not necessary, Ms. Watson. I am asking why you are not following my suggestions, yet say you are.”
“Honestly, its because I don’t need it. I’m fine figuring shit on my own. I don’t need a support group to feel sorry for me. I have my friends to understand and sympathize. No offence, but you are a paid professional, you have no right demanding me to follow your “suggestions” I do believe this session is over.
0000
“God, Colin. Dr. Maynes is a real bitch when she doesn’t smoke. “
“What did she do?” Tony asked.
“Tony, get your big show tune mouth out of it.” He looked sad. Ha, always does- tricks me to tell him more”If I wanted to look at puppy eyes, I would adopt a pet. Where is Timmy?”
“He’s with his grandparents for the month.” Tony replied, filing his nails.
“May I ask why?”
“We are going to get married!” Colin squealed.
“Oh my god! Really? Where at?”
“Maine! It’s next June!”
“Colin, Tony this is great! Who is going to be your best man?”
“Um, I was hopefully you would be the best WOMAN.”
I blinked back tears. “Really? Oh, that would be amazing!”
We talked excitedly about the wedding plans in the car, and on our way to Tony and Colin’s
0000
“I can’t believe we had sex again…” I groaned into my hands.
“And you weren’t even drunk this time!”
“Char, this isn’t funny!”
“What? You think my sex skills are laughable?” he put a tan hand to his chest and sighed “That hurts. Right here, Christina.”
I rolled my eyes.”Don’t tell anyone.”
“But, what about our true love? We can’t hide that from the world!”
I grabbed a pillow and wacked him with it.
“I got to go to work. “
He leaned in for a kiss.
I sighed but gave him a peck.
Woah. Too much to drink last night. Way, way too much to drink. Where was I again? It was a messy apartment, law books everywhere…wait law books?
I looked at the man next to me on the bed:brown hair, lean body, freckles on the nose…CHAR!
“Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god” I muttered.
“What?” Char looked at me”Shit. Shit. Shit.”
“Did we?”
We both looked under the covers. Naked.
“I was drunk!” we both said simultaneously.
Suddenly, memories of last night came flashing back. It was the end of finals, shots, oh, god…so many shots, saw Tom with another girl, Char comforting me, Char kissing me, Char taking me to his apartment, Char…I can’t believe I had sex with one of my best friends.
“This,” I said “should never be repeated.”
“I agree.” Char told me. “Breakfast. You’re pretty wild.”
I laughed and slapped his hand.
Some thing will never change.
00000
“Waffles or pancakes?” Tom asked.
“Waffles, definitely. Pancakes remind me of old men in diners.”
It was then that I saw an old man glaring at me.
“Wow, suave, Chris. “
“A standing ovation for my classy observation and delivery is in order!”
Tom used his fork to tap his coffee mug.
“Thank you, thank you. “
“ The word “post-its” or “sticky-notes”?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No. That’s a legitimate question. Some people refer it as ‘sticky notes’, like me, some people refer to it as ‘post-its’, like Char; I didn’t notice his scowl when I said his name; Now which one?”
“Sticky notes. Real men don’t refer to anything as inane as “its”
“Hmmn. Don’t agree. What about frat boys “Dude, I did it with her!”
“That’s only in That 70s Show. “
“What about, “Dude, I did that shit.”
“Point taken. Out of all your guy friends, who do you like spending the most time with?”
“Tough.” I had to ponder on this one. “Colin. He’s my best friend. I’m not saying you, Char, or Tony aren’t great- but me and Colin are close close. Like I’m his Fag Hag and he is my Gay. “
“I see.”
Is it my imagination or does he look disappointed?
0000
“Coffee please. “ I ordered.
“Same here.” Char said tossing the menu to the side.
“And your meals?” the waitress asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
Gag me.
“ The omelets special. Christina, my girlfriend, will have the light.”
I smiled smugly at her, only to get a glare in return.
“Girlfriend? Thanks for ordering for me, sexist.”
“If you mean, sexy dictator, welcome. And she’s ugly, I had to make her stop ogling me with her ugly eyes.”
“Char! You shallow man! I’m sure she has a great- she’s a bitch and ugly. A double curse. “
“Ay, Ay.”
5 minutes later our food was ready and brought out.
“This omelet is amazing!” I exclaimed “Ew, Char, you’re eating like Tom.”
I frowned. I missed Tom. How long has it been since I talked to him? 3? 4 weeks?
Char grabbed my hand “Just give him a call. He’s your love. Besides, if he can take you as you are, anal retentive loon, then he’s the one. I mean, you’re hard to handle. I can handle you because I’m God’s gift to the world- I’m like a-“
I covered his mouth with my hand.
“Do shut up. And I can’t just call him! I basically told him I don’t need him- and did you see him with that other girl last night? She is TALL, and pretty. And here I am short, and mere cute.”
“Like a bunny or some adorable creature.”
I glared.
“Just making a point. Besides, he was staring at you the whole night.”
“I guess. Maybe, I’ll call him…call I put him on speaker phone with you?”
He patted my hand “You, poor, adorable woman. Of course, you can.”
0000
“How are you today, Christina?” Dr. Maynes asked, popping a nicotine gum in her mouth.
“I’m doing great. I’m finished with my junior year at the university; and see Char, Tony and Colin all the time.”
“What about Tom?”
“Um, we don’t talk much.”
“I see. How are your migraines?”
It feels like a fat man is jumping on my forehead.
“It’s getting better. “
“Great. Have you been going to your anxiety support group?”
Never been.
“Yes, its enlightening.”
“Hmmn, you are bipolar, neurotic, and a compulsive liar. “
“That’s all true.” I told her. I’m used to therapists being upfront when they want to get me to spill.
“How does it make you feel about yourself?”
“Very bad. Very bad indeed. Like a murderer of morals, like a thief of standards, like a-
“Sarcasm is not necessary, Ms. Watson. I am asking why you are not following my suggestions, yet say you are.”
“Honestly, its because I don’t need it. I’m fine figuring shit on my own. I don’t need a support group to feel sorry for me. I have my friends to understand and sympathize. No offence, but you are a paid professional, you have no right demanding me to follow your “suggestions” I do believe this session is over.
0000
“God, Colin. Dr. Maynes is a real bitch when she doesn’t smoke. “
“What did she do?” Tony asked.
“Tony, get your big show tune mouth out of it.” He looked sad. Ha, always does- tricks me to tell him more”If I wanted to look at puppy eyes, I would adopt a pet. Where is Timmy?”
“He’s with his grandparents for the month.” Tony replied, filing his nails.
“May I ask why?”
“We are going to get married!” Colin squealed.
“Oh my god! Really? Where at?”
“Maine! It’s next June!”
“Colin, Tony this is great! Who is going to be your best man?”
“Um, I was hopefully you would be the best WOMAN.”
I blinked back tears. “Really? Oh, that would be amazing!”
We talked excitedly about the wedding plans in the car, and on our way to Tony and Colin’s
0000
“I can’t believe we had sex again…” I groaned into my hands.
“And you weren’t even drunk this time!”
“Char, this isn’t funny!”
“What? You think my sex skills are laughable?” he put a tan hand to his chest and sighed “That hurts. Right here, Christina.”
I rolled my eyes.”Don’t tell anyone.”
“But, what about our true love? We can’t hide that from the world!”
I grabbed a pillow and wacked him with it.
“I got to go to work. “
He leaned in for a kiss.
I sighed but gave him a peck.
Truth:Chapter 14
The cheerful birds chirping was my wake up call. Did I say chirping? More like squeaking loudly in an offensive manner.
I groaned and got out of my warm bed. It was time for class.
I quickly grinded the coffee, Brazilian this time and waited for it while I ate jam and toast.
“Today better be a good day.” I thought to myself, while I grabbed my travel coffee mug, my school supplies and coat and walked out the door.
0000
Today sucked. And Blown up. Like a nuclear bomb, but with shittiness.
I was missing a half of page in a 10 page essay for my nazi-marketing professor, and she freaked and gave me an “incomplete”
Incomplete=worse than an F at an university.
When I got home, I kicked off my shoes and went to what I called the maker of Heaven: My Coffee Machine. I christened it Marvin. It seemed sophisticated. Don’t ask me why because I haven’t got a clue.
I checked the messages on my machine.There were two from Colin and one from Char reminding me that we have dinner tonight at 7. I looked at the clock. 5:45. Shit, I thought.
I hurried to take a shower, and get ready. 40 minutes later, I was all dressed and putting the finishing touches on my makeup, when Char knocked on my door.
“Char.” I smiled, opening the door and inviting him in.
“You moved your furniture, again; the second time this month. “ He laughed and gave me a hug “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” I murmered taking in his familiar cologne of Hugo Boss. I went with him to buy it- he used to wear the cheap stuff. Bleh. “Law school keeps you so busy. We hardly spend any time together.”
“I know. That’s why I’m taking you to dinner. Are you ready?” he asked.
“Yes.”
I was moving on slowing from Christina. She was another fish in the sea, after all. A rare, beautiful fish- but just another one, nonetheless.I’m focusing on my studies, Nerd Mode you could say. It’s working out because I’m acing all my classes. In a few months, my junior year will end and then I’ll be getting a summer internship at the hospital. It doesn’t pay much.But, at least it’ll keep me distracted from thoughts of Her.
0000
“Nice place.” I tried to whistle, but it just sounded like I was blowing air from my mouth.
Char laughed. “It is, isn’t it? Come on, the reservations are already set and its almost 7.”
We walked into the fancy restaurant and all I saw were flowers- they were everywhere: on the tables, on the shelves, on baskets hanging from the ceiling.
“Are you going to propose? What’s with all the flowers?” I asked curiously.
“Don’t feel special. I took a girl here last week and got la-“ he stopped when I saw his glare.
“You have such a way with words. “ I said, following the waiter to our seats.
“What would you like to drink?”
“No funny accent, this time?” Char asked
I slapped his hand”Char!”
“Oh. I was doing that as a joke.” The waiter explained “Your drinks?”
“Water. What, Char?” I asked when he gave me a funny look.
“How am I supposed to take advantage of you ,when you don’t get drunk first?”I glared “Kidding, of course.”
“Of course, my ass””
“And a very fine one, at that” Char finished for me.”I’ll have a water, as well.”
We made small talk for a few minutes until I felt something weird.
It was funny. My hands started shaking, my toes were tingly. I couldn’t breathe. Everything was going so fast. It was like things were in a blur. I blinked trying to push back the feeling of not breathing. My hands, still shaking, rushed to my face. Was it still there? Everything felt funny. My heart was beating really fast, like a rabbit thumping. Thump. Thump. Thump. I thought it lasted for hours, but it lasted for minutes. I didn’t hear anyone calling my name until someone shook me.
“Christina! Christina! Are you alright? I’m going to take you to the hospital.”
“Oh Okay. “ I said slowly. I calmed down, but my hands were still shaking.
0000
“Everything is normal.” The doctor told us. “She just had a panic attack. It can be caused for a variety of reasons. One of them being from stress or medication.”
Me and Char looked at each other. “I’m on a few medications. “ I then listed all the medication I was on.
