Weeks in writing!
“Char, Char, Char! I can’t wear yellow to the groombride shower. It washes out my skin” I told him exaggeratedly.
“Groombride?” He questioned, shaking his head. His brown hair was getting too long, and starting to wave on the bottom. It was kind of adorable, actually.
“Yes, Tony isn’t really a man, is he? It’s like a bridal shower- for a man? He doesn’t want strippers, just renting out a hotel room and getting facials.” I told him.
“You make him sound like he’s the gayest man in the world. He’s, as you say, “looks manly man.”
“Yes, I know. Anyway, let’s not talk about it. Hold my purse, please?” I looked up at him with big eyes.
He sighed. “Why, again?”
“For ultimate embarrassment.” I paused. “And because you love me.”
He took my purse.
0000
“How are Tony and Colin’s wedding plans going” Dr. Maynes asked me, popping nicotine gum in her mouth.
“It’s okay. One month left! Colin is freaking out about the menu. And table cloths. And venue.” I paused. “He’s freaking out about basically everything. “
“Ah. Who are you intending to take?”
“Most likely Char. We are kind of seeing each other. I mean, we are always with each other…and stuff.”
“Stuff?”
“Stuff” I looked at her meaningfully.
She’s a woman, but she isn’t my friend and I’m not that comfortable to talk about things like that with her. Now that I think about it, I don’t have much “lady friends”
“Ah, I see” She gave me her therapist stare. It was very annoying
“Yes.”
We talked about my senior year, and my lack of panic attacks; how that was a sign of my mental health progressing.
Then it was time to leave.
Dr. Maynes looked at her watch. “I’ll see you next week.”
“Sure thing”
I walked out of the office, and then got into my car.
I found myself dialing Tom’s number, wanting to tell him how my session went. It’s almost automatic to pick up the phone and call him when something happens, or just to talk; but I can’t do that anymore. Maybe it’s time to make up. But, will he let me?
0000
“Truth.”Tom told me. We were walking in Central Park, one of our favorite activates after getting coffee.
“Shoot. “ I told him.
“Do you have a 5 Year Plan?” he asked me.
“I don’t go that far into the future. I have 2 year plans. “
“Why not 5?”
“5 are so long term and it has this sense of concrete to it. Life plans should be flexible, yet, concise. “I took a sip of my blended mocha truffle coffee.
“Ah.” Tom looked thoughtful. “Explain.”
“I mean, plans are basically a semi-elaborate list-what to do first, and then next. If you are making normal, everyday plans like ‘Where do you want to go? What time should we meet?’ It has to be definite, or it’ll fall through. Life Plans, on the other hand, can’t be so because time comes up faster than we expect it- We’ll fall short on our 5 Year Plan. Besides, 5 years is too great of a time to even want to predict what may come.” I stared at me. “You follow?”
He rolled his eyes. “Would I be here, if I didn’t?” He grabbed my arm. “There are puddles everywhere. “
“Oh, Tom. You just want to hold me!”
We laughed and continued walking.
00000
Three weeks left until the wedding
“Talk to him.” Dr. Maynes told me.
We were talking about Tom for five sessions now. I can’t help that I have nothing else to talk about…
“But, if I talk to him- after what, 3 months, it’ll seem like I miss him and I’m desperate for his companionship.”
She stared.
I sighed deeply. “If he wanted to contact me, he would have by now. “
“What about those unknown numbers? Tony told you his theory about that being Tom.” Dr. Maynes told me quite calmly.
“Tony also has a theory gay men are nicer than lesbians. “
She laughed, then sobered up. “We’ve been talking about “saving yourself” in these sessions, but what we didn’t breach is, sometimes you have to let other people aide you in the process. We live in an interpersonal world. People need people for, as you say, “don’t go mental and start knitting.”
From all of what you told me and my belief that Tony’s theories are correct, you two friendship is worth fighting for. You don’t meet real friends like that very often. “She looked at her watch. “It’s time to leave. But, first, I want to give you an assignment.”
000000
Doctor Maynes is making me write a list; a list about my feelings- my “iffiness” with Char, Tom and Myself. It’s stupid, but here it is.
Love. A word. An Emotion. A failing.
It hurts.
You don’t sleep.
You get so nervous at the thought of him, you act like some crazy, OCD twit.
Jealousy makes me break out.
My hands shake so much when I imagine them together, I spill my coffee. My coffee…COFFEE.
I don’t like how he just let me go, and didn’t fight for me.
I hate how I want him to be jealous.
I hate how I’m leading on a great guy, but can’t help it because I’m so sprung on Him. Asshole.
I hate how he makes me figure things out for myself; like now- that I love him, after almost 2 months of being angry, but longing.
I hate how I enjoy our debates, when half the time he is winning. He never lets me win.
I hate how I compared every other guy, even the Classic Hollywood Men, and they fall short.
I hate him.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate the loss of control. I, a girl with everything in its particular place, 2 year plans; to do lists- can’t control the situation, my emotions. God, don’t make me say heart!
I hate that after all this time, He’s known all along.
I hate how I have to apologize.
But, I learned, hating something means less than doing what you must for the one you love.
And I love him.
Huh.
I said it.
I love him.