When I was finished, he gave me his work number to give to Dr. Maynes to discuss “possible treatment options.”
Great. This is fantastic. Absolutely amazing- I won the lottery of fuck up in all things life. My, how proud Mother would be. Mother, I thought, the woman who always believed in me. I wonder what she thinks of me now?
000
“Relax, Christina, it was just one panic attack.” Colin tried to console me.
“Colin, but what if there is something else wrong with me? God, I don’t mean to sound all angst-girl, but I’m already Bipolar!Next, I’m going to be some neurotic who can’t leave the house, and have to get too many cats, and have stringy hair and-“
Tony threw a pillow at me.
“Calm down, Chris. IF, and I mentally capitalized “IF” you are a neurotic, who cares? You’ll still be Christina. So, what if it may make you more anal retentive and annoying- I mean, you’re not annoying. “ Tony tried to save himself
“ You’re sinking, Hun, sinking.” Colin told his boyfriend, shaking his head.
“Guys. Enough. This, as always, is about me and how fucked up I am.” I laughed bitterly.
“Christina. Please, just get some rest. Look at the bags under your eyes. When was the last time you slept?”
3 days ago, I thought.
“Last night.”
“LIAR” Tony called from the kitchen
“Okay, I’ll guess. I’ll let you guys go do your gayly deeds.” I sighed, grabbing my coat and walked out of the door.
00000
“My panic attacks have an underlining meaning?”
“I believe so.” Dr.Maynes told me.
I groaned and got out of my warm bed. It was time for class.
I quickly grinded the coffee, Brazilian this time and waited for it while I ate jam and toast.
“Today better be a good day.” I thought to myself, while I grabbed my travel coffee mug, my school supplies and coat and walked out the door.
0000
Today sucked. And Blown up. Like a nuclear bomb, but with shittiness.
I was missing a half of page in a 10 page essay for my nazi-marketing professor, and she freaked and gave me an “incomplete”
Incomplete=worse than an F at an university.
When I got home, I kicked off my shoes and went to what I called the maker of Heaven: My Coffee Machine. I christened it Marvin. It seemed sophisticated. Don’t ask me why because I haven’t got a clue.
I checked the messages on my machine.There were two from Colin and one from Char reminding me that we have dinner tonight at 7. I looked at the clock. 5:45. Shit, I thought.
I hurried to take a shower, and get ready. 40 minutes later, I was all dressed and putting the finishing touches on my makeup, when Char knocked on my door.
“Char.” I smiled, opening the door and inviting him in.
“You moved your furniture, again; the second time this month. “ He laughed and gave me a hug “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” I murmered taking in his familiar cologne of Hugo Boss. I went with him to buy it- he used to wear the cheap stuff. Bleh. “Law school keeps you so busy. We hardly spend any time together.”
“I know. That’s why I’m taking you to dinner. Are you ready?” he asked.
“Yes.”
I was moving on slowing from Christina. She was another fish in the sea, after all. A rare, beautiful fish- but just another one, nonetheless.I’m focusing on my studies, Nerd Mode you could say. It’s working out because I’m acing all my classes. In a few months, my junior year will end and then I’ll be getting a summer internship at the hospital. It doesn’t pay much.But, at least it’ll keep me distracted from thoughts of Her.
0000
“Nice place.” I tried to whistle, but it just sounded like I was blowing air from my mouth.
Char laughed. “It is, isn’t it? Come on, the reservations are already set and its almost 7.”
We walked into the fancy restaurant and all I saw were flowers- they were everywhere: on the tables, on the shelves, on baskets hanging from the ceiling.
“Are you going to propose? What’s with all the flowers?” I asked curiously.
“Don’t feel special. I took a girl here last week and got la-“ he stopped when I saw his glare.
“You have such a way with words. “ I said, following the waiter to our seats.
“What would you like to drink?”
“No funny accent, this time?” Char asked
I slapped his hand”Char!”
“Oh. I was doing that as a joke.” The waiter explained “Your drinks?”
“Water. What, Char?” I asked when he gave me a funny look.
“How am I supposed to take advantage of you ,when you don’t get drunk first?”I glared “Kidding, of course.”
“Of course, my ass””
“And a very fine one, at that” Char finished for me.”I’ll have a water, as well.”
We made small talk for a few minutes until I felt something weird.
It was funny. My hands started shaking, my toes were tingly. I couldn’t breathe. Everything was going so fast. It was like things were in a blur. I blinked trying to push back the feeling of not breathing. My hands, still shaking, rushed to my face. Was it still there? Everything felt funny. My heart was beating really fast, like a rabbit thumping. Thump. Thump. Thump. I thought it lasted for hours, but it lasted for minutes. I didn’t hear anyone calling my name until someone shook me.
“Christina! Christina! Are you alright? I’m going to take you to the hospital.”
“Oh Okay. “ I said slowly. I calmed down, but my hands were still shaking.
0000
“Everything is normal.” The doctor told us. “She just had a panic attack. It can be caused for a variety of reasons. One of them being from stress or medication.”
Me and Char looked at each other. “I’m on a few medications. “ I then listed all the medication I was on.
When I was finished, he gave me his work number to give to Dr. Maynes to discuss “possible treatment options.”
Great. This is fantastic. Absolutely amazing- I won the lottery of fuck up in all things life. My, how proud Mother would be. Mother, I thought, the woman who always believed in me. I wonder what she thinks of me now?
000
“Relax, Christina, it was just one panic attack.” Colin tried to console me.
“Colin, but what if there is something else wrong with me? God, I don’t mean to sound all angst-girl, but I’m already Bipolar!Next, I’m going to be some neurotic who can’t leave the house, and have to get too many cats, and have stringy hair and-“
Tony threw a pillow at me.
“Calm down, Chris. IF, and I mentally capitalized “IF” you are a neurotic, who cares? You’ll still be Christina. So, what if it may make you more anal retentive and annoying- I mean, you’re not annoying. “ Tony tried to save himself
“ You’re sinking, Hun, sinking.” Colin told his boyfriend, shaking his head.
“Guys. Enough. This, as always, is about me and how fucked up I am.” I laughed bitterly.
“Christina. Please, just get some rest. Look at the bags under your eyes. When was the last time you slept?”
3 days ago, I thought.
“Last night.”
“LIAR” Tony called from the kitchen
“Okay, I’ll guess. I’ll let you guys go do your gayly deeds.” I sighed, grabbing my coat and walked out of the door.
00000
“My panic attacks have an underlining meaning?”
“I believe so.” Dr.Maynes told me.
Truth:Chapter 13
Truth: Chapter 13
“I gotta go.” I said.
“You are staying with me, now?” Tom said, in that logical way he always does when I was being ridiculous.
“Um, I’ll be in my room!” I rushed to the temporary room, I would be staying in.
Shit Shit Shit.
What did I just do?
There was a knock on the door, hesitant at first, then pounding.
“Christina.”
Don’t respond.
“I-“
“I love you.”
I didn’t answer for a few minutes, and then I locked the door.
He must have heard the click, because he commented on it.
“Unlock the door! I’m telling you I love you, and you lock the door in my face. Way to boost the ego, Chris.”
“Oh, god. Tom. I have to think about this! It’s all so sudden. I-“
“We’ve been dancing around in circles for months.” He sighed. “I’ll be outside waiting.”
I bided my time like a coward, until I smelled the freshly brewed coffee. Columbian. My favorite.
I opened the door slowly. “Tom?”
“I couldn’t get you out of the room, but coffee could? You wound me so.” Tom shook his head in either disgust or astonishment; I wasn’t sure.
“I can’t live here anymore.” I started. “Its not-“
“You it’s me. I’ve been through the break up before, no need to repeat the lines.”
I was growing frustrated. This isn’t what I planned- sure I just planned it right now, but still.
We stared at each other for a few moments.
“Tom. You don’t want me. I’m all messed up inside. Don’t say anything. I am. I don’t need you to be my Prince Charming, riding in your white horse trying to save me. I’m no damsel…I’m not broken, either. This is going to sound so angst-filled, but I need to find me, before I can figure out us. Besides, you’re too good for me. “I looked at him for a second longer and walked away.
I didn’t think it would be that easy. Walking away, I mean. The movies and books make it seem much more excruciating than it appears. ‘Oh, she walked away from true love and now she can never move on’ that’s not me. The real pain was when- I kept walking and didn’t pause.
0000
“Christina, you love that boy.” Colin told me, sipping his coffee.
“I know. It’s just-I don’t know if he can handle me. Colin, I’m crazy. I have a past. How would he handle my condition? I’m not normal, Colin. He deserves someone better.”
“Honey, no one’s normal. Fuck, if he wants a Step ford Wife, he could get one easily. But, he chose you. You, honey.”
The thing about Colin is he makes me feel better when no one else can. He’s upfront. He doesn’t lie to spare my feelings, but at this moment I wish he would; knowing that Tom chose messed up me- makes it more difficult to get him out of my life, to save him from myself.
00000
“Why are you terrified of the thought of love?”Dr. Maynes asked me.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. She gave me the Therapist Stare “I guess I’m scared of losing control, of my love being denied, of it being loss or destroyed- or me ending up heartbroken. My Aunt Yvette always told me “Never marry someone you love.” She said it just adds complications. Complications such as battles of whom…okay, I don’t know what that means exactly. All I know is I rather protect my heart. Being in love is like giving someone else something precious, and they have the opportunity to destroy it, leaving you shattered. And frankly, I’m not willing to take that chance. Yet, I never felt this way before. When I look at Tom, I get butterflies and that annoying drop in the stomach. All that cliché romance bullshit, I used to make fun of girls for doing- I am doing. It’s not fair. I’m being illogical.”
“How is having feeling of love illogical? It’s human nature to long for romantic companionship.” Dr. Maynes stated.
“It’s illogical for me, because it contradicts everything I set myself to believe in. I’m the girl who scorns love. It’s for saps, people who have nothing to lose; what I mean by that is, people who are willing to lose control. It’s illogical because I’m the type of person who has to be in control. That’s why I’m so anal retentive. Everything has its place, everything a certain way or manner-it’s a way of controlling my environment. “
“What about your condition?”
I should have seen that coming.
“I know during my episodes control is the least thing on my mind; it’s like a lost habit; something I know but without in my grasp-or rather something I don’t care to be in my grasp. That’s why when I’m well; I tend to do the exact opposite of my manic stage. It makes me feel weak, and abnormal. Which brings me back to Tom, why would he want that?”
Dr. Maynes took a deep breath.
“There is nothing abnormal about you. You got a condition. So, do individuals with hypertension and diabetes- does that make them abnormal? I’m not supposed to say this, considering this is a professional environment,” at this point fun therapist made her return “But, girl, you’re like a flame that attracts the moth. And from the pictures you shown me of Tom, he’s a very hot moth. “
00000
The therapy sessions made me feel better, but that didn’t stop me from avoiding Tom.
My voice mail was full of his messages:”Christina pickup.”, “Christina, we need to talk.”, “Christina.”
I felt awful at first, but over time I knew it was for the best. I was saving him- does that sound fucked up, or what? What girl would want to save some gorgeous guy from herself? Oh, right. A crazy, anal retentive one. I won the lottery of insane traits. Fictional God really fucked me over this time. I must have run over a cart of nuns in a past life.
0000000000
The thing about being Bipolar is I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I always view an episode as an “it.” The fabled monster under the bed, you could say. I live in this sort of anxiety that it will come again, and my life will be in shambles, again. And I’ll have to pick it up the pieces, again. I know it’s been building steam, biding it’s time before it makes an appearance, and now that it’s finally come- I’m still shocked. There were the signs: not eating and avoidance. But, when I took all those pills, god, when I took them- that’s when I knew. It returned.
I sighed, and got out of my bed. I did my morning ritual: brush teeth, make coffee, consume coffee, eat oatmeal, consume more coffee, and get ready for work.
It was summer time, and I was still working at that fancy bistro downtown. Older gentleman still invited me out for drinks after my shifts, and sometimes I considered it. It got, ah, not lonely- it got rather boring after awhile. I don’t get to hang around Colin much. He’s playing Momdad to, and I just don’t want to get involved. They are a family. My family is as nutty as ever. Billy visits Grandma Cheryl with me on occasion. She keeps asking about Tom. I told her he’s not my boyfriend, and we are not acquainted. That only made her more determined to find out why we aren’t together.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
The more I tell my mind to do something, to try to convince myself, the more my emotions rebel against it. It’s like when someone tells you not to look, and you look anyway. It’s a reflex to do the opposite. That’s what my mind and emotions are doing now. My mind is telling me it’s only logical to focus on the present, to let go of the past, yet, my emotions are all for holding on. Does that make sense? I can’t dwell on it now; work is in ten.
00000
“Hey, sugar. How about the grilled chicken and your number?”
“Coming right up. And suffer, baby.” I said taking my regular’s order.
He laughed with his buddies (who were actually really nice) “Good one, Christina!”
I let out a small smile. Life isn’t that bad, I thought.
000000
“My turn.” I told him.
“Shoot.” He said, grabbing a strawberry from my pancake.
“Hey!” he smiled “Worse memory.”
“You mean all of them that didn’t involve you?”
“So sweet of you. But, you’re changing the topic.”I told him, shaking my head.
“12. Parents died in a car accident. Want more coffee?” Tom said blasé’ like.
It got awkward for a few moments.
“I’m sorry.” I told him, grabbing his hand.
“It’s okay. Everyone has to die sometime. My parents died earlier than expected. It doesn’t matter. I hardly saw them anyway. “At this he shrugged .I didn’t know if it was because he was trying to be the Strong and Silent type or something else.
“Why are you sharing this with me?” I questioned him.
“Because you asked.”
000000
I was slowing withdrawing. I wouldn’t answer Colin’s calls, or accept his invitations to go out. I just didn’t feel like it. It wasn’t like I was depressed and wanted to sleep all day. It’s just I’d rather be by myself. There was so much organizing I could do, and lists. I made so many lists. I made lists on what to do with my life, lists of pros and cons to socialize, lists for everything; important or unimportant. I was so stuck on inane projects such as organization and drawing up plans for a distant future, I was forgetting my friends. I couldn’t explain it. It was like I didn’t want them to bother me. Maybe I was becoming that lonely lady with cats at 20, without the cats.
00000
“My turn. When was the last time you were in love?” I asked.
“Pass.”
“You realize you lose, and at a later date I get to ask you whatever I want and you have to do it?” I frowned slightly. I wanted to know the answer.
“Okay.”
That was the last question I asked, now weeks ago, and I still wanted the answer.
“I gotta go.” I said.
“You are staying with me, now?” Tom said, in that logical way he always does when I was being ridiculous.
“Um, I’ll be in my room!” I rushed to the temporary room, I would be staying in.
Shit Shit Shit.
What did I just do?
There was a knock on the door, hesitant at first, then pounding.
“Christina.”
Don’t respond.
“I-“
“I love you.”
I didn’t answer for a few minutes, and then I locked the door.
He must have heard the click, because he commented on it.
“Unlock the door! I’m telling you I love you, and you lock the door in my face. Way to boost the ego, Chris.”
“Oh, god. Tom. I have to think about this! It’s all so sudden. I-“
“We’ve been dancing around in circles for months.” He sighed. “I’ll be outside waiting.”
I bided my time like a coward, until I smelled the freshly brewed coffee. Columbian. My favorite.
I opened the door slowly. “Tom?”
“I couldn’t get you out of the room, but coffee could? You wound me so.” Tom shook his head in either disgust or astonishment; I wasn’t sure.
“I can’t live here anymore.” I started. “Its not-“
“You it’s me. I’ve been through the break up before, no need to repeat the lines.”
I was growing frustrated. This isn’t what I planned- sure I just planned it right now, but still.
We stared at each other for a few moments.
“Tom. You don’t want me. I’m all messed up inside. Don’t say anything. I am. I don’t need you to be my Prince Charming, riding in your white horse trying to save me. I’m no damsel…I’m not broken, either. This is going to sound so angst-filled, but I need to find me, before I can figure out us. Besides, you’re too good for me. “I looked at him for a second longer and walked away.
I didn’t think it would be that easy. Walking away, I mean. The movies and books make it seem much more excruciating than it appears. ‘Oh, she walked away from true love and now she can never move on’ that’s not me. The real pain was when- I kept walking and didn’t pause.
0000
“Christina, you love that boy.” Colin told me, sipping his coffee.
“I know. It’s just-I don’t know if he can handle me. Colin, I’m crazy. I have a past. How would he handle my condition? I’m not normal, Colin. He deserves someone better.”
“Honey, no one’s normal. Fuck, if he wants a Step ford Wife, he could get one easily. But, he chose you. You, honey.”
The thing about Colin is he makes me feel better when no one else can. He’s upfront. He doesn’t lie to spare my feelings, but at this moment I wish he would; knowing that Tom chose messed up me- makes it more difficult to get him out of my life, to save him from myself.
00000
“Why are you terrified of the thought of love?”Dr. Maynes asked me.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. She gave me the Therapist Stare “I guess I’m scared of losing control, of my love being denied, of it being loss or destroyed- or me ending up heartbroken. My Aunt Yvette always told me “Never marry someone you love.” She said it just adds complications. Complications such as battles of whom…okay, I don’t know what that means exactly. All I know is I rather protect my heart. Being in love is like giving someone else something precious, and they have the opportunity to destroy it, leaving you shattered. And frankly, I’m not willing to take that chance. Yet, I never felt this way before. When I look at Tom, I get butterflies and that annoying drop in the stomach. All that cliché romance bullshit, I used to make fun of girls for doing- I am doing. It’s not fair. I’m being illogical.”
“How is having feeling of love illogical? It’s human nature to long for romantic companionship.” Dr. Maynes stated.
“It’s illogical for me, because it contradicts everything I set myself to believe in. I’m the girl who scorns love. It’s for saps, people who have nothing to lose; what I mean by that is, people who are willing to lose control. It’s illogical because I’m the type of person who has to be in control. That’s why I’m so anal retentive. Everything has its place, everything a certain way or manner-it’s a way of controlling my environment. “
“What about your condition?”
I should have seen that coming.
“I know during my episodes control is the least thing on my mind; it’s like a lost habit; something I know but without in my grasp-or rather something I don’t care to be in my grasp. That’s why when I’m well; I tend to do the exact opposite of my manic stage. It makes me feel weak, and abnormal. Which brings me back to Tom, why would he want that?”
Dr. Maynes took a deep breath.
“There is nothing abnormal about you. You got a condition. So, do individuals with hypertension and diabetes- does that make them abnormal? I’m not supposed to say this, considering this is a professional environment,” at this point fun therapist made her return “But, girl, you’re like a flame that attracts the moth. And from the pictures you shown me of Tom, he’s a very hot moth. “
00000
The therapy sessions made me feel better, but that didn’t stop me from avoiding Tom.
My voice mail was full of his messages:”Christina pickup.”, “Christina, we need to talk.”, “Christina.”
I felt awful at first, but over time I knew it was for the best. I was saving him- does that sound fucked up, or what? What girl would want to save some gorgeous guy from herself? Oh, right. A crazy, anal retentive one. I won the lottery of insane traits. Fictional God really fucked me over this time. I must have run over a cart of nuns in a past life.
0000000000
The thing about being Bipolar is I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I always view an episode as an “it.” The fabled monster under the bed, you could say. I live in this sort of anxiety that it will come again, and my life will be in shambles, again. And I’ll have to pick it up the pieces, again. I know it’s been building steam, biding it’s time before it makes an appearance, and now that it’s finally come- I’m still shocked. There were the signs: not eating and avoidance. But, when I took all those pills, god, when I took them- that’s when I knew. It returned.
I sighed, and got out of my bed. I did my morning ritual: brush teeth, make coffee, consume coffee, eat oatmeal, consume more coffee, and get ready for work.
It was summer time, and I was still working at that fancy bistro downtown. Older gentleman still invited me out for drinks after my shifts, and sometimes I considered it. It got, ah, not lonely- it got rather boring after awhile. I don’t get to hang around Colin much. He’s playing Momdad to, and I just don’t want to get involved. They are a family. My family is as nutty as ever. Billy visits Grandma Cheryl with me on occasion. She keeps asking about Tom. I told her he’s not my boyfriend, and we are not acquainted. That only made her more determined to find out why we aren’t together.
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it.
The more I tell my mind to do something, to try to convince myself, the more my emotions rebel against it. It’s like when someone tells you not to look, and you look anyway. It’s a reflex to do the opposite. That’s what my mind and emotions are doing now. My mind is telling me it’s only logical to focus on the present, to let go of the past, yet, my emotions are all for holding on. Does that make sense? I can’t dwell on it now; work is in ten.
00000
“Hey, sugar. How about the grilled chicken and your number?”
“Coming right up. And suffer, baby.” I said taking my regular’s order.
He laughed with his buddies (who were actually really nice) “Good one, Christina!”
I let out a small smile. Life isn’t that bad, I thought.
000000
“My turn.” I told him.
“Shoot.” He said, grabbing a strawberry from my pancake.
“Hey!” he smiled “Worse memory.”
“You mean all of them that didn’t involve you?”
“So sweet of you. But, you’re changing the topic.”I told him, shaking my head.
“12. Parents died in a car accident. Want more coffee?” Tom said blasé’ like.
It got awkward for a few moments.
“I’m sorry.” I told him, grabbing his hand.
“It’s okay. Everyone has to die sometime. My parents died earlier than expected. It doesn’t matter. I hardly saw them anyway. “At this he shrugged .I didn’t know if it was because he was trying to be the Strong and Silent type or something else.
“Why are you sharing this with me?” I questioned him.
“Because you asked.”
000000
I was slowing withdrawing. I wouldn’t answer Colin’s calls, or accept his invitations to go out. I just didn’t feel like it. It wasn’t like I was depressed and wanted to sleep all day. It’s just I’d rather be by myself. There was so much organizing I could do, and lists. I made so many lists. I made lists on what to do with my life, lists of pros and cons to socialize, lists for everything; important or unimportant. I was so stuck on inane projects such as organization and drawing up plans for a distant future, I was forgetting my friends. I couldn’t explain it. It was like I didn’t want them to bother me. Maybe I was becoming that lonely lady with cats at 20, without the cats.
00000
“My turn. When was the last time you were in love?” I asked.
“Pass.”
“You realize you lose, and at a later date I get to ask you whatever I want and you have to do it?” I frowned slightly. I wanted to know the answer.
“Okay.”
That was the last question I asked, now weeks ago, and I still wanted the answer.
Truth:Chapter 12
Truth:Chapter 12
“Thank God” a tall man came running into the waiting room “Char, is she okay?”
“Yes, Colin. She’s fine. They pumped her stomach and made her take charcoal” Char said tiredly.
“Tom, I’m so glad you’re here! Were you the one that found her?”
“No, Char did.” I knew I sounded bitter. I should have been relieved, he found her so soon. But, she was with me first- I should have known.
The doctor came to greet us. We were all nervous at what he had to say.
“Hello. You guys are Christina Watson’s friends, right?”
“Yes.” I replied easily.
“She’s just fine. However, she’s not safe living by herself. She needs constant supervision. Will someone like to volunteer?”
“I will” I offered, without thinking. She’s my best friend, I’ll do anything for her.
The guys looked at me and nodded.
“Great. I’ll just get the paper work.” The doctor said and walked off.
0000
“Tom. Can I speak to you for a minute?” Colin asked. No, more like cornered me.
“Yeah?” I said, distracted with the mountain of forms I had to fill out.
“I know you have feelings for Christina, and I don’t blame you. If I wasn’t gay, I would too.But, she’s in a fragile position. And I doubt, even in her condition, she wants you playing Prince Charming and trying to save her. As cute and adorable as she is, that girl is strong. She has a past, and if she shares it with you- good. But, if she doesn’t, don’t push it. That’s why she is like the way she is- it is probably the reason she overdosed. You’re in love with her- don’t break her. Don’t smother her. She’s not the same girl she was a year ago. She’s flawed, and the sad part is; she doesn’t realize it. What I’m saying is, take care of her. But, for God sake’s, don’t treat her like a doll. That will just push her away. You follow me?” Colin looked at me.
“I follow you.”
0000
“This is it” Tom gestured to his small, tidy apartment.
“Hmn, it’s workable. Where am I going to sleep?” I asked him.
“Over here.” He then led me to a medium size room. It was bare, except for a drawing of a sunset. It was pretty nice.
“Who made the picture?”
He scratched his head. “I used to paint. Anyway, the room isn’t much. But, there is a dresser and a decent closet.”
“Okay.” I said.
“Are you hungry?”
“No, but I want coffee.” I told him, already walking to the kitchen.
“The doctor said you can’t have too much caffeine.”
I glared”Unless you want me to cut your balls off, I’m getting my goddamn coffee.”
He backed away.
To ease the awkward silence, I decided we should play ‘Truth’
It was, after all, our thing.
“When was your time?” I asked, taking a seat in the kitchen.
“What?” he sputtered.
“Your first time? Sex. Intercourse. Itchi Itchi Bang Bang.” I laughed.
“15. Drunk. Don’t know her name.”
“How romantic.” I muttered. “Your turn.”
“Your first time? What was it like?” Tom asked, smirking.
“17. Colin. We were going out for six months. He bought me a gold heart charm.”
“Colin? As in Colin Zim? Gay?” He laughed.
“How many gay Colin’s do you know?” I glared. I didn’t appreciate him judging me when he fucked some trollop when he was practically a child.
“Point taken. Pancakes?” He said already taking out the mix.
“Sure.”
000000000
“Why did you do it, Christina?” Dr. Maynes asked.”
For the first time, I was completely honest with her.
“I was angry at my sister. I was sad at the situation. I wanted to prove something- I knew it was stupid, even in all my manic rage, but I wanted to do something reckless, to live. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. I just had something to prove. It’s that simple.”
“Don’t you think there are more constructive ways to deal with your pain; instead of trying to kill yourself?”
I laughed bitterly to myself. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. God, why does everyone think that? It was about me being in control- it’s fucked up. But, I thought, in my sick point of view at the time, that I could be in control of the situation, by taking those pills, by showing people what I can handle.I didn’t know that I could have died.” I took a pause. “Colin, Char, Tony and Tom don’t know about it either. I told the doctor in charge not to tell them.”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“I don’t want them to worry.”
“Christina,” Dr. Maynes said slowly.”You overdosed, even if they didn’t know you seriously could have died- the thought has crossed their mind. They care about you. You have to tell them.”
“Oh, that’s right. We’ll all have pizza. “I scowled”Hey, guys. Remember last weekend? When I took all those pills? If Char came 5 minutes later, I would have died. Pass the diet coke, please.”
“You can joke all you want. It doesn’t change what you did- or the repercussions towards your actions. You must take responsibility. One of them, is telling your friends the truth what happened last weekend. You can’t hide anymore.”
I looked at her. I can’t believe she was the fun therapist; but I knew she was right. I had to tell them.
000
I told Char what happened last weekend, and all he wanted to was hug me.
“Christina.” He murmured into my hair. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m getting my degree in a few years, and I’ll seriously sue you for emotional distress.”
Colin and Tony were a bit harder to tell. Colin was in hysterics, with Tony trying to calm him down;Timmy wasn’t paying attention because his show was on.
“Christina Watson! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!”Colin screeched.
“Calm down.” Tony tried to soothe his boyfriend.
“Colin, I’m the one who did it to myself. I’m the one to blame. Colin- Colin.”
It took an hour to calm him down, and for me to finally leave.
Tom was next.
I knocked on his apartment door. Don’t answer, don’t answer. I thought.
He opened the door.
“Christina, come in.” Tom said. “Sorry, the place is such a mess.”
His apartment, of course, wasn’t a mess.
He was a lot like me in the cleanliness department. Everything had its place. Same with his life; Greg and Me were separated parts in his life. We didn’t mix. We- don’t start, I thought. This isn’t the time- and this isn’t what its about.
“Coffee?” he asked.
I smiled.”Do you even have to ask?”
We sat in silence while we drank our coffee. Mine:milk, 2 sugars. His:Black
“I know you almost died. God, Christina, why did you do it?” he pulled his blonde hair in frustration. “Char told me about it. Fucking perfect Char- whom you always seem to blow me off for. “
“Tom, quit. You know its nothing like that. You’re my best friend. Char is just a friend.”
“But, is he? “ Tom got this fierce look in his eye, like he was challenging me.
“Yes. That’s all we are. Friends.”
He didn’t seem satisfied.
“You…frustrate me. Don’t you see what you do to me? I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about you- I can’t”
In that moment, I did what was on the back of my mind for months- I kissed him.
And he kissed me back.
“Thank God” a tall man came running into the waiting room “Char, is she okay?”
“Yes, Colin. She’s fine. They pumped her stomach and made her take charcoal” Char said tiredly.
“Tom, I’m so glad you’re here! Were you the one that found her?”
“No, Char did.” I knew I sounded bitter. I should have been relieved, he found her so soon. But, she was with me first- I should have known.
The doctor came to greet us. We were all nervous at what he had to say.
“Hello. You guys are Christina Watson’s friends, right?”
“Yes.” I replied easily.
“She’s just fine. However, she’s not safe living by herself. She needs constant supervision. Will someone like to volunteer?”
“I will” I offered, without thinking. She’s my best friend, I’ll do anything for her.
The guys looked at me and nodded.
“Great. I’ll just get the paper work.” The doctor said and walked off.
0000
“Tom. Can I speak to you for a minute?” Colin asked. No, more like cornered me.
“Yeah?” I said, distracted with the mountain of forms I had to fill out.
“I know you have feelings for Christina, and I don’t blame you. If I wasn’t gay, I would too.But, she’s in a fragile position. And I doubt, even in her condition, she wants you playing Prince Charming and trying to save her. As cute and adorable as she is, that girl is strong. She has a past, and if she shares it with you- good. But, if she doesn’t, don’t push it. That’s why she is like the way she is- it is probably the reason she overdosed. You’re in love with her- don’t break her. Don’t smother her. She’s not the same girl she was a year ago. She’s flawed, and the sad part is; she doesn’t realize it. What I’m saying is, take care of her. But, for God sake’s, don’t treat her like a doll. That will just push her away. You follow me?” Colin looked at me.
“I follow you.”
0000
“This is it” Tom gestured to his small, tidy apartment.
“Hmn, it’s workable. Where am I going to sleep?” I asked him.
“Over here.” He then led me to a medium size room. It was bare, except for a drawing of a sunset. It was pretty nice.
“Who made the picture?”
He scratched his head. “I used to paint. Anyway, the room isn’t much. But, there is a dresser and a decent closet.”
“Okay.” I said.
“Are you hungry?”
“No, but I want coffee.” I told him, already walking to the kitchen.
“The doctor said you can’t have too much caffeine.”
I glared”Unless you want me to cut your balls off, I’m getting my goddamn coffee.”
He backed away.
To ease the awkward silence, I decided we should play ‘Truth’
It was, after all, our thing.
“When was your time?” I asked, taking a seat in the kitchen.
“What?” he sputtered.
“Your first time? Sex. Intercourse. Itchi Itchi Bang Bang.” I laughed.
“15. Drunk. Don’t know her name.”
“How romantic.” I muttered. “Your turn.”
“Your first time? What was it like?” Tom asked, smirking.
“17. Colin. We were going out for six months. He bought me a gold heart charm.”
“Colin? As in Colin Zim? Gay?” He laughed.
“How many gay Colin’s do you know?” I glared. I didn’t appreciate him judging me when he fucked some trollop when he was practically a child.
“Point taken. Pancakes?” He said already taking out the mix.
“Sure.”
000000000
“Why did you do it, Christina?” Dr. Maynes asked.”
For the first time, I was completely honest with her.
“I was angry at my sister. I was sad at the situation. I wanted to prove something- I knew it was stupid, even in all my manic rage, but I wanted to do something reckless, to live. I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. I just had something to prove. It’s that simple.”
“Don’t you think there are more constructive ways to deal with your pain; instead of trying to kill yourself?”
I laughed bitterly to myself. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself. God, why does everyone think that? It was about me being in control- it’s fucked up. But, I thought, in my sick point of view at the time, that I could be in control of the situation, by taking those pills, by showing people what I can handle.I didn’t know that I could have died.” I took a pause. “Colin, Char, Tony and Tom don’t know about it either. I told the doctor in charge not to tell them.”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“I don’t want them to worry.”
“Christina,” Dr. Maynes said slowly.”You overdosed, even if they didn’t know you seriously could have died- the thought has crossed their mind. They care about you. You have to tell them.”
“Oh, that’s right. We’ll all have pizza. “I scowled”Hey, guys. Remember last weekend? When I took all those pills? If Char came 5 minutes later, I would have died. Pass the diet coke, please.”
“You can joke all you want. It doesn’t change what you did- or the repercussions towards your actions. You must take responsibility. One of them, is telling your friends the truth what happened last weekend. You can’t hide anymore.”
I looked at her. I can’t believe she was the fun therapist; but I knew she was right. I had to tell them.
000
I told Char what happened last weekend, and all he wanted to was hug me.
“Christina.” He murmured into my hair. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m getting my degree in a few years, and I’ll seriously sue you for emotional distress.”
Colin and Tony were a bit harder to tell. Colin was in hysterics, with Tony trying to calm him down;Timmy wasn’t paying attention because his show was on.
“Christina Watson! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!”Colin screeched.
“Calm down.” Tony tried to soothe his boyfriend.
“Colin, I’m the one who did it to myself. I’m the one to blame. Colin- Colin.”
It took an hour to calm him down, and for me to finally leave.
Tom was next.
I knocked on his apartment door. Don’t answer, don’t answer. I thought.
He opened the door.
“Christina, come in.” Tom said. “Sorry, the place is such a mess.”
His apartment, of course, wasn’t a mess.
He was a lot like me in the cleanliness department. Everything had its place. Same with his life; Greg and Me were separated parts in his life. We didn’t mix. We- don’t start, I thought. This isn’t the time- and this isn’t what its about.
“Coffee?” he asked.
I smiled.”Do you even have to ask?”
We sat in silence while we drank our coffee. Mine:milk, 2 sugars. His:Black
“I know you almost died. God, Christina, why did you do it?” he pulled his blonde hair in frustration. “Char told me about it. Fucking perfect Char- whom you always seem to blow me off for. “
“Tom, quit. You know its nothing like that. You’re my best friend. Char is just a friend.”
“But, is he? “ Tom got this fierce look in his eye, like he was challenging me.
“Yes. That’s all we are. Friends.”
He didn’t seem satisfied.
“You…frustrate me. Don’t you see what you do to me? I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about you- I can’t”
In that moment, I did what was on the back of my mind for months- I kissed him.
And he kissed me back.
Truth:Chapter 11
“Tell me, again. Why we are going to visit your Uncle Jim? He hates me!” Tom said.
“He doesn’t hate you.” I said calmly, buckling my seatbelt.
“He threw a dinner roll at me.”
“It’s his way of welcoming you to the family.”
Tom looked at me in that way that he always does.
“Right.”
“It s should take about 6 hours to get there.” I calculated.
“We live in New York,they in Maine. Its more like 9 hours.”
“Smart ass.”
“Just for you, darling. “ there was a pause.”You need to stop making me watch those black and white movies.”
“Why? You are just like James Dean! All Suave and Debonair
”Uh huh. You hungry?” he asked.
“No. I just ate.” Of course, I didn’t. But, right now I couldn’t stomach food- it just seemed a waste for my body.
He shrugged.”Okay.”
0000
“Stop here!”I exclaimed. I needed a coffee fix.
“Ah, two hours without coffee. How did I know?”
We stopped at this place called “Coffee Jungle.”
“Hello,” a stunning blonde greeted us, immediately eyeing Tom”Welcome, have a seat anywhere.”
On whim I grabbed Tom’s hand, it was rough, yet smooth at the same time. He gave me a confused look.
“Let’s go, pet.”
When we were seated, the first thing he said was ”Pet? That sounds pedophilic.”
“Shut up. “
“Make me.”
I grabbed a spoon mixer and flicked it to his head.
“Damn, Chris. I didn’t mean literally. Good aim. For a girl.”
“What? There is such a thing as WNBA, you know? There is-“
“Oh, here goes your man-hating, non-shaving, burn-bra, feminist rant.” He sighed
“What does pointing out blatant chauvinist turn into feminism? I mean it is- but there is such a negative condensation to it. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent woman. I am, or I try to be.”
“Of course.” I knew that Tom was trying to change the subject, but I kept going because I liked him flustered. It was a little cute actually.
“Not to mention, when a woman wants something in life, and goes about it just as ruthlessly as a man, she is considered a bitch.But, if a man does it- he’s The Man. It’s such a double standard.
“Your coffees are done.” Said the elderly woman, apparently the blonde twit got mad and left. Okay, she was on break. “My, ya’ll are a cute couple. How long have you been going out.”
“Oh, we” I started
“A year.” Tom finished for me.
The older women left us with our coffee.
“Tom Dugrey.” I started. “Why did you say we are going out.”
He shrugged, taking a bite out of his bagel.
“There must be a reason.”
“God, Christina, it’s just a joke.”
“Oh, so going out with me is a joke? My, that wounds me. My heart is breaking.” I hid a smile.
“ Another topic for your therapist, Neurotic.”
“You love it.”
“I love you.” He coughed.
“What did you say?”
“I mean, you’re my best friend. Of course, I love you! Don’t you love me?”
“In a matey-mate way, of course.”
“See. Misunderstanding cleared.”
00000
“Ooh, my song.”
“Please, don’t sing! My ears can take only so much.”
I glared.
“Sorry, I forgot you have feelings.”
“Tom, honestly, you are such a prat.”
“It comes with the good looks, doll.”
“Haha, 30s lingo!”
“Damn you! I’m never letting you make me watch black and white movies again.”
“You will. You can’t resist my smile. It’s perfect- the angels above blessed it. The stars wink, butterflies flock to me-“
“It’s chipped- hillbillesque.”
I gasped. I grabbed my coffee mug and threw it at him.”It’s adorable! You giant asshole! “
“I’m sorry, it is adorable. “
“You’re just saying that because I have a deadly weapon.”
“I hardly think a coffee mug is a deadly weapon.”
I moved to throw it at him again.
He raised his arm up in defeat.
That’s right. I wear the pants.
00000
“Christina! Wake up! We are at the Day’s Inn.” Tom shook me awake.
“Ugh.” I said groggily.”Are you sure?”
“Well, there is a building with a sign saying ‘Day’s Inn’ on it. So, I’m pretty sure this is it.”
“Smart ass.”
“Comes with the territory.”
“Pray to the imaginary Lord that territory is in a secluded area.” I mumbled.
“I heard that.” Tom said, grabbing our bags from the trunk.
“You always do.Prat.”
“Heard that too.”
0000
“You should shower , first.” I told him.
“Do I stink?”
“No, but I’ll take all the hot water.”
“Point taken.”
15 minutes later, Tom came in with only his boxers. They were green silk. How cliché.
When I saw him, I burst into giggles.
“What are you laughing at? I have a nice body!” he defended.
“Let’s see if you pass the test.” I walked over to him
“Hmmn, “ I touched his stomach”One, two, three, four abs. Passable. Turn around. Hmmn, back. Passable. “
I turned away, but he grabbed me close to him.
“So, did I pass?”
“Just barely.”
“Let me inspect you then.” He smirked.
“Why! I am a good girl! A lady. Dare I say it, are you trying to take advantage of me?”
We laughed.
0000
“Christina!” my Uncle Jim deep voice boomed”and you brought your friend Tom.”
“Yes, Uncle. I told you on the phone, remember?”
“Yes,that’s right. Come in. Your Aunt Helda wants to show you her new cat”Uncle Jim said”crazy furball -have been trying to run over the damn thing for days.”
Tom rose an eyebrow to me.
“Shut up.”I told him.
“Christina! You brought your boyfriend, Tom. How wonderful! Meet the new baby, Crooks. Isn’t she adorable?” My Aunt Helda then shoved the orange tabby cat into Tom’s arms.
“Oh, he’s not my-“
“When’s dinner?” a portly man interrupted.
“Billy!” I exclaimed and ran over to hug my favorite cousin.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Not doing so well. The baby didn’t make it. Doctors said there is something wrong with my ovaries.” Billy smiled.
“Billy,you been using your man-pregnancy excuse for years. Besides, men don’t have ovaries.”
“It worked for that other guy.” Billy defended.
“Who used to be a woman.” Tom said from across the room.
“Who are you?” Billy asked “I like him. He can keep up.”
“This, “ I said, pulling Tom over”is my best friend, Tom Dugrey. Tom, this is my favorite cousin Billy Watson.”
“Nice to meet you,man.” Tom shook his hand.
“Same here. MOM. When are we going to eat!” Billy yelled.
“I don’t know. When are you getting a girlfriend and give me grandchildren?” Aunt Helda called out from the kitchen.
A half hour later, the food was done and we were all seated at the dining room table.
“Tom, what are you studying at the university?” my Uncle Jim asked.
“I’m a junior, studying premed.” Tom replied.
“ Very ambitious.” Uncle Jim concluded
There was a silence for a moment, until Billy burped.
“Billy, you disgusting child, how many times do I have to tell you not at the dinner table!” Aunt Helda scolded harshly but with laughter in her eyes.
“Sorry, Mom. I’ll face the wall tonight, and promise to eat all my vegetables.” Billy said solemnly.
“That hardly counts.” I said.”Since we are eating spaghetti”
Billy tried to kick me under the table, but missed.
“And now you are not allowed dessert, because you kicked your poor mother in the shins” Aunt Helda told Billy, who looked scandalized at the loss of dessert.
I stuck my tongue out .
I still wear the pants.
0000000
“Who are you texting?” I asked Christina.
“Char. He’s asking when I’m coming home tonight, so we can grab dinner.”
Oh. Asshole.
“Why?” She looked up, curious.
“No, reason.”
“Oh, I know why!”
“Why.”
“You sa-woon when you see him!” she started. I braced myself for a lunatic rant she tries to pass off as a ‘reasonable argument’ “You get that look in your eye, like a boy in the playground, a dog ready to hump a lamp post-“
“A lamp post?”
“A gay crush is the word I’m looking for!” She said ignoring me.
“Right. I have a gay crush on that pansy Char? That will happen when a woman becomes president.” Ha.I touched a sore spot.
She waited a few minutes, before she responded.
“Hilary Clinton was a strong contender! Look at all her accomplishments. She endorsed bills to 'extend period of unemployment assistance to victims of 9/11', 'pay for city projects in response to 9/11', 'assist landmine victims in other countries', 'assist family caregivers in accessing affordable respite care' and 'Designate part of the National Forest System in Puerto Rico as protected in the Wilderness Preservation System'.”
“You wiki’d that. I see it on your phone!” I told her.
“So? What do you think I am, a genius?”
I scoffed “Certainly not.”
Christina made a move to throw the coffee mug at me.
“But, you are pretty.” I reassured her.
She smiled, and dropped the mug.
That’s right. I wear the pants.
0000
When I got home, I was contemplating the wedding invitation I received from Serena in the mail a few days ago. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Mostly, because I didn’t think it was true.
Sighing, I went to the kitchen to make coffee. It was then I saw another letter from Serena.
“Christina, it appears that you were sent an invitation to my wedding by accident. Be assured, you are not invited. Seeing you again after four years, reminded me how much I enjoyed the lack of your presence. Don’t bother replying. You’re not a sister of mine, never were really. This is the last form of communication, I will ever send”
Serena”
I dropped the letter. Suddenly, I remember Serena making fun of me in front of her friend; Serena lying about me to our parents; Serena sending me…to that place, Serena-
In an eerily calm way, I looked at the pills on top of the fridge.
Lamictal, Invega, Prozac, Tomapax. They are just chemicals mixed together in a little tablet.
These pills, miracle drugs, are supposed to make me feel better, make me sane.
And I wanted to prove something- it’s stupid, and made sense at the time, but I wanted to prove that I can get better by myself, by taking these pills- without anyone telling me to, by me doing it myself.
As if in rage, or sadness, I don’t know- I grabbed the pills from the medicine cabinet on top of the fridge, and swallowed. 10. 15. 20.
My heart didn’t slow down or anything. It just felt like my vision was hazy. My legs wouldn’t move. I laid down. Everything was numb…what.
Someone knocked on the door, but I couldn’t get up to answer it. I hear someone open it and-
“Shit.” A manly voice said. And then I promptly passed out.
“He doesn’t hate you.” I said calmly, buckling my seatbelt.
“He threw a dinner roll at me.”
“It’s his way of welcoming you to the family.”
Tom looked at me in that way that he always does.
“Right.”
“It s should take about 6 hours to get there.” I calculated.
“We live in New York,they in Maine. Its more like 9 hours.”
“Smart ass.”
“Just for you, darling. “ there was a pause.”You need to stop making me watch those black and white movies.”
“Why? You are just like James Dean! All Suave and Debonair
”Uh huh. You hungry?” he asked.
“No. I just ate.” Of course, I didn’t. But, right now I couldn’t stomach food- it just seemed a waste for my body.
He shrugged.”Okay.”
0000
“Stop here!”I exclaimed. I needed a coffee fix.
“Ah, two hours without coffee. How did I know?”
We stopped at this place called “Coffee Jungle.”
“Hello,” a stunning blonde greeted us, immediately eyeing Tom”Welcome, have a seat anywhere.”
On whim I grabbed Tom’s hand, it was rough, yet smooth at the same time. He gave me a confused look.
“Let’s go, pet.”
When we were seated, the first thing he said was ”Pet? That sounds pedophilic.”
“Shut up. “
“Make me.”
I grabbed a spoon mixer and flicked it to his head.
“Damn, Chris. I didn’t mean literally. Good aim. For a girl.”
“What? There is such a thing as WNBA, you know? There is-“
“Oh, here goes your man-hating, non-shaving, burn-bra, feminist rant.” He sighed
“What does pointing out blatant chauvinist turn into feminism? I mean it is- but there is such a negative condensation to it. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent woman. I am, or I try to be.”
“Of course.” I knew that Tom was trying to change the subject, but I kept going because I liked him flustered. It was a little cute actually.
“Not to mention, when a woman wants something in life, and goes about it just as ruthlessly as a man, she is considered a bitch.But, if a man does it- he’s The Man. It’s such a double standard.
“Your coffees are done.” Said the elderly woman, apparently the blonde twit got mad and left. Okay, she was on break. “My, ya’ll are a cute couple. How long have you been going out.”
“Oh, we” I started
“A year.” Tom finished for me.
The older women left us with our coffee.
“Tom Dugrey.” I started. “Why did you say we are going out.”
He shrugged, taking a bite out of his bagel.
“There must be a reason.”
“God, Christina, it’s just a joke.”
“Oh, so going out with me is a joke? My, that wounds me. My heart is breaking.” I hid a smile.
“ Another topic for your therapist, Neurotic.”
“You love it.”
“I love you.” He coughed.
“What did you say?”
“I mean, you’re my best friend. Of course, I love you! Don’t you love me?”
“In a matey-mate way, of course.”
“See. Misunderstanding cleared.”
00000
“Ooh, my song.”
“Please, don’t sing! My ears can take only so much.”
I glared.
“Sorry, I forgot you have feelings.”
“Tom, honestly, you are such a prat.”
“It comes with the good looks, doll.”
“Haha, 30s lingo!”
“Damn you! I’m never letting you make me watch black and white movies again.”
“You will. You can’t resist my smile. It’s perfect- the angels above blessed it. The stars wink, butterflies flock to me-“
“It’s chipped- hillbillesque.”
I gasped. I grabbed my coffee mug and threw it at him.”It’s adorable! You giant asshole! “
“I’m sorry, it is adorable. “
“You’re just saying that because I have a deadly weapon.”
“I hardly think a coffee mug is a deadly weapon.”
I moved to throw it at him again.
He raised his arm up in defeat.
That’s right. I wear the pants.
00000
“Christina! Wake up! We are at the Day’s Inn.” Tom shook me awake.
“Ugh.” I said groggily.”Are you sure?”
“Well, there is a building with a sign saying ‘Day’s Inn’ on it. So, I’m pretty sure this is it.”
“Smart ass.”
“Comes with the territory.”
“Pray to the imaginary Lord that territory is in a secluded area.” I mumbled.
“I heard that.” Tom said, grabbing our bags from the trunk.
“You always do.Prat.”
“Heard that too.”
0000
“You should shower , first.” I told him.
“Do I stink?”
“No, but I’ll take all the hot water.”
“Point taken.”
15 minutes later, Tom came in with only his boxers. They were green silk. How cliché.
When I saw him, I burst into giggles.
“What are you laughing at? I have a nice body!” he defended.
“Let’s see if you pass the test.” I walked over to him
“Hmmn, “ I touched his stomach”One, two, three, four abs. Passable. Turn around. Hmmn, back. Passable. “
I turned away, but he grabbed me close to him.
“So, did I pass?”
“Just barely.”
“Let me inspect you then.” He smirked.
“Why! I am a good girl! A lady. Dare I say it, are you trying to take advantage of me?”
We laughed.
0000
“Christina!” my Uncle Jim deep voice boomed”and you brought your friend Tom.”
“Yes, Uncle. I told you on the phone, remember?”
“Yes,that’s right. Come in. Your Aunt Helda wants to show you her new cat”Uncle Jim said”crazy furball -have been trying to run over the damn thing for days.”
Tom rose an eyebrow to me.
“Shut up.”I told him.
“Christina! You brought your boyfriend, Tom. How wonderful! Meet the new baby, Crooks. Isn’t she adorable?” My Aunt Helda then shoved the orange tabby cat into Tom’s arms.
“Oh, he’s not my-“
“When’s dinner?” a portly man interrupted.
“Billy!” I exclaimed and ran over to hug my favorite cousin.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Not doing so well. The baby didn’t make it. Doctors said there is something wrong with my ovaries.” Billy smiled.
“Billy,you been using your man-pregnancy excuse for years. Besides, men don’t have ovaries.”
“It worked for that other guy.” Billy defended.
“Who used to be a woman.” Tom said from across the room.
“Who are you?” Billy asked “I like him. He can keep up.”
“This, “ I said, pulling Tom over”is my best friend, Tom Dugrey. Tom, this is my favorite cousin Billy Watson.”
“Nice to meet you,man.” Tom shook his hand.
“Same here. MOM. When are we going to eat!” Billy yelled.
“I don’t know. When are you getting a girlfriend and give me grandchildren?” Aunt Helda called out from the kitchen.
A half hour later, the food was done and we were all seated at the dining room table.
“Tom, what are you studying at the university?” my Uncle Jim asked.
“I’m a junior, studying premed.” Tom replied.
“ Very ambitious.” Uncle Jim concluded
There was a silence for a moment, until Billy burped.
“Billy, you disgusting child, how many times do I have to tell you not at the dinner table!” Aunt Helda scolded harshly but with laughter in her eyes.
“Sorry, Mom. I’ll face the wall tonight, and promise to eat all my vegetables.” Billy said solemnly.
“That hardly counts.” I said.”Since we are eating spaghetti”
Billy tried to kick me under the table, but missed.
“And now you are not allowed dessert, because you kicked your poor mother in the shins” Aunt Helda told Billy, who looked scandalized at the loss of dessert.
I stuck my tongue out .
I still wear the pants.
0000000
“Who are you texting?” I asked Christina.
“Char. He’s asking when I’m coming home tonight, so we can grab dinner.”
Oh. Asshole.
“Why?” She looked up, curious.
“No, reason.”
“Oh, I know why!”
“Why.”
“You sa-woon when you see him!” she started. I braced myself for a lunatic rant she tries to pass off as a ‘reasonable argument’ “You get that look in your eye, like a boy in the playground, a dog ready to hump a lamp post-“
“A lamp post?”
“A gay crush is the word I’m looking for!” She said ignoring me.
“Right. I have a gay crush on that pansy Char? That will happen when a woman becomes president.” Ha.I touched a sore spot.
She waited a few minutes, before she responded.
“Hilary Clinton was a strong contender! Look at all her accomplishments. She endorsed bills to 'extend period of unemployment assistance to victims of 9/11', 'pay for city projects in response to 9/11', 'assist landmine victims in other countries', 'assist family caregivers in accessing affordable respite care' and 'Designate part of the National Forest System in Puerto Rico as protected in the Wilderness Preservation System'.”
“You wiki’d that. I see it on your phone!” I told her.
“So? What do you think I am, a genius?”
I scoffed “Certainly not.”
Christina made a move to throw the coffee mug at me.
“But, you are pretty.” I reassured her.
She smiled, and dropped the mug.
That’s right. I wear the pants.
0000
When I got home, I was contemplating the wedding invitation I received from Serena in the mail a few days ago. I didn’t tell anyone about it. Mostly, because I didn’t think it was true.
Sighing, I went to the kitchen to make coffee. It was then I saw another letter from Serena.
“Christina, it appears that you were sent an invitation to my wedding by accident. Be assured, you are not invited. Seeing you again after four years, reminded me how much I enjoyed the lack of your presence. Don’t bother replying. You’re not a sister of mine, never were really. This is the last form of communication, I will ever send”
Serena”
I dropped the letter. Suddenly, I remember Serena making fun of me in front of her friend; Serena lying about me to our parents; Serena sending me…to that place, Serena-
In an eerily calm way, I looked at the pills on top of the fridge.
Lamictal, Invega, Prozac, Tomapax. They are just chemicals mixed together in a little tablet.
These pills, miracle drugs, are supposed to make me feel better, make me sane.
And I wanted to prove something- it’s stupid, and made sense at the time, but I wanted to prove that I can get better by myself, by taking these pills- without anyone telling me to, by me doing it myself.
As if in rage, or sadness, I don’t know- I grabbed the pills from the medicine cabinet on top of the fridge, and swallowed. 10. 15. 20.
My heart didn’t slow down or anything. It just felt like my vision was hazy. My legs wouldn’t move. I laid down. Everything was numb…what.
Someone knocked on the door, but I couldn’t get up to answer it. I hear someone open it and-
“Shit.” A manly voice said. And then I promptly passed out.
Truth:Chapter 10
Truth:Chapter 10
Colin was noticing me withdrawing. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I was living in my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. It was much more preferable than real life. Don’t get me wrong, things were going well in my life. Colin and Tony were a steady couple and they made sure I kept sane, Timmy brought a few laughs; I was back in school- doing quite well in school actually. Yet, the smile didn’t reach my eyes. When I laughed, it felt hoarse, rehearsed- as if I was just doing it on cue, not because I was enjoying the moment.
I was still seeing Char. He was a sweet guy. He was into photography and nature, so he took photos of me all the time. “You’re beautiful in the sunset, do you mind?” We would take hiking excursions on Sunday Mornings; he’ll tell me everything about myself; assuming I did the same. Of course, I didn’t. We didn’t play “Truth” That was exclusive between me and Tom. I haven’t seen him in weeks now.
I learned when two people are that angry, that hurt, it makes a difference who apologizes first.
I get flashbacks of our time together.
“It’s my turn.” Tom said, after t taking a long sip of his coffee
“Shoot.”
“What was your first kiss like?”
“Sweet. It was on the playground in fourth grade. This boy, Billy, cliché as it sounds, always used to pull my pigtails. One day this other boy did the same thing, and he just pushed him and kissed me, in front of everyone.”
Tom leaned in, “So, it went-
I never got to hear the rest because my cell phone rang; I wonder what would have happened.
0000000
“You don’t talk about Tom, anymore? Any reason?” Dr.Maynes asked.
“We had a falling out.” I shrugged. I didn’t like to think about him, much. He’s still my best friend, and knowing I was the cause of us not talking, upset me. But, I didn’t tell her that.
“How do you feel about that?”
“Fine, just fine.” I replied.
Speak, I thought, speak.
Colin moved out a few weeks later.
“Hun, I want to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Me and Tony are just a few blocks away, you have the spare key in case of emergencies, okay?” Colin checked, pacing around nervously. I overheard him talking to Tony, he didn’t want to leave me alone because of my “fragile condition.” Please, I’m not a damsel.
“You are in order with everything: cleaning, cooking, organizing…I never thought someone could be too organized.” He muttered “Anal retentive”
“Colin, I’ll be fine.” I assured him.
He gave me a disbelieving look.
“Okay, if you feel lonely, I posted a few names on the fridge-you might be able to stand enough, to be roommates. “ He was going to say more, but gathered me in his arms.
“I’m going to miss you, hun.” He whispered into my hair.
“Me too, Colin.”
I wasn’t much into tearful goodbyes, but even I was crying. My best friend was leaving without me. He was practically Momdad to Timmy. I couldn’t help, but feel a little resentful. He was mine, first.
000000
It was pouring outside. I mean Noah’s arc standards. I was grabbing bread for the low-fat pasta I was making, at the farmers marker. It was a typical day. That is until I saw him. It has been four months since we got into that confrontation.
We were crossing the same streets. He didn’t see me, until my tote with my bread spilled in front of him.
“Christina?” he raised his voice from the pouring rain.
I stared dumbly at him. This was the man whose number my hands were always trying to call; the man I thought of when there was nothing else on my mind; my best friend.
“Christina?” he repeated. “We should get out of here. My car is at the corner. Let’s grab dinner.”
When we reached the car, Tom put the heater all the way on. “Don’t worry, the place we’re going to is a 45 minute drive. We’ll have plenty of time to dry off. We’re meeting my friend’s fiancé, Serena.”
My hands paused on the seatbelt. Serena? I thought. Surely, not my sister whom I haven’t seen in 3 years- the one who…no, I stopped myself. Don’t think about that.
It was a surprisingly comfortable silence.
“How have you been?” I asked.
“Oh, school has been keeping up my time. Been hanging around with Greg mostly. You?”
“School is pretty tiring for me as well. Oh, Colin moved in with Tony and Timmy. “
“Seeing anyone?” he asked
“Char. You know, the delivery guy from that night? He’s studying law.”
Tom swerved the car a little; which is unusual because normally he is a very cautious driver.
“You?” Please say no, Please say no.
“A few actually. Just looking at my options.”
“Oh.” It was all I could say.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was escape that car.
00000
“We’re here.” Tom announced, unbuckling his seatbelt.
It was a nice place; the restaurant over-looked like a cottage by the seaside.
Tom went to the other side to let me out.
“Always the gentleman.” I smiled and took his hand.
It was nothing like Char, his was rough, a wrestler hand.
My thoughts were interrupted when I saw the girl in Tom’s friend’s hand.
Flashback
Mother was in her closet, laying down. I went to shake her.
“Mother.” No response. “Mother!”
At this point, I was scared and called my older sister, Serena.
“SERENA! MOTHER ISN’T MOVING!”
Serena walked in silently, smoking a cigarette. “It’s your fault, you know.”
“My fault?” I asked.
“Why she killed herself. She sad she couldn’t handle the stress- and having a crazy daughter can do that to do. I called the police. They should be taking you away. “
“Serena! Please, don’t” I started crying.”Please.”
0000
“Christina, my, it has been a long time.” At this my sister smiled, and flicked back her straight, blonde hair; so unlike my brown, unruly curls.
“Almost four years, actually.” I said demurely.
The thing about girls like Serena, is they play mind games. Upfront bickering is considered a lost.
We were seated near the window.
Tom and his friend, Jacob made small talk about what med school they wanted to get into; leaving me to fend off Serena by myself.
“Christina, you’re in college, correct?” my sister asked
“I am. I’m studying journalism and advertising.”
“Oh.” She said.
“Christina is really talented.” Tom came to my aide.
I smiled at him and mouthed “Thank you.”
“It’s remarkable what you are doing considering you were in a mental asylum a few years prior.” My sister said calmly.
My hands started to shake- no one but my therapists knew that, not even Colin.
“Honey, this isn’t the time.” Jacob started.
“I’m merely saying she’s grown into such a lovely lady from the royal pain in the ass she was when mother died. It was her fault you know.” At this point, the other patrons in the restaurants stared.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“Well, Serena, seeing as you’re the picture of sanity. I’d like to thank you for sending me away, to save myself from being a frigid bitch like yourself. Another thing, it was never my fault mother killed herself, and to blame me was childish and cruel. Have fun burning in hell.” I breathed an angry breath. “Are you ready, Tom?”
Tom wiped his mouth on his napkin, took my hand and we left the table.
00000
It was silent in the car for a few minutes.
“Your sister is a bitch.” Tom said simply
“That, she is. She’s always been like that. Ever since we were little.” I started.
There’s always that sink in your stomach, when you let someone in, even just a little bit.
“Really? Why?”
“She always wanted to be the best, the favorite, and when I was born, she wasn’t. She took her rage out on me in everything; when she didn’t do well on a test, when a boy scorned her- on anything really. It was the same thing when I became…bipolar. My parents and grandparents were supportive, ‘Oh, you’re not crazy, sweetie.’ But, Serena, god, she used it as leverage- like it was my fault, like it was somehow proof that she was better than me. Then, when my mother killed herself, she said it was my fault- because she ‘couldn’t handle a crazy daughter.’ It hurt, but countless therapy sessions later; I realized I’m stronger than her. She can’t handle the pain, so she pinpoints it to other people- innocent people. I handle it- I take the shit, and bare you know? In myth, like Jesus bares the fucking cross, you know? Does that make sense?” I sighed, suddenly tired.
He nodded. “Perfect sense.”
0000
I dialed Tom’s number
“Channel 64 They are doing infomercials about…” I said
“This ingenious coffee maker. I’m watching it right now.”
“I need to get that shit.” I mumbled
“You’re drinking coffee, aren’t you?”
“It’s 4 am, and I have work at 8. How am I supposed to function?”
“Uh, sleep.” Tom said like it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Sleep is for the weak. Consuming coffee should be an Olympic Sport. Oh, the dreamy guy is on.”
“He’s like 50 years old..”
“Still dreamy.”
“Go to sleep, Christina.”
“But I don’t wanna. There are monsters in the closet! Oh, and my cat won’t get up from my lap.”
“You have a cat?”
“I have to give in to the lonely old lady stereotype?”
“You’re 21.”
“Ah, youth escapes me !This coffee machine is the Porsche of all coffee machines. “ I stated, in awe.
“I have my credit card right here.”
“Would you really?” I asked.
“If it gets you to shut up, yes.”
He put me on hold for a few moments.
“Got it. You should be expecting it in 3-5 business days.”Tom told me when he got on the phone
“Did I ever tell you you’re my hero- you’re the wing beneath.”
“Oh,god.”
“Tom!” I exclaimed, almost drunk from lack of sleep. “I have a voice of an angel.
“From hell.”
“I’m insulted.”
“And so are all the choirs in the city. Christina? Great. You fell asleep on me again.”
000000
“Char.” I started.
We were talking a walk in the park.
“We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. I haven’t met your friends. Tom despises you. My cat uses you as a scratching post- but you are cute, and make me smile when I’m having a bad day.”
“You’re right. We aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. But, you bring the childhood boy in me with your odd quirks- and leave me smiling in a middle of our kiss. What does that make us? Friends with benefits?”
I shook my head.”No, that would mean I’m some sort of harlot! I think we are friends that like to make each other laugh and occasionally kiss. Aha. Perfect way to describe us!”
Char then tried to hold my hand.
“I didn’t put hand-holding in the description.” He gave me those brown eyes puppy dog look”and if I wanted to look at puppy dog eyes, I would adopt a pet.”
“Ah, my sweet, you are too cruel.” He put his arm around my shoulder in a friendly manner and we walked towards the sun.
00000
“Colin?”
“Yeah, hun?”
“What do you think of this dress? It’s yellow, and that usually washes out my skin.”
“I would go with the red. It looks good with your skin tone, and hair.”
“Thanks for your Gay Man Opinion. Hmn, I wonder where Tom is taking me to dinner at.” I murmured.
“Probably to profess his undying love for you. “Tony put in from painting his nails(“beige-all natural, but elegant)
“Now, stop. He’s not in love with me.”
Colin and Tony exchanged a look.
00000
“ How’s the chicken?” Tom asked.
“Remarkable. The steak?”
“Fantastic.”
“Are you still seeing those girls? The “Other options.” I laughed at this, it seemed so unlike Tom.
“No, I know who I want now.” He looked at me in that way he always does.
I cut my meat into twos, then into threes, then into fours. I know, anal retentive.
“Who?”
“She’s about 5’4, brown, curly hair, neurotic, anal retentive- definitely, adorable, cute, yet frustrating, she gets on my nerves virtually every other day, she’s-“
“This isn’t about that girl in Annie Hall, right? Because she’s not real.”
Tom sighed. “You really don’t have a clue, do you?”
The waiter came “Check?”
00000
“You seem sad today, Christina. Is anything troubling you?” Dr. Maynes asked
How about Tom not talking to me? Or that I’m hearing things in the shower- are the voices? Flash backs.
“I’m just not feeling well,is all.”
“I see. How are your medicines. Are you eating?”
“Yes.” No
“I see.”
“What do you want to accomplish in this therapy session?”
She asks this every month- as a way to sum up my “progress” or some other psycho-bullshit.
“I want to get better.”
It’s a generic excuse, but she buys it.
And that’s all I want- to get better.
But how?
Colin was noticing me withdrawing. I don’t know how to explain it. It was like I was living in my dreams. All I wanted to do was sleep, sleep, sleep. It was much more preferable than real life. Don’t get me wrong, things were going well in my life. Colin and Tony were a steady couple and they made sure I kept sane, Timmy brought a few laughs; I was back in school- doing quite well in school actually. Yet, the smile didn’t reach my eyes. When I laughed, it felt hoarse, rehearsed- as if I was just doing it on cue, not because I was enjoying the moment.
I was still seeing Char. He was a sweet guy. He was into photography and nature, so he took photos of me all the time. “You’re beautiful in the sunset, do you mind?” We would take hiking excursions on Sunday Mornings; he’ll tell me everything about myself; assuming I did the same. Of course, I didn’t. We didn’t play “Truth” That was exclusive between me and Tom. I haven’t seen him in weeks now.
I learned when two people are that angry, that hurt, it makes a difference who apologizes first.
I get flashbacks of our time together.
“It’s my turn.” Tom said, after t taking a long sip of his coffee
“Shoot.”
“What was your first kiss like?”
“Sweet. It was on the playground in fourth grade. This boy, Billy, cliché as it sounds, always used to pull my pigtails. One day this other boy did the same thing, and he just pushed him and kissed me, in front of everyone.”
Tom leaned in, “So, it went-
I never got to hear the rest because my cell phone rang; I wonder what would have happened.
0000000
“You don’t talk about Tom, anymore? Any reason?” Dr.Maynes asked.
“We had a falling out.” I shrugged. I didn’t like to think about him, much. He’s still my best friend, and knowing I was the cause of us not talking, upset me. But, I didn’t tell her that.
“How do you feel about that?”
“Fine, just fine.” I replied.
Speak, I thought, speak.
Colin moved out a few weeks later.
“Hun, I want to make sure you are taking care of yourself. Me and Tony are just a few blocks away, you have the spare key in case of emergencies, okay?” Colin checked, pacing around nervously. I overheard him talking to Tony, he didn’t want to leave me alone because of my “fragile condition.” Please, I’m not a damsel.
“You are in order with everything: cleaning, cooking, organizing…I never thought someone could be too organized.” He muttered “Anal retentive”
“Colin, I’ll be fine.” I assured him.
He gave me a disbelieving look.
“Okay, if you feel lonely, I posted a few names on the fridge-you might be able to stand enough, to be roommates. “ He was going to say more, but gathered me in his arms.
“I’m going to miss you, hun.” He whispered into my hair.
“Me too, Colin.”
I wasn’t much into tearful goodbyes, but even I was crying. My best friend was leaving without me. He was practically Momdad to Timmy. I couldn’t help, but feel a little resentful. He was mine, first.
000000
It was pouring outside. I mean Noah’s arc standards. I was grabbing bread for the low-fat pasta I was making, at the farmers marker. It was a typical day. That is until I saw him. It has been four months since we got into that confrontation.
We were crossing the same streets. He didn’t see me, until my tote with my bread spilled in front of him.
“Christina?” he raised his voice from the pouring rain.
I stared dumbly at him. This was the man whose number my hands were always trying to call; the man I thought of when there was nothing else on my mind; my best friend.
“Christina?” he repeated. “We should get out of here. My car is at the corner. Let’s grab dinner.”
When we reached the car, Tom put the heater all the way on. “Don’t worry, the place we’re going to is a 45 minute drive. We’ll have plenty of time to dry off. We’re meeting my friend’s fiancé, Serena.”
My hands paused on the seatbelt. Serena? I thought. Surely, not my sister whom I haven’t seen in 3 years- the one who…no, I stopped myself. Don’t think about that.
It was a surprisingly comfortable silence.
“How have you been?” I asked.
“Oh, school has been keeping up my time. Been hanging around with Greg mostly. You?”
“School is pretty tiring for me as well. Oh, Colin moved in with Tony and Timmy. “
“Seeing anyone?” he asked
“Char. You know, the delivery guy from that night? He’s studying law.”
Tom swerved the car a little; which is unusual because normally he is a very cautious driver.
“You?” Please say no, Please say no.
“A few actually. Just looking at my options.”
“Oh.” It was all I could say.
At that moment, all I wanted to do was escape that car.
00000
“We’re here.” Tom announced, unbuckling his seatbelt.
It was a nice place; the restaurant over-looked like a cottage by the seaside.
Tom went to the other side to let me out.
“Always the gentleman.” I smiled and took his hand.
It was nothing like Char, his was rough, a wrestler hand.
My thoughts were interrupted when I saw the girl in Tom’s friend’s hand.
Flashback
Mother was in her closet, laying down. I went to shake her.
“Mother.” No response. “Mother!”
At this point, I was scared and called my older sister, Serena.
“SERENA! MOTHER ISN’T MOVING!”
Serena walked in silently, smoking a cigarette. “It’s your fault, you know.”
“My fault?” I asked.
“Why she killed herself. She sad she couldn’t handle the stress- and having a crazy daughter can do that to do. I called the police. They should be taking you away. “
“Serena! Please, don’t” I started crying.”Please.”
0000
“Christina, my, it has been a long time.” At this my sister smiled, and flicked back her straight, blonde hair; so unlike my brown, unruly curls.
“Almost four years, actually.” I said demurely.
The thing about girls like Serena, is they play mind games. Upfront bickering is considered a lost.
We were seated near the window.
Tom and his friend, Jacob made small talk about what med school they wanted to get into; leaving me to fend off Serena by myself.
“Christina, you’re in college, correct?” my sister asked
“I am. I’m studying journalism and advertising.”
“Oh.” She said.
“Christina is really talented.” Tom came to my aide.
I smiled at him and mouthed “Thank you.”
“It’s remarkable what you are doing considering you were in a mental asylum a few years prior.” My sister said calmly.
My hands started to shake- no one but my therapists knew that, not even Colin.
“Honey, this isn’t the time.” Jacob started.
“I’m merely saying she’s grown into such a lovely lady from the royal pain in the ass she was when mother died. It was her fault you know.” At this point, the other patrons in the restaurants stared.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
“Well, Serena, seeing as you’re the picture of sanity. I’d like to thank you for sending me away, to save myself from being a frigid bitch like yourself. Another thing, it was never my fault mother killed herself, and to blame me was childish and cruel. Have fun burning in hell.” I breathed an angry breath. “Are you ready, Tom?”
Tom wiped his mouth on his napkin, took my hand and we left the table.
00000
It was silent in the car for a few minutes.
“Your sister is a bitch.” Tom said simply
“That, she is. She’s always been like that. Ever since we were little.” I started.
There’s always that sink in your stomach, when you let someone in, even just a little bit.
“Really? Why?”
“She always wanted to be the best, the favorite, and when I was born, she wasn’t. She took her rage out on me in everything; when she didn’t do well on a test, when a boy scorned her- on anything really. It was the same thing when I became…bipolar. My parents and grandparents were supportive, ‘Oh, you’re not crazy, sweetie.’ But, Serena, god, she used it as leverage- like it was my fault, like it was somehow proof that she was better than me. Then, when my mother killed herself, she said it was my fault- because she ‘couldn’t handle a crazy daughter.’ It hurt, but countless therapy sessions later; I realized I’m stronger than her. She can’t handle the pain, so she pinpoints it to other people- innocent people. I handle it- I take the shit, and bare you know? In myth, like Jesus bares the fucking cross, you know? Does that make sense?” I sighed, suddenly tired.
He nodded. “Perfect sense.”
0000
I dialed Tom’s number
“Channel 64 They are doing infomercials about…” I said
“This ingenious coffee maker. I’m watching it right now.”
“I need to get that shit.” I mumbled
“You’re drinking coffee, aren’t you?”
“It’s 4 am, and I have work at 8. How am I supposed to function?”
“Uh, sleep.” Tom said like it was the simplest thing in the world.
“Sleep is for the weak. Consuming coffee should be an Olympic Sport. Oh, the dreamy guy is on.”
“He’s like 50 years old..”
“Still dreamy.”
“Go to sleep, Christina.”
“But I don’t wanna. There are monsters in the closet! Oh, and my cat won’t get up from my lap.”
“You have a cat?”
“I have to give in to the lonely old lady stereotype?”
“You’re 21.”
“Ah, youth escapes me !This coffee machine is the Porsche of all coffee machines. “ I stated, in awe.
“I have my credit card right here.”
“Would you really?” I asked.
“If it gets you to shut up, yes.”
He put me on hold for a few moments.
“Got it. You should be expecting it in 3-5 business days.”Tom told me when he got on the phone
“Did I ever tell you you’re my hero- you’re the wing beneath.”
“Oh,god.”
“Tom!” I exclaimed, almost drunk from lack of sleep. “I have a voice of an angel.
“From hell.”
“I’m insulted.”
“And so are all the choirs in the city. Christina? Great. You fell asleep on me again.”
000000
“Char.” I started.
We were talking a walk in the park.
“We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend. I haven’t met your friends. Tom despises you. My cat uses you as a scratching post- but you are cute, and make me smile when I’m having a bad day.”
“You’re right. We aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. But, you bring the childhood boy in me with your odd quirks- and leave me smiling in a middle of our kiss. What does that make us? Friends with benefits?”
I shook my head.”No, that would mean I’m some sort of harlot! I think we are friends that like to make each other laugh and occasionally kiss. Aha. Perfect way to describe us!”
Char then tried to hold my hand.
“I didn’t put hand-holding in the description.” He gave me those brown eyes puppy dog look”and if I wanted to look at puppy dog eyes, I would adopt a pet.”
“Ah, my sweet, you are too cruel.” He put his arm around my shoulder in a friendly manner and we walked towards the sun.
00000
“Colin?”
“Yeah, hun?”
“What do you think of this dress? It’s yellow, and that usually washes out my skin.”
“I would go with the red. It looks good with your skin tone, and hair.”
“Thanks for your Gay Man Opinion. Hmn, I wonder where Tom is taking me to dinner at.” I murmured.
“Probably to profess his undying love for you. “Tony put in from painting his nails(“beige-all natural, but elegant)
“Now, stop. He’s not in love with me.”
Colin and Tony exchanged a look.
00000
“ How’s the chicken?” Tom asked.
“Remarkable. The steak?”
“Fantastic.”
“Are you still seeing those girls? The “Other options.” I laughed at this, it seemed so unlike Tom.
“No, I know who I want now.” He looked at me in that way he always does.
I cut my meat into twos, then into threes, then into fours. I know, anal retentive.
“Who?”
“She’s about 5’4, brown, curly hair, neurotic, anal retentive- definitely, adorable, cute, yet frustrating, she gets on my nerves virtually every other day, she’s-“
“This isn’t about that girl in Annie Hall, right? Because she’s not real.”
Tom sighed. “You really don’t have a clue, do you?”
The waiter came “Check?”
00000
“You seem sad today, Christina. Is anything troubling you?” Dr. Maynes asked
How about Tom not talking to me? Or that I’m hearing things in the shower- are the voices? Flash backs.
“I’m just not feeling well,is all.”
“I see. How are your medicines. Are you eating?”
“Yes.” No
“I see.”
“What do you want to accomplish in this therapy session?”
She asks this every month- as a way to sum up my “progress” or some other psycho-bullshit.
“I want to get better.”
It’s a generic excuse, but she buys it.
And that’s all I want- to get better.
But how?
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